tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77802392024-02-06T22:01:41.891-05:00Welcome to Mooneyville SouthA home for writings and ramblings on whatever subject happens to strike my fancy. And of course the occasional Irish joke......Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.comBlogger225125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-4799361269126293322017-03-17T09:30:00.001-04:002017-03-17T09:30:28.407-04:00Happy St. Patrick's Day!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I hope there have been one or two among this year's collection that have made you smile. And if they have, share them with those you meet today over a pint or a wee taste of your favorite Irish punch.</div>
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“Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I’ve got no wife or children.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Then think of your parents.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I don’t have any parents.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Then think of St. Patrick!!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Who’s St. Patrick?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Jump, ya bastard!”<o:p></o:p></div>
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O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggles to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."<o:p></o:p></div>
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10pt;">Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."</span></div>
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A double-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"<o:p></o:p></div>
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The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."<o:p></o:p></div>
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The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"<o:p></o:p></div>
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The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."<o:p></o:p></div>
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An Irish lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Jameson with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."<o:p></o:p></div>
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The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Well, thank you kindly, sir" says she. As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."<o:p></o:p></div>
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The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."<o:p></o:p></div>
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The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have another Jameson with two drops of water."<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Coming right up," the bartender says.<o:p></o:p></div>
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As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Jameson with only two drops of water?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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The old woman replies, "Ah, lad, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold the hard stuff. Holding your water, however, is another matter entirely."<o:p></o:p></div>
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The ritual of the wake in Ireland has not changed in a thousand years…. They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."<o:p></o:p></div>
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Muldoon said, "A good idea! "<o:p></o:p></div>
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Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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And they all went, "Hip hip hooray! "<o:p></o:p></div>
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O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.</div>
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When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span>his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,<o:p></o:p></div>
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'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10pt;">O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10pt;">Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday</span><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left</span><span class="apple-converted-space" style="font-size: 10pt;"> </span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">eye.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 10pt;">Slainte!</span></div>
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Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-61760202362785552632017-03-16T09:09:00.001-04:002017-03-16T09:09:51.151-04:00St. Paddy's Eve<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Paddy had a few too many
at a party and while driving home, he was pulled over by the Garda. Noting
Paddys erratic driving, the Garda immediately breathalyzed him. As they were
preparing to book him, there was a terrible accident in the opposite side of
the road. The Garda were immediately distracted by the other incident and
decided to take care of more important matters. Paddy, figuring that the Garda
weren't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the
morning by a knock at the front door, and was greeted by two Garda.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Are you Mr. Padraigk
Murphy?" they asked? Paddy nodded his head.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Were you pulled
over at Church Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again,
the Paddy nervously nodded his head.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"And what did you
do then?" they asked. Paddy replied that he drove his car home and went to
bed. "Where is your car now?" the Guards enquired. Paddy told them
that it was in the garage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"May we see the
car?" asked the Garda. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the
garage. Inside the garage was the Garda squad car.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Murphy walks into a bar
and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes
$9.00.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"But I paid, don't
you remember?" says Murphy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Okay," says
the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Murphy then goes outside
and tells Seamus that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers
have paid. Seamus rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The barkeep replies,
"If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Soon Seamus goes into
the street, sees Paddy, and tells him how to get free drinks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Paddy hurries into the
bar and begins to drink shot after shot of fine Irish Whiskey. Suddenly, the
bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here
tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they
did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Don't bother me
with your troubles," Paddy responds. "Just give me my change and I'll
be on my way."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">An American walks into
McCafferty's Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice
to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools.
I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back
to back."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on
his offer. Paddy Murphy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later,
he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Is your bet still
good, Yank?" asks Paddy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"It is," roars
the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the
bar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Immediately, Paddy downs
all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons
cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in
amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"If you don't mind
my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">To which Paddy replies,
"Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Three old ladies
met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so loud that
they had difficulty in hearing each other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">“It’s windy,” said one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">“No, it’s Thursday,”
said the next.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">“So am I,” said the
third. “Let’s go and have a drink.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">An Irish fella left the
pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the
cemetery..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">As he walked through it,
he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no
hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till
morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to
sleep.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">A little later in the
night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the
grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Ya kanna get out,
I've tried", he said..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">He got out...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-13155218745091971122017-03-15T08:45:00.001-04:002017-03-15T08:45:32.506-04:00Day 15<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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In a court in Killarney, deep in Munster, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:<o:p></o:p></div>
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Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Shea, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?'<o:p></o:p></div>
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O'Shea the farmer: 'That's right, sir.'<o:p></o:p></div>
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Lawyer: Well then, Mr O'Shea, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'<o:p></o:p></div>
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O'Shea the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him. <span style="font-size: 10pt;">Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say: 'I've never felt better in my life.'</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
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An 80-year-old Irishmen goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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“I'm Irish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of Whiskey and all is well."<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Who said my Dad's dead?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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"He's 100 years old," says the old Irish golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little whiskey and that's why he's still alive. He's Irish and he's a golfer, too."<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Who said my grandpa's dead?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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"He's 118 years old," says the old Irish golfer.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."<o:p></o:p></div>
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At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Who said he wanted to?"</div>
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ </div>
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A judge in Dublin asked: "Were you present at the beginning of the trouble between your friend and his wife?"<br />Witness: "Sure, wasn't I best man at their wedding?"</div>
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Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. <br />Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."<br />Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."</div>
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The good Donegal Sister had her class studying their catechism. When she asked one little boy if he had progressed in his studies as far as original sin, he replied proudly:<br />"Oh, yes, Sister. I'm beyond redemption."</div>
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Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-56871730934367190432017-03-14T09:05:00.003-04:002017-03-14T09:05:12.365-04:00Day 14<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Mike wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless. He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table which says "Breakfast is on the stove, dear. I left early to go shopping. Love you!"</div>
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He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast waiting for him, and also the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. Really curious by now, Mike asks, "Son, what happened last night?"</div>
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His son says, "Well, Mom said you came home after 3 AM, you stumbled in the door, threw up in the hallway, and passed out half-way up the stairs.</div>
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Confused, Mike asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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His son replies, "Oh, that! Mam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "Leave me alone woman, I'm a married man."</div>
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An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery. The Englishman steals 3 buns, puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn’t even see me.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery. I’ll show you how to do it honestly and get the same results.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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The Irishman proceeded to call out the baker and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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The baker was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked for 2 more and ate them both.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The baker says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”</div>
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
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And today's classics.....</div>
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="OLE_LINK1">O'Toole is a doctor but he's a bit henpecked by his wife. One evening the phone rang. It was from a professional colleague asking him to join some others for a game of poker. When he put the phone down, his wife said,<o:p></o:p></a></div>
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"Is it an emergency?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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He said, "Yes, there's four doctors there already."</div>
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It was the end of a long friendship as Seamus and Paddy said good-bye.<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Seamus, when I'm in Australia, will you come to the pub and have two drinks each night, one for me and one for you, in memory of old times?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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"I will too, Paddy. And you'll do the same for me?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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"I will do that, Seamus."<o:p></o:p></div>
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And so night after night Seamus went through the ritual. One large Irish whiskey for himself and then another for Paddy in Australia. Came the day however, when he ordered only one drink. The barman was curious.<o:p></o:p></div>
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"If ye'll forgive me intrusion, Seamus, why have you given up one of the drinks? I hope nothin' has happened to Paddy."<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Oh no, it is simple good friend, simple. I'm on the wagon now."</div>
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Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-92101608233069055652017-03-13T08:48:00.001-04:002017-03-13T08:48:48.703-04:00Day 13<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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“Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Yes, I do" she replies.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"<o:p></o:p></div>
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"I remember that too" she replies softly.<o:p></o:p></div>
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He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."</div>
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Maggie, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into other people's business. Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.</div>
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She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Paddy, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all afternoon. She em<span class="textexposedshow">phatically told Paddy (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow">Paddy, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.</span></div>
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<span class="textexposedshow">Later that evening, Paddy quietly parked his pickup in front of Maggie's house, walked home ....and left it there all night!!</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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And a few classics.....</div>
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Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.<br />The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.<br />After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let the Catholics across?"</div>
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<span style="font-size: 10pt;">"I shall hold this case in camera," said the Irish judge.</span></div>
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"What does that mean?" asked the witness.<br />"Well," said the judge, "I know what it means, and the jury knows what it means you just tell us what happened on the night of June 1st."<br />"I went to a dance," related the witness, "and Mary asked me to see her home. It was a fine evening and after we'd crossed a field we sat on a stile in the moonlight and I put my arm around her. After that, there was a little mushy, sweety-pie palaver."<br />"And what, pray, does that mean?" asked the judge.<br />The reply came quickly: "I know what it means, the jury knows what it means, and if you'd been there with your camera, judge, you'd know what it means."</div>
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<span style="font-size: 10pt;">Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."<o:p></o:p></div>
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The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."</div>
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
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Slainte!</div>
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Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-65275198143982801162017-03-11T05:59:00.002-05:002017-03-11T05:59:26.454-05:00Day 11<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b>Ireland explained</b></div>
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<b></b><br />I received this educational document from one of my Irish sites, and thought it might be a handy memo for those waiting to celebrate St. Patrick's day.</div>
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<br />Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.</div>
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The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but still pay in Euros.</div>
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<br />Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland, but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France.</div>
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<br />Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland. It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.</div>
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<br />There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br />Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
Protestants are in favor of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br />Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br />We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br />Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br />Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br />All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
There’s a new concept pub opened-up in Ireland - it’s got mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night.<br />Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub - he didn’t know about the mirrors. He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”<br />Flanagan didn’t know about the mirrors either and he said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”<br />Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”<br />Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," she said.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
"How many," he asked, "are you going to marry?"</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
And here is an Irish dad "helping" his son learn how to vacuum.....</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 10pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">
<span style="font-family: verdana, geneva;"><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G39MxbFm2Sk" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G39MxbFm2Sk</a></span></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">
<span style="font-family: verdana, geneva;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-27310274274108387682017-03-09T09:49:00.002-05:002017-03-09T09:49:29.503-05:00Day 9<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Kathleen was standing
vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran
silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his
slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"My darling
Kathleen, " he whispered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Hush, my
love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk." But he
was insistent. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Kathleen," he
said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess
to you."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"There's nothing to
confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's
all right, go to sleep now."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"No, no. I must die
in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your
mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Hush now Patrick,
don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you
think I poisoned you?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Tim met the parish
priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks
ago?" <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"It was
grand," said the priest. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Tim said,
"Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the
Cadillac?" <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">And the priest said,
"It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Tim said, "That he
was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?" <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The priest said,
"Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">He said, "Yes, that
he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?" <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The priest said,
"Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?" Then the priest
said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">He said, "I didn't
take any. Wasn't I lucky!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">When old Hennessy
collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as
to how the old fellow should be revived.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Maggie O'Reilly yelled,
"Give the poor man some whiskey!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">No one paid any
attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions.
Finally, Hennessy opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said
weakly, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Will the lot o' ye
hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Father Murphy met Casey
in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Father Murphy said,
“Thank you, but I’m not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the
other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then, I
say a young fellow coming along with a nice, large umbrella, and I thought that
if he was going as far as my house, I’d ask him to share it with me. I
stepped out from the doorway and said, ‘Where are you going with that
umbrella?’ And he dropped the darned thing and ran off.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-59836800083777984862017-03-08T08:37:00.002-05:002017-03-08T08:37:42.791-05:00Day 8<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The rich American
couldn't understand why the Irish angler was lying lazily beside his boat on
the beach, smoking a pipe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Why aren't you out
fishing?" asked the American.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Because I have
caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Why don't you
catch some more?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"What would I do
with them?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"You could sell
them and make more money," was the American's reply. "With that you
could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more
fish. Then you would make enough to buy nets. These would bring you more fish
and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats . . . maybe
even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"What would I do
then?" asked the fisherman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Then you could
really enjoy life." said the American.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"And what do you
suppose I might be doing right now?" said the Irishman, smiling and
puffing away on his pipe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Three drunks get into a
cab in Galway. The cab driver knew they were drunk so he starts the engine and
then turns it off. He tells them, “We’re here.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The first guy gives him
the fare and the second guy says, “Thank you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The third guy gives the
driver a slap. The driver was shocked thinking the third drunk new
what he had done. But he asked, “What’s that for?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The third guy replies,
“Watch yer speed next time, you could have gotten us killed!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">A surgeon and an
architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to
arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.<br />
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a
surgical operation."<br />
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was
created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."<br />
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created
the chaos first."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The taxi passenger
tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley
screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath,
and stopped centimeters from a shop window.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">For a second everything
went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so
kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The passenger apologized
and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so
much." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">O’Malley replied,
"Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving
a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-52351130858301063952017-03-07T11:11:00.001-05:002017-03-07T11:11:29.146-05:00Day 7<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13.3333px;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Recently a routine Garda
patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the
Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The man stumbled around the
car park for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing. After what seemed
an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his
car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the
wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then
off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">He moved the vehicle
forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more
minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park
and started to drive slowly down the road.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The Garda, having patiently
waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing
lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To
his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed
alcohol at all!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Dumbfounded, the Garda said
"I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this
Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"I doubt it,"
said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Casey and Flanagan went
mountain climbing in the Alps and got cut off<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">by an avalanche. They
were sheltering on a ledge when they saw a St. Bernard coming, with a little
keg of brandy hanging around his neck.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Flanagan said, "Look!
Here comes man's best friend."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Casey said, "And look
at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: initial; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Father Murphy walks into a
pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">
"Do you want to go to heaven?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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The man said, "I do, Father."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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"Certainly Father," said the man.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Then the priest walked up to Delaney and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Delaney said, "No, I don't Father."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Delaney said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">McCuen stumbled out of a
saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!"
declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to
straighten out your life??"<br />
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"<br />
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and
carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"<br />
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-40406933761865928962017-03-06T09:25:00.002-05:002017-03-06T09:25:31.223-05:00Day 6<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Those of you have been on this list for a while, might recognize
some of these.....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were
questioning Finnegan.<br />
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.<br />
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the
Irishman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local
village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went
into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs
and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone
had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was
no doubt. Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find
out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of
the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say
to me?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first
coat is dry."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she
said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be
here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it
wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be
here."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">A Roman Catholic priest stood at the church door greeting the
parishioners after Mass.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Good mornin', Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. I married you ten years
ago but I never see any of your children in church."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and
I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a
candle for you in the great basilica at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother
will look kindly on you and your husband."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Several years later, back at the church door, greeting
parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever
have any children?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Deed I did , Father," she said pointing to a family
behind her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles
since we last saw you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't
see Mr. O'Riley. Is he here?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-16095648135270884982017-03-05T12:02:00.001-05:002017-03-05T12:02:40.007-05:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Murphy rear-ended a car....He knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!!<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />He looked up at him and said, "I'm NOT f***ing happy!"<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br />So Murphy said, "Which f***ing one ARE you then?"<span class="apple-converted-space"> </span><br /><br />That's how the fight started...</div>
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
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Paddy had a wee bit too much and was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. The policeman walks up and says, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."<o:p></o:p></div>
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Paddy asks, "Ossifer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"<o:p></o:p></div>
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"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."<o:p></o:p></div>
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Breathing a sigh of relief, Paddy says, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."</div>
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
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The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."<br /><br />The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."<br /><br />Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."<br /><br />"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"<br /><br />Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."<o:p></o:p></div>
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
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<br /></div>
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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.<br />'What was that for?' the man asked.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..<br />The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..<o:p></o:p></div>
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Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.<br />Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'<o:p></o:p></div>
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Joe Mooney</div>
</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-33335063019041792482017-03-04T11:28:00.002-05:002017-03-04T11:28:50.797-05:00Day 4<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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“What is it, child?”<o:p></o:p></div>
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The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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Something different and perhaps a bit wordy, but it is from Ireland.....</div>
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This was done by an Irish comedian, Finchie Cova, some time back and it is his Open Letter to Isis. While it does have a bit of inside humor, even if you have not been to Ireland, you will catch the drift.</div>
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<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
<b>AN</b> <b>OPEN LETTER TO ISIS<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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What’s the craic lads! I don’t think we have officially met. Finchie here from Ireland, we are that non aggravating, laid back post English island to the west of the bullshit. So how’s yourself? Been busy I hope. I see from the shallow media outlets and “copy paste” fear posting on social media that ye have been up to your neck in it the past few months. Good for you!<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sorry to be bothering ye boys while ye are busy planning the world’s biggest burning man festival in the name of Alan, (or what ever he’s called) but something has come to our attention to past few days that we need to have a quick “chat” about it. What’s this I hear about ye adding us to a list of countries called “The Global Coalition” in some mad 80’s themed propaganda video? Ah lads come on will ya, shtep down from 3 legged horse now for a second and rewind the cassette cuz I think ye got it wrong.<o:p></o:p></div>
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First of all, lads were only here for the craic! We have been through too much shite hawking over the past couple of thousand years to be goin all “rouge and shit” and joining in fights we clearly don’t want to be part of. It’s like when a fist fight breaks out in primary school between Vince and Lano Kelly. Most of us just watch, shout a bit and kick a bin to make noise or whatever, but we don’t bother getting involved (well Vince is English so any sly opportunity for a shneaky kick to the shins and were all over it) we couldn’t be arsed with the whole thing, we’re simply too laid back. Now keeping that in mind let me let you in on a few tips if you do decide to come over here and piss in our cornflakes.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Don’t judge us on the actions of the lads across the pond. We don’t like that craic. I get that ye have yer fight an all, but dont drag us into it, we don’t give a left bollock for Alan and what he tells ye to do.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Sharon’s law, (or whatever it is) won’t work here. I know a Sharon, and she’s a bitch. We don’t like her either.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Don’t bomb our shit. We just finished building it back after breaking free from the very enemy you also have on your hit list. (if you want tho you can destroy Leitrim, absolute shitehole lads I’m not joking)<o:p></o:p></div>
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We have more than one army. 1 official army (actually went training in north cork recently to prepare for your arrival. And yes north cork is exactly like Damascus, especially Fermoy on a Friday night).<o:p></o:p></div>
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We also have a few non official, highly secretive, multi-talented armies all with the same name (you get used to it after a while) who hate each other but have one very important thing in common…all mad bastards. Let that sink in<o:p></o:p></div>
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By the way the unofficial armies are all trained in guerrilla warfare. Meaning you’re fucked. Like actually fucked. Unless you want to buy weapons, then some of them will turn a blind eye to ” the cause” and sell ya a few AKs while you visit.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Don’t even think about blowing up Leo Burdocks!!! Consider this your harshest warning!<br />If any single pub is damaged during your short stay here, we will consider this an act of war!!! And we praise to our God Arthur, we will strike down on you with great vengeance and furious anger on those who attempt to destroy our drinking patterns during a time of crises!<o:p></o:p></div>
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On a final note, remember these and you should be fine:<br />1. Offices close at ten<br />2. Don’t leave the immersion on<br />3. PM me for Bono’s address<br />4. Don’t bomb shit when the toy show is on<br />5. Start with Leitrim<br />6. If you’re looking for virgins you won’t find any on Harcourt Street<br />7. Get a Tesco clubcard. Trust me.<br />8. If you want to blow up a stadium, go to Dalymount please.<br />9. Go to a water protest, they don’t judge you for where you’re from, just if you pay or not.<br />10. Finally, if asked for change, eyes down and keep Fucking walking!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
So ISIS its good to meet you. Do yourself a favour and us, stay where you are. You don’t want to come here, were not bothered with the issues you have.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
But if you do, we will beat the shit out of all of you using mammies wooden spoon, Kilkenny hurlers and the bouncers from the copper faced Jack’s.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
Yours unintentionally<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
</div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
Finchie and the rest of Ireland<o:p></o:p></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-3312620762852957502017-03-03T09:14:00.002-05:002017-03-03T09:14:51.835-05:00Day 3<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy,
miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street
and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the
darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">And he was lying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman
came along. He knelt down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything
for you, sir?" And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind
calling me a rabbi?" And the policeman said, "You must be delirious,
man. You must mean a priest, don't you?" He said, "No, no, call me a
rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The farmer’s wife had taken ill and he called the town doctor who
showed up rather inebriated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">“Where is the patient?” the doctor roared. “It's Theresa, the
wife,” says the farmer, “she's not near well!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The doctor looked at her and cried: “I'm too late . . . she's
dead.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">At which point, the women opened one eye and whispered: “I'm not
dead.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Her husband hastily put his finger to her lips and said: “Hush,
Theresa, don't contradict the doctor."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">This one has been requested.....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Seamus and Sean are out hunting, and as they are walking along
they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at
the size of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Seamus says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the
bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Sean says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin'
down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Seamus says, "Hey, there's a big log. Give me a hand, we'll
throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over and count one,
two, three and heave it in the hole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when
they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come
crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation,
jump in headfirst.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement,
peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old
farmer saunters up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't
happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Seamus says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a
hunnert kilos an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him
chained to a log."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">And these are some old classics.......<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">Mary was taking a nap on Valentine’s Day afternoon. After she
woke, she told her husband Paddy, “I just dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous
expensive diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day! What do you think it means?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">“You’ll know tonight,” he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">That evening, Paddy came home with a small package for her.
Thrilled, Mary opened it and found a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few
"squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their
disgraceful quarrels.<br />
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."<br />
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you
took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any
more...."<br />
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better
now."</span></div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-1252943229681932902017-03-02T09:00:00.002-05:002017-03-02T09:00:39.544-05:00Day 2<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
''Why? Don't ye believe me?''</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.<br />"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.<br />"Next?"<br />"Two glasses of whiskey."<br />"Next?"<br />"One glass of brandy."<br />"Next?"<br />"A fight."</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.<br />It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."<br />Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
The Irish lads (Shane, Sean and Conor), were working on a building site in London. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
As the ambulance takes the body away, Sean says, ‘Someone should go and tell his wife.’ Conor says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Guinness. Sean says, ‘Where did you get that, Conor?’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
‘Shane’s wife gave it to me’ says Conor.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
Sean continues, ‘That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
‘Well not exactly,’ Conor said. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Shane’s widow”.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
</div>
<div class="MsoBodyText" style="font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px; padding: 0px;">
And then I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Guinness you are.”</div>
</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-17948332811363012662017-03-01T09:05:00.003-05:002017-03-01T09:05:45.817-05:00Happy St. Patty's Month!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">And so it begins again. Some new, some old, hopefully some of them make you smile or even laugh out loud!</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">Paddy, a pick pocket, was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Murphy you are hereby fined $100." His lawyer was his brother Sean who stood up and said "Thanks, yer honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd…..."</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">Finnegan is sitting at the bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">Finnegan says, "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up. Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn,and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son."</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">"Well " said the bartender "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened?" </span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">"Well said Finnegan, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once..."</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">Sean is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making brute steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as Sean bursts into tears.</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">"This is the worst day of my life" says Sean. "I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!! But...enough about me, how's your day going?!"</span><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><br style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;" /><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, geneva; font-size: 13.3333px;">And don't forget about the parade in Winter Park this Sunday. 2:00!</span></div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-18827365941500322562016-03-17T09:28:00.001-04:002016-03-17T09:28:10.980-04:00Happy St. Patrick's Day!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I hope you have enjoyed the stories that have come from the Emerald Isle. While I try to find some new ones every year, today is the day I share some of my old favorites. <br />
<br />
<br />
Officer O’Brien came across a crowd of people looking up at a man standing on a ledge.<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>“Don’t jump!” emplored O’Brien. “Think of yer children.”<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>“I don’t have any children,” replied the man.<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>“Then think of yer wife.”<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>“I’m not married,” was the reply.<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>“Think of yer parents then lad.”<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>“I haven’t any parents.”<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>“Why then think of St. Patrick!”<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>“Who’s St. Patrick?”<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>“Jump ya bastard!!”<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.<br />
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.<br />
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"<br />
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.<br />
<br />
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
She followed her husband to the public house.<br />
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"<br />
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.<br />
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"<br />
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.<br />
<br />
"Name?"<br />
"Brendan O'Connor."<br />
"Same as mine. Where are you from?"<br />
"County Cork."<br />
"Same as me......"<br />
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.<br />
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. <br />
<br />
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."<br />
Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. <br />
<br />
Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"<br />
<br />
"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.<br />
<br />
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,<br />
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'<br />
<br />
O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'<br />
<br />
Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-8501543366433407772016-03-16T08:52:00.002-04:002016-03-16T08:52:55.903-04:00Day 16 - St. Paddy's Eve<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
'Murphy, why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?' said Mrs O'Leary<br />
'It's too late,' replied Murphy.<br />
'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous Mrs O'Leary.<br />
'Well, there's no rush then,' smiled Murphy.<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Walking into the bar, Shamus said to O'Hara the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'<br />
'O, bejabbers,' said O'Hara, 'And how did this one end?'<br />
'Hah, when it was over,' Shamus replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.'<br />
'Really?' cried O'Hara, 'now that's a switch! What did she say?'<br />
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, Shamus, you little chicken.'<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Kathleen had lunch with 2 of her unmarried friends. Maria is engaged to an Italian race driver, Suzanna one is the mistress to a French painter, and Kathleen has been married to Paddy for 20+ years. They chatted about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went.<br />
<br />
Maria:<br />
“The other night when my Rinaldo came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.<br />
<br />
Suzanna:<br />
Me too! The other night I met Pierre at his studio and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.<br />
<br />
Kathleen:<br />
When Paddy came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,<br />
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
An Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet and says 'I think my goldfish is epileptic.'<br />
The vet looks and says 'He looks fine to me.'<br />
The Irishman replies 'Hang on, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet!!'<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
A woman came to a priest one day and confessed, "Father, I've committed adultery."<br />
The priest is somewhat upset, but he forgives her and tells her not to let it happen again.<br />
<br />
Later that week, 6 more people came up to him and confessed the same time. He forgave him all. Within the next month, over 50 people confessed that they committed adultery. The priest was so upset that he announced to the community at mass; "From now on, if anyone of you commit adultery, don't tell me that you did. Instead, tell me something else, like 'I tripped in a pothole.'<br />
<br />
So people were always admitting to this priest that they had tripped in a pothole. Eventually, the priest died of old age. A new priest, who knew nothing about the whole pothole thing, replaced the late priest. Whenever people told him that they had tripped in a pothole, he would reply with, "That's quite okay. Just watch your step next time."<br />
<br />
One day, the priest decided to take the issue of potholes up with the Town Council.<br />
<br />
"Mr. Mayor," he said, "I think we should spend a good deal of money to repair this town's roads; people keep tripping in potholes every day.<br />
<br />
"Aye that, heh" laughed the mayor. He got into a historical fit since the priest knew nothing of the true meaning of what his parishioners were confessing.<br />
<br />
The priest was not impressed with the reaction of the Mayor and replied, "This is no laughing matter, Mayor. Your wife alone tripped in 6 potholes last week!"</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-81375325261218495622016-03-15T08:15:00.002-04:002016-03-15T08:15:49.955-04:00Day 15<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Sean was a mild-mannered man who was tired of being hen-pecked by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness. Sean read the book on the bus home. By the time he reached his house, he had finished it. He stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "Bridie, from now on, I want you to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law! I want you to make my favourite boiled beef and cabbage for the meal tonight and when I'm finished with that, I expect my favourite whiskey cake for afters. Then, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with that, do you know who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"<br />
<br />
"The undertaker." says she.<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.<br />
<br />
They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.<br />
<br />
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.<br />
<br />
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses.<br />
When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.<br />
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"<br />
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."<br />
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
<br />
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"<br />
The man said, "I do Father."<br />
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."<br />
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"<br />
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.<br />
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.<br />
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"<br />
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."<br />
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"<br />
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-11647781047610689922016-03-13T14:10:00.001-04:002016-03-13T14:10:02.766-04:00Day 13<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I don't know whether I should apologize for missing a day, or if you are all please for the respite. Either way, I hope these put a smile on your face....<br />
<br />
Sean received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and even profane. Sean tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and even reading him Scripture, or anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.<br />
<br />
Finally, Sean got really fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot just yelled back. Sean shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, Sean threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and stuck him in the freezer.<br />
<br />
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.<br />
Fearing that he might have really hurt the parrot, Sean quickly opened the door to the freezer.<br />
<br />
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I'm sorry I was rude....I will be better..."<br />
<br />
Sean was stunned at the complete change in the bird's attitude! As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"<br />
<br />
Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.<br />
<br />
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.<br />
<br />
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"<br />
<br />
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.<br />
<br />
The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"<br />
<br />
"I remember that too" she replies softly.<br />
<br />
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
A man goes into a pub in an isolated part of Ireland. The place is full of regulars, but they make him welcome and he sits down at the bar.<br />
<br />
He's been sitting there a little while, and someone says '365', and everybody bursts out laughing. The man is mystified, but says nothing. Anyway, a few minutes later, the same thing happens again: someone says '129', and all the locals start roaring with laughter.<br />
<br />
After it's happened a couple more times, the man can't take it any more, and asks the barman what it's all about. 'Oh, it's perfectly simple, really' he said. 'Round here, we don't get to hear any new jokes, and we all know the same ones, so to make life a bit easier, we just numbered them, so that we don't have to keep on telling them over and over again.'<br />
<br />
The man can see the point behind this, but it's really quite unnerving to have everybody around him laughing without knowing what's going on. Anyway, in the interests of being polite, he decides to enter into the spirit of things, so he shouts out '621', and the pub descends into uproar as every single person in there starts laughing hysterically and rolling on the floor with tears in their eyes.<br />
<br />
Even more mystified, the man turns to the barman again, and says 'Well, what's that joke, then? It seemed to go down pretty well'<br />
<br />
The barman wiped the tears from his eyes and says 'Ah, that's because they've not heard that one before.'<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
An Irish lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Jameson with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."<br />
<br />
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."<br />
<br />
"Well, thank you kindly, sir" says she. As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."<br />
<br />
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."<br />
<br />
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have another Jameson with two drops of water."<br />
<br />
"Coming right up," the bartender says.<br />
<br />
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Jameson with only two drops of water?"<br />
<br />
The old woman replies, "Ah, lad, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold the hard stuff. Holding your water, however, is another matter entirely."</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-73809230652890985922016-03-11T07:46:00.001-05:002016-03-11T07:46:39.573-05:00Day 11<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket as he weaved his way through the house that he woke up the wife."By all the saints, what are you doing down there?"she shouted from the bedroom.<br />
"Get yourself up here and don't be waking the neighbours."<br />
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted back.<br />
"Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down.<br />
"I can't" says he, "I've drank it!"<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
A Jesuit priest decided to visit a small island off the coast of Connemara. The inhabitants numbered no more than a couple of dozen, but the priest threw himself into the Lord's work with a vengeance. Having taken over the bar of the pub for Mass, and having delivered a fire and brimstone sermon, he questioned his small congregation. "How long is it since any of you had your confessions heard?" he asked.<br />
"Well, Father,' answered Brendan, the oldest inhabitant. "It must be three years since the last priest was here."<br />
"Why didn't you make a trip to the mainland?" thundered the priest.<br />
"Well, Father,' said Brendan, "the water between us and the mainland is very rough, and our boat is old and leaky. So you see. if we've only venial sins to confess, it's not worth the bother, and if we've mortal sins, it's not worth the risk!"<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."<br />
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."<br />
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,I'd take it and pour it into the river."<br />
Sermon complete, he then sat down.<br />
The choir director stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, for our closing selection,let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Murphy, O'Brien & Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says,<br />
"I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".<br />
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."<br />
Murphy says,<br />
"That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.<br />
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."<br />
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."<br />
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-20945073866771788882016-03-10T07:51:00.001-05:002016-03-10T07:51:42.072-05:00Day 10<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Casey was home from overseas with his wife and small daughter. They were going through the customs at the airport and the little girl watched the customs officer as he went through their luggage.<br />
Suddenly she said to the customs man, "Keep going, you're getting warmer!"<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.<br />
The wife, slightly angry now, says,<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of<br />
the night? I think you should help him."<br />
Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out,<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again,<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"WHERE?!"<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Over here, on your swing set!" the drunk yells back.<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"<br />
Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said,<br />
<span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span>"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.<br />
At 2:00AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."<br />
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."<br />
"That's a great idea!" he exclaims.<br />
"Good," she replies. "Get up and get your own blanket."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Young Ryan was staying with his Grandmother, and she was having great difficulty getting him to wash his face every morning.<br />
The Granny said, "When I was your age I used to wash my face three times a day."<br />
Young Ryan said, "Yes, and look at it now."<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-90374077875947453562016-03-09T07:48:00.002-05:002016-03-09T07:48:22.432-05:00Day 9<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..<br />
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave.. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole.. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep..<br />
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site.. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up..<br />
<br />
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..<br />
<br />
He got out...<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Donal Callaghan, a Limerick University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.<br />
<br />
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. Donal, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on<br />
<br />
The car started moving slowly. Donal looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. Donal, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.<br />
<br />
Shortly thereafter Donal saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.<br />
<br />
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.<br />
<br />
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like Donal, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing Donal Callaghan sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...<br />
<br />
'Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Poor Paddy was found dead, lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn.<br />
<br />
Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard. Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.<br />
<br />
Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!<br />
<br />
They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”<br />
<br />
They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor lad actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was.<br />
<br />
They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.<br />
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."<br />
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-8284788426007259472016-03-08T07:45:00.002-05:002016-03-08T07:45:20.953-05:00Day 8<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.<br />
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."<br />
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.<br />
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."<br />
"But you said there were five and you count only four."<br />
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded Galway waiting room and approached the desk.<br />
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'<br />
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.<br />
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.<br />
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.<br />
The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.<br />
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'<br />
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.<br />
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'<br />
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.<br />
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.<br />
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'<br />
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.<br />
The waiting room erupted in laughter.<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.<br />
<br />
Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. Before the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said,<br />
<br />
"What a beautiful cake!"<br />
<br />
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Paddy Murphy approached Mulligan's Bar when he was suddenly accosted outside by Sister Marie.<br />
"Surely a fine man as yerself, Paddy, is not going in to this den of iniquity?!" the good sister asked, more as an order than a question. "Surely you wouldn't waste yer hard-earned paycheck on the devil's brew when you could be buying food and clothing fer yer family!"<br />
"Now hold on there, sister!" sputtered Murphy. "Surely you won't be condemnin' whiskey without ever tasting some yerself, would ya?"<br />
"Very well then" said Sister Marie, "Just to prove my point, I'll try some. Obviously I can't go into the pub, but you go in and bring it out to me. Just have them place it in a cup rather than a glass, so as to not create a scandal out here."<br />
"Okay sister" said Murphy as he happily breezed on in to Mulligan's.<br />
"I'll have a large whiskey" ordered Murphy to the barman, "and place it in a cup, not a glass!"<br />
The barman shook his head and replied "Don't tell me that nun's outside again"</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-9461037426651087422016-03-07T07:53:00.002-05:002016-03-07T07:53:55.871-05:00Day 7<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
In a Donegal trial, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.<br />
<br />
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. O’Reilly, do you know me?"<br />
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Sean. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."<br />
<br />
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. O’Reilly, do you know the defense attorney?"<br />
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known James since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire county, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."<br />
The defense attorney almost died.<br />
<br />
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, you’ll both be found in contempt and serve 10 years."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!<br />
<br />
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Upon seeing his son's black eye Murphy asked him, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?"<br />
His son shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in."<br />
"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?"<br />
"Na, na, Father. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
An old Irishman was asked,<br />
"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"<br />
The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!<br />
Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7780239.post-42425945190944827352016-03-06T11:09:00.005-05:002016-03-06T11:09:42.859-05:00Day 6<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Mrs. O'Leary went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new physicians. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out the door and ran screaming down the hall.<br />
<br />
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.<br />
<br />
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. O'Leary is 72 years old, she has seven grown children and ten grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"<br />
<br />
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
The store manager, O'Reilly, heard Maryann his assistant tell a customer, "No mam, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."<br />
<br />
O'Reilly was horrified and ran over to the customer and said, "Of course we'll have some soon. We placed an order last week."<br />
<br />
Then he took the assistant aside and said, "Never, never, say we're out of anything - say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now what was it she wanted?"<br />
"Rain," said the assistant.<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
Idly, the American tourist watched the Cork man dig and turn over the soil. Eventually he called out: "Hey, buddy, what's that you're doing?"<br />
<br />
"I'm digging potatoes, sir."<br />
"Potatoes? You call those puny things potatoes? Back home in Idaho we have potatoes ten times that size!"<br />
"Indeed sir, and that's as it needs be; a good potato should be of a size to fit the mouth."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
For 50 years, Paddy left the box alone, until his wife Moira was old and dying. One day, when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and 82,500 pounds in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.<br />
<br />
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got angry with you."<br />
<br />
Paddy was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been vexed with him twice."What's the money for?" he asked.<br />
<br />
"Oh, well that's what I've made selling the Doilies."<br />
<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
<br />
The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish. "Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden. "What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus. "You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."<br />
<br />
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."<br />
<br />
"Do ya expect me to believe such an outlandish tale?"<br />
<br />
"I can prove it." say Seamus. So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes - no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.<br />
<br />
"Ha, ya lying rogue!" shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"<br />
<br />
"What fish?" </div>
Joehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05075767407831749989noreply@blogger.com0