Welcome to Mooneyville South

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T14:22:00.007-05:00

So I received a gift from my Dad this week and it brought quite a smile to my face. Since Dad passed away about 8 years ago, this calls for an explanation.

A box came to the house and assuming it was a gift for the kids from relatives "up North" I only opened it enough to see if the contents were wrapped. They were not, so I put it aside.

I opened it this morning and the mysterious box included a very nice Cutter & Buck glass bar set, rocks glasses and an ice tray with a letter from Old Forester thanking me for sharing my story with them.

I had forgotten about it, but a few months back, I entered a contest that Old Forester was sponsoring about the first time I tried their whiskey. So I related a story from many years ago, when I was in my mid 20s, and it was the first time I was in a bar with my Dad.

I don't remember the bar, or why it was just the two of us. I was "old enough" now, so I didn't want to just order a beer and I ordered a Bourbon and Coke. Dad taught me some valuable lessons that evening.

"Do you drink Bourbon and Coke often?" he asked.

"Sometimes," I said, "when I'm not having a beer."

"Well," he began, "you probably won't listen, but here is something to remember. Never order just Bourbon unless you know what their house brand is. Look in the well, the house Bourbon here is Old Forester, which is a good well whiskey. Don't mix whiskey with Coke, the sugar will either get you sick or give you a hangover. Mix with water if you're mixing. And always ask the bartender his name before you order. He'll treat you right if you treat him right."

I finished my Bourbon and Coke and had my first Bourbon and water afterwards - after introducing myself to the bartender (I think his name was Mike). Along with my order I asked him to give Dad another Vodka tonic. It took some getting used to at first, but I couldn't let on that the lack of sugar was stronger than my young palate was interested in.

Well I don't have the heart to Old Forester that I prefer Jim Beam now as my every day whiskey (and Irish whiskey for special occasions) but I will toast them, and the many lessons my Dad taught me, in my Christmas surprise.

Thanks Ol'Fo, and here's to you Pop!

Merry Christmas

Commitment

2011-12-17T00:06:00.002-05:00

So this new phase in life has me consistently puzzled. Dealing with my kids is quite easy. They are boys, they enjoy games with action violence and thrills. They like activities that involve dirt, fire, speed, noise, unexpected results, shock/surprise of others, combat, real or fantasized, and the expenditure of funds from any source but their own pocket.

But this adult stuff is remarkable in its absurdity. The cohorts at the bar speak of attorneys when they should speak of football players, they comment on financial markets when they should comment on the flirtations of the finer sex, and they wax ad nauseum on the finer points of online dating when they should be discussing golf shots.

But my own troubles, at least the minor ones that come to mind this week are on the view point of commitment. I am not in any frame of mind to make a commitment of any sorts to a woman these days, but I am willing to display unwavering support and dedication. To that end, I decided to leave as such a token, a bottle of fine whiskey at the home of a regular friend so that I would be able to partake of this elixir during my regular visits. Anyone who knows me would open eyes wide in appreciation of this gesture, knowing well that this is not a trivial matter but something that would be cause for affirmation of intentions.

Alas..... some do not understand..... and thus, after a brief few days - without even given the chance to sample that fine....very fine....container of spirits....I have been cast aside by the fickle nature of the fairer sex..... Damn, I'm going to miss that whiskey....

Sillyness

2011-09-02T19:15:00.002-04:00

Okay, I have been having fun with Facebook, posting nonsense and espousing trivial balderdash. But it wouldn't let me add a picture to a comment. So, I will add a link to this picture..... The Evil Little Toaster - known to cause more deaths than Lightning!!!!

Father's Day

2011-06-20T20:21:00.002-04:00

I had a wonderful Father's Day. Not the standard fare of enjoying some cards from the kids, or even a round of golf with my favorite foursome of Eric, Ryan, Adam, and I. Instead, I took a road trip to Alabama.....

We didn't have enough parents who could volunteer to take time off to take our Scouts to summer camp. So, being the guy who can't say no I helped out by offering to drive.....to Birmingham....and back again. We took in the sights, which primarily consisted of highway billboards for Cafe Risque (We Bare All) which figured prominently in the decision by the younger Scouts to read every billboard along the way. My fellow volunteer Dad and I had tears in our eyes as these guys laughed and did their best Beavis and Butthead imitation for each of the more than 20 billboards along the road. And just when I thought it was all behind us we entered Georgia and the first billboard they read aloud said, "Strippers, Need we say more?"

These little trips through reality keep me laughing and learning.

March the 17th, sleep the 18th

2011-03-18T10:55:00.000-04:00

The Donegal definition of a hangover: "Something occupying a head that wasn't used the night before."

Alas, the St. Patty's season has ended. I hope you enjoyed this years countdown and hopefully you will look forward to March 1, 2012.

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Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "Go, Go, Go!!"

A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "Go, Go, Go!!"

Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.

After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "Go, Go, Go!!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.

So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

2011-03-17T07:01:00.002-04:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I hope you have enjoyed this special countdown to this fun little holiday. I trust that today you will wear a bit of green, and maybe even share a drink and a story with an Irishman or even an honorary Irishman. Slainte!

All irishmen should live so long as to be this kind of old man! Toward the end of the Sunday Mass, the priest asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Priest then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named James O'Brien, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr.O'Brien, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. O'Brien, that is very unusual l. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. O'Brien, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old irishman tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived all the sons of bitches."

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O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile to his lips.

"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly. "Give me just a small bit of that stuff you're cookin."

"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly. "I'm savin' it for the wake!"

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Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

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When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly,

"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

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A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"

The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."

And the gunman chuckles, "Why I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

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One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.

"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.

"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.

"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.

"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.

The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him."

Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"

The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!"

Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!"

"OVER HERE, BY YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.

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Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.

Father Murphy said, “Thank you, but I’m not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then, I say a young fellow coming along with a nice, large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I’d ask him to share it with me.

I stepped out from the doorway and said, ‘Where are you going with that umbrella?’ And he dropped the darned thing and ran off.”

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“Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”

“I’ve got no wife or children.”

“Then think of your parents.”

“I don’t have any parents.”

“Then think of St. Patrick!!”

“Who’s St. Patrick?”

“Jump, ya bastard!”

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O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggles to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."

St. Paddy's Eve

2011-03-16T06:36:00.001-04:00

Day 16

The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects.

Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"

Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea! "

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

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He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

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Father O’Malley was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon young Sean trying to sell a lawnmower.

“Now son, how much ye be wantin’ for the mower?”" asked the good Father.

“Father, I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the priest asked, “Will ye take me bike in trade for it?”

Sean said, “You got a deal, Father!”

Father O’Malley took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. He called the little boy over and said, “I can't get this mower to start.”

The young Irisher said, “That's 'cause ya have to cuss at it to get it started.”

Father O’Malley said, “I'm a man of the Church, and I can't be speakin’ that way. It's been so long that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss.”

Young Sean was happily riding away and looked back at him and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!”

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Father O’Malley, and Rabbi Levine are involved in a car accident. As they both exit their cars and wobble toward the side of the road. Rabbi Levine says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”

Father O’Malley asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”

Rabbi Levine replies, “Yes. I am just shaken a little is all.”

The father withdraws a flask of whiskey from his coat saying, "Here, Rabbi. Drink some of this. It will calm your nerves."

The Rabbi gratefully accepts the flask, drinking it down while saying, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"

“Well," Father O’Malley replies, "I don't know what you’re apt to be telling them. But I'll be telling them I wasn't the one drinking."

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An American walks into McCafferty's Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.

"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks, "If you don't mind my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"

To which Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Day 15

2011-03-15T06:46:00.000-04:00

Day 15

Beware the ides of March....the jokes get worse......

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

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Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

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Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland. One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?"

The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?"

The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself." So the trainer gave him a piece.

When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"

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Muldoon was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' Muldoon asked.

His wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

Muldoon then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later Muldoon is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness he asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied,'Your horse phoned.'

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O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Day 14

2011-03-14T06:51:00.000-04:00

Day 14

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

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A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

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An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.

The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave him her license.

The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

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His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

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The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.

"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." say Seamus.

So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"

Day 13 - Happy St. Patty's Week!

2011-03-13T10:56:00.001-04:00

Where was the first St Patrick's Day celebration?

The first formal celebration of St. Patrick's Day took place not in Ireland, but in Boston in 1737. It consisted of a dinner attended by wealthy Protestant gentlemen and merchants who had recently come over from Ulster to settle in the colonies. By 1775, the Boston celebration included a march with 70 soldiers from the British Army who were at the time occupying Boston (an interesting note is that exactly 1 year later, in 1776, the British Army was marching again — but in double time — as they were retreating from the city. So in Boston, March 17 holds two causes to celebrate — St Patrick's Day and Evacuation day.)

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This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married.

He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful women and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while.

He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"

"I don't like her."

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Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself."

"No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya."

Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! Okay, okay, I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!

Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go."

They keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!"

Patty answers, "No, no, no, I've got to go."

Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go passed the pub once again, they start in again, "Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!"

Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go."

They beg, "C'mon boy, just one."

Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."

It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch. "Oh No!! I've got to go!!"

Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells, "Patty! It's after 11 o'clock! what took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?"

Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims, "Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"

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He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt. Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed. "I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

Day 12

2011-03-12T10:49:00.001-05:00

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

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So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"

Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"

With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

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Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!"

"I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

Day 11

2011-03-11T06:43:00.002-05:00

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom

together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

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Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is

a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very

long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that

the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

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This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

"Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

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He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

Day 10

2011-03-10T06:40:00.000-05:00

Day 10

If you are looking for a way to begin the celebration, and you happen to be local to the Central Florida region, downtown Sanford will be holding a St. Patrick's version of their Alive After Five Happy Hour this evening. Guiness, green and gingers galore.......

A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar.

The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn,and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. "

"Well " said the bartended "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? "

"Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion.

"You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"

"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.

"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."

"Who were the five?" asked a listener.

"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."

"But you said there were five and you count only four."

"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

Day 9

2011-03-09T07:07:00.000-05:00

A US police officer was on exchange in County Tipperary in Ireland with the Garda as part of a new law enforcement program between the two countries. One day the sergeant informed him they’d be stopping cars looking for suspicious characters.

The day was going along with nothing to report until an older man pulled up in a small Ford van. He seemed agitated and the American officer was immediately suspicious.

“Where are you travelling to today?” asked the officer. The older man angrily mumbled something the officer couldn’t understand and tightened his hands on the wheel. The alarm bells went off in the officer’s head and he reached for his baton, backing away from the car and saying,

“Sir, I can’t understand you – could you please step out of the vehicle.” At this the man became quite angry and turned to the officer, yelling at him,

“I SAID I’ve just come from KILLING A MAN and now I’m off to KILL A BOY!! Now feck off and let me on with me business!!”

The officer immediately arrested the older man on suspicion of murder and brought him in for questioning. Instead of the praise he expected, the Irish garda sergeant uncuffed the suspect as soon as he saw him and, after just a few words, let him go with an apology before sternly taking the American officer aside.

“That man is Paddy O’Loughlin,” said the sergeant, “he’s well known to ourselves, runs a local delivery business – he’s harmless.”

“But – what about his confession to murder?!” protested the yankee officer. The sergeant hefted a tired sigh.

“Paddy might not be a very polite man – and he shouldn’t have yelled at you – but you really need to learn the names of the local areas here.” The sergeant then pointed to a map on the wall where the American saw his mistake. The American officer had stopped Paddy directly on his daily route between Kilnaman and Killaboy, County Tipperary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy Irishman frequented a busy pub near his home. The problem he would have is that every time he got up to go for a cigarette someone would end up drinking his pint before he got back.

One day Paddy resolved to stop this from happening. He came equipped to the pub that night with a pen and a piece of paper. When he decided it was time to get up and go for a cigarette he produced his pen and paper and wrote, “I spat in this.”

Folding the paper so the note was clearly visible, he hung it from the edge of his mostly full pint and went to enjoy his cigarette.

When he returned he was relieved to find his pint untouched, the paper still hanging from the lip of the glass. But when he sat down he saw that someone else had written something on the paper.

Underneath his note it now read: “I spat in it too.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man escaped from a mental institution in Ballinasloe. He ran until he got to Mullingar, at which point he located a public phone and rang the hospital back in Ballinasloe.

“Hello?” says the receptionist.

“Eh, Hello,” says your man, “Can you tell me is there someone in room number 68?”

“One moment,” says the receptionist, setting down the phone. The man waited anxiously until he heard her returning to the phone. “No sir, I’m sorry – there’s nobody in room 68.”

“HOOORAY!!” he shrieked in delight, “I’VE ESCAPED!!!!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upon seeing his son's black eye Murphy asked him, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?"

His son shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in."

"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?"

"Na, na, Father. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."

Day 8

2011-03-08T06:49:00.001-05:00

Today I share a little bit of medical humor, some would say a very little bit......

O'Toole is a doctor but he's a bit henpecked by his wife. One evening the phone rang. It was from a professional colleague asking him to join some others for a game of poker. When he put the phone down, his wife said,

"Is it an emergency?"

He said, "Yes, there's four doctors there already."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.

"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.

"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"

"But about your foot.....?"

"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."

"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.

"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses.

When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people."

"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"

"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."

"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey came home from seeing the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?"

He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."

She said, "So what, lots of people have to take a pill every day for the rest of their lives."

He said, "I know, but he only gave me four."

Day 7

2011-03-07T06:46:00.001-05:00

Happy Monday!

A Belfast newspaper once reported the launching of an aircraft carrier and recorded: 'The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.

One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."

"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Day 6

2011-03-06T08:59:00.002-05:00

A little humor for your Sunday....

An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery. As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.

A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.

"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said.

He got out...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.

The preacher continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death.

"Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."

Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"

"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The innocent old lady had a huge bottle with her as she passed through the Irish Customs.

"What have you there?" asked the Customs man with suspicion.

"'Tis Lourdes water, I'm bringing home with me."

He took the bottle, tried some and spluttered.

"Let me tell you," he said, "that's not Lourdes water. That's first-class French brandy."

"Lord bless us," she said. "It's a miracle!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May those who love us love us.

And those that don't love us,

May God turn their hearts.

And if He doesn't turn their hearts,

May he turn their ankles,

So we'll know them by their limping.

On the Fifth Day of St. Paddy's.......

2011-03-04T22:46:00.001-05:00

A few for those of you dedicated enough to come searching on a Saturday.....

Police in the Republic of Ireland, the Garda, have been chasing a mysterious and impossible to find Polish driver who has apparently committed more than 50 motoring offences. Officers had been puzzled how the mysterious "Prawo Jazdy" had always produced his documents, but each time with a different address. They have now discovered the embarrassing truth after checking with the Polish embassy….. "Prawo Jazdy" is Polish for "driving license" and is printed on all Polish licenses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,

"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."

The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"

Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy and Sean were drunk after the annual college dinner and wanted to leave the hotel.

"Look, son. Howdjwegetout?"

The porter pointed along the passage.

"Turn to the right at the next passage and go down two steps and you'll be in the main hall."

They staggered on together, turned right and fell down the elevator shaft to the basement. As they sorted themselves out, Paddy rolled over and said, "Look, Sean. If that fella thinks I'm going down the other step, he's crazy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Malley's daughter was on her way home from work one night by bus and it was raining heavily. When she reached her stop, she jumped off the bus and began to run to her house a couple of streets away. She heard footsteps behind her and, looking around, she saw a man following her. She reached home, hammered on the door and her mother let her in.

She said, "Oh, mother, a man ran after me."

Her mother said, "I know." as the man came in the gate. "It was your father, he went to meet you with your raincoat and umbrella."

Day 4

2011-03-04T07:05:00.001-05:00

As we head into the weekend, here are some quotes by the Irish or about the Irish. And don't forget, the Central Florida St. Patrick's Parade is Sunday in Winter Park!

"This day is a happy one for America. In some places Americans get a little too happy."

- President George Bush, greeting Bertie Ahern at the White House on St. Patrick's Day 2004

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."

- Irish Soccer superstar George Best

"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."

- Jonathan Swift

"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."

- Brendan Behan

"Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf."

- Irish saying

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Jameson's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says Murphy.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

Murphy then goes outside and tells Seamus that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. Seamus rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon Seamus goes into the street, sees Paddy, and tells him how to get free drinks.

Paddy hurries into the bar and begins to drink shot after shot of fine Irish Whiskey. Suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a

funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," Paddy responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

On the Third Day of St. Patty's......

2011-03-03T06:45:00.002-05:00

Day 3....

The trick to Irish humor is not the stupid guy joke but more the innocent play on words or emphasis that twists a seemingly harmless phrase into that "Gotchya" that leaves even the object of the barb with a smile on their face. Enjoy some of these classical Irish wit bits.

In a literature class in Dublin some years back, students were given an assignment to write a short story involving all the important literary ingredients — Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. The winner was: "My God!’ cried the Duchess. ‘I’m pregnant. Who did it?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Trinity Law School, the professor asked a student if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I believe, sir, this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poor Paddy was found dead,lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn. Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard.

Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!

They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”

They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor lad actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was. They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.

"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.

"It's windy," said one.

"No, it's Thursday," said the next.

"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Day Two

2011-03-02T07:29:00.002-05:00

"So why St. Patrick's Day?" I've been asked many times. It is a stress free occasion as there are no expectations of gift exchanges, large family gatherings, planned dinners, or travel to see long lost relatives. It is a simple day celebrating a simple people who would much rather sing, tell a tall tale, or drink a few pints than start a fight......

Seamus walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have.

Seamus replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".

Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order Seamus says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".

Finally the bartender asks Seamus what trouble he's talking about.

Seamus says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you".

The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night".

Seamus says "Ohh, now the trouble starts"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.

Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".

O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."

Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.

He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Time is Here!

2011-03-01T11:22:00.004-05:00

'Tis the 1st of March, the beginning of the greening! With a scant 17 days to celebrate, and only 1 to rest I will try to keep a smile on your face, and anticipation of St. Patrick's Day in your mind.

I will do my best to keep these jokes friendly and only pick on the Irish.... Oh, I may take a jab at the English here and there, but they will hardly notice.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor,
'Well, what's the girl's name?
'Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
'Denephew.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

November

2010-11-09T00:03:00.004-05:00

It has been a while since I've put anything out here, and there are multiple reasons for that. One, I haven't had much to write about, so anything I would put out here would be more boring than usual, and two, my account information changed, I couldn't remember my password and such since Google changed everything about. I hate to admit that, but that's the truth.

Anyway, I came across something this evening worth sharing. I was looking up a Gaelic phrase in response to a Las who kept ending letters with a nice Spanish sentiment. Well that will be another story for another day 'cause it's late and you know how I run on sometimes about nonsense and get off topic and forget my point and....and....Where was I?.... Oh yeah, the Gaelic bit.

Anyway, I found this fine list of "Useful Irish Sayings" in the old tongue and I just had to share. Here is the list... No lie: (the list presents the English, the Gaelic, and phonetic)

Thank you.......Go raibh maith agat.......guramahhagut
Thank God.......Buíochas le Dia........bweeahhkus lay djeeah
Take it easy.......Tóg bog é....... toge boag ay
Never mind....... Ná bac leis....... nah bahk lesh
Be careful........ Bí curamach....... be kuramakh
Be quiet....... Bí ciúin....... be ku-in
shut your mouth.......... Dún do bheal........ dun doe vale
Kiss my arse......... Póg ma thoin........ poag mah hone
goodbye ( if staying)....... Slán leat...... shlahn lyaht
goodbye (if going)........ Slán agat....... shlahn ugut

So matter of fact these helpful Irish sayings are. And notice the progression. Be careful....Be quiet....shut your mouth....Kiss my arse....goodbye..... How.....Irish..... :)

March the 17th, sleep the 18th......

2010-03-18T09:08:00.000-04:00

If only it were possible.....but with kids and work the option of sleeping off a wonderful night of celebrating is not to be......but, I will survive. There are only 364 days until I do it all over again..... :)

The Donegal definition of a hangover: "Something occupying a head that wasn't used the night before."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. His secretary had set up three interviews for him, with an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Irishman.

The first interview was with the Italian. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, the Englishman asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.

The Englishman did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with the Frenchman and he was even better than the first. The Englishman asked the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," stammered the Frenchman, "you have no ears."

The Englishman again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.

He was wary of the last interview with the young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. The Englishman was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.

Sean fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

2010-03-17T00:01:00.002-04:00

Today's Irish Quote:

"Mr. Speaker, I said the hounourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases."

Richard Sheridan
Irish playwright and politician, 1780

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun.

"Don't jump," she said, and I'll grant you three wishes."

"Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."

She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."

He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."

She said, "They will be there when you get home."

He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."

She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted."

Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me."

He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.

She said, "What age are you?"

He replied, "I'm forty."

She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the mental hospital and he hears the residents inside chanting,

"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Officer O’Brien came across a crowd of people looking up at a man standing on a ledge.

“Don’t jump!” implored O’Brien. “Think of yer children.”

“I don’t have any children,” replied the man.

“Then think of yer wife.”

“I’m not married,” was the reply.

“Think of yer parents then lad.”

“I haven’t any parents.”

“Why then think of St. Patrick!”

“Who’s St. Patrick?”

“Jump ya bastard!!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LIttle Sean had spilled the ink all over the classroom floor. The teacher came down and stood looking sternly at him.

"Sean," she said, "if you spilled something at home, what would your mother do?"

Sean said, "Well, she wouldn't just stand there lik you, looking at it, she'd clean it up."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s a new concept pub opened-up in Ireland - it’s got mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night.

Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub - he didn’t know about the mirrors. He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”

Flanagan didn’t know about the mirrors either and he said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”

Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”

Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Day 16

2010-03-16T00:01:00.001-04:00

Today's Irish Quote:

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."

Soccer superstar George Best

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says,

"Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed."

Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself."

"No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya."

Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! Okay, okay, I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!

Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go."

They keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!"

Patty answers, “No, no, no, I've got to go.”

Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go past the pub once again, they start in again,

"Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!

Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go."

They beg, "C'mon boy, just one."

Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."

It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch.

"Oh No!! I've got to go!!"

Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells,

"Patty! It's after 11:00! What took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?"

Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims, "Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Englishman and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey.

He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who say, ''May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.''

The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irishman, whom replies, ''No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of Jameson’s in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.

“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood.”

Day 15

2010-03-15T00:01:00.000-04:00

Today's Irish Quote:

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)

"I shall hold this case in camera," said the Irish judge.

"What does that mean?" asked the witness.

"Well," said the judge, "I know what it means, and the jury knows what it means you just tell us what happened on the night of June 1st."

"I went to a dance," related the witness, "and Mary asked me to see her home. It was a fine evening and after we'd crossed a field we sat on a stile in the moonlight and I put my arm around her. After that, there was a little mushy, sweety-pie palaver."

"And what, pray, does that mean?" asked the judge.

The reply came quickly: "I know what it means, the jury knows what it means, and if you'd been there with your camera, judge, you'd know what it means."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted.

"I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thomas Delaney met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?"

"It was grand," said the priest.

Delaney said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?"

And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"

Delaney said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?"

The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"

He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?"

The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?"

Then the priest said, "By the way, Thomas, how many chances did you take?"

He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Haggerty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.

"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"

"You'll have to," said Dr. Haggerty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."

"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "Just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly,

"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

Day 14

2010-03-14T00:16:00.001-05:00

Today's Irish Quote:

"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.

"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."

"Who were the five?" asked a listener.

"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."

"But you said there were five and you count only four."

"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A black, black night it was as Mick made his way homeward from the pub. Suddenly he heard a small voice crying for help and so, full of Guinness and good will to all men, he followed the sound 'til he came across the small figure of a leprechaun with his foot caught under a large stone. Mick freed the green-clad little fellow, helped him gently to his feet and made sure all was well.

"Good sir," said the leprechaun, bowing stiffly and low, "I am in your debt and wish to repay yer kindness. I would deem it a favor if ye'd accept three fairy wishes."

"Shure now that would be foine," said Mick.

"Make a wish then," said the little man, "and whatever ye want, 'twill be granted."

"Oi wish Oi had a bottle of stout," said Mick.

No sooner were the words spoken than a bottle appeared in Mick's hand. Gently he unscrewed the top and supped the bottle.

"Sir," interrupted the leprechaun, "I don't mean to be rushing ye, but I must get on and ye still have two more wishes to make."

"Well," said Mick, "Oi wish this bottle would never be empty."

"Done," said the manikin.

Mick had another swig and another and, sure enough, after each the bottle would replenish itself.

"Glory be," said Mick, dancing a small jig and supping some more.

"And what's your third wish?" the leprechaun inquired politely.

"Shure now," said Mick, waving his magic bottle, "Oi'll have another one of these."

Day 13

2010-03-13T00:45:00.002-05:00

Today's Irish Quote:

"When I get a very generous introduction like that, I explain that I'm emotionally moved, but on the other hand I'm Irish and the Irish are very emotionally moved. My mother is Irish and she cries during beer commercials."

- Former U.S. General Barry McCaffrey

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.

The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave him her license.

The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”

The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the train is always running late, anyway.”

The man then said, “It certainly will be today - I’m the driver!”

Day 12

2010-03-12T00:01:00.000-05:00

Today's Irish Truth:

The English word "Whiskey" comes from the Gaelic "uisce beatha" (pronounced ish-kuh ba-ha) which means "water of life."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."

The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.

"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.

He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day.

He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.

Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.

"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Said the lost balloonist to Casey in the field, "Ahoy below, where am I?"

Casey shouted up to him, "You can't fool me, yer up there in that little basket!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.

Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

Day 11

2010-03-11T00:13:00.002-05:00

Today's Irish Quote:

"Even if the ball was wrapped in bacon, Lassie couldn't find it."
Heard from an Irish caddie, after a particularly bad shot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Roman Catholic priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass."Good morning,' Mr. and

Mrs. O'Riley. “I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church.”

"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful",

said Mrs. O'Riley.

"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great basilica at the

Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."

Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs.

O'Riley, did you ever have any children?

"Deed I did , Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.

"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you.

"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Mr.O'Riley. Is he here?

"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a

sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying,

"Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and

his money) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a

couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,

'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come

Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile

to his lips.

"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly. "Give me just a small bit of that stuff

you're cookin."

"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly. "I'm savin' it for the wake!"

Day 10

2010-03-10T00:01:00.001-05:00

Today's Irish Quote:

"Drinking is the only way to find out whether or not your neck leaks!"
Unknown

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''

''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.

He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." sayS Seamus. So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"

Day 9

2010-03-09T00:01:00.001-05:00

Today's Irish Quote:

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
Oscar Wilde

Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland. One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?"

The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?"

The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."

So the trainer gave him a piece.

When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions,

"Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side.

Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts, "Go, Go, Run!!"

A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "Go, Go, Run!!"

Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself,

"What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?"

This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time. After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side.

Now Paddy stands up and shouts "Go, Go, Run!!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.

So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.

"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.

"Next?"

"Two glasses of whiskey."

"Next?"

"One glass of brandy."

"Next?"

"A fight."

Day 8

2010-03-08T00:01:00.001-05:00

Today's Irish Quote:

"A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way."
Dave Allen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.

"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."

"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking.

Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"

Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"

With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it.

Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.

"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.

"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.

"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.

"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.

The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him."

Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"

The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!"

Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!"

"Over here, on your swing set!" the drunk yells back.

Day 7

2010-03-07T00:09:00.004-05:00

It should be a fine day for a parade! Hope to see you on Park Avenue!

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.
Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.

Murphy said, "Where are we now?"

The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."

"It's a big place," said Murphy.

The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."

And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got.

Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.

Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.

"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"

This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked,

"Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said,

"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

Day 6 - Weekend Edition

2010-03-06T00:40:00.004-05:00

For you loyal followers who had the good sense to come here and check without an e-mail reminder, God love ya!!

Today's Irish Quote:

“Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.” - Oscar Wilde

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Timothy met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?"

"It was grand," said the priest. Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?"

And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"

Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?"

The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"

He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?"

The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?"

Then the priest said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"

He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.

"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all Winter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two friends Sean and Paddy were two of the biggest football fans in Ireland.
Their entire adult lives, Sean and Paddy discussed football history, and they pored over all the statistics. They went to all of the matches. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was football in heaven.

One summer night, Sean passed away in his sleep after watching a Manchester United victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Paddy awoke to the sound of Sean's voice from beyond.

"Sean, is that you?" Paddy asked.

"Of course it me," Sean replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Paddy exclaimed. "So tell me, is there football in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there's football in heaven, Paddy."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're playing tomorrow night!"

Day 5

2010-03-05T00:01:00.003-05:00

Today's Irish Quote:

"The government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."

George Bernard Shaw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"

She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.

"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest.

"Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"

"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"

"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:

"Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.

Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything.'"

O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."

Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery.

As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.

A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.

"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said.

He got out.

Day 4 - Thirsty Thursday

2010-03-04T00:01:00.003-05:00

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine; something Brussels Sprouts never do.

- P. J. O'Rourke

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up. "I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?" "Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars." "Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write." "Nor swim either," added the widow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want
to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

Day 3 - Read 'em and laugh!

2010-03-03T00:01:00.003-05:00

These are much funnier if you read them after a few drinks. So after work today, pour yourself a few fingers worth of a fine Irish whiskey (or have a beer if you must) and read them again. I promise that you'll enjoy them more....

"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience"
Oscar Wilde

One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan, I'm perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning, I can tell exactly what's wrong."

Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?"

Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole, she'll know what to do."

Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.

A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"

"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So I said, 'Go crap in yer hat!,' and the fight was on."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."

Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"

"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

(And if you don't get that last one, ask your Catholic friend....)

Day 2 - The laughs keep coming....

2010-03-01T23:59:00.002-05:00

Irish Quote of the day:

"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."

Brendan Behan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.

Murphy: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.

One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."

"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.

Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."

"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."

"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."

The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"

Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along.

One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The English stranger was seated next to Murphy on the plane when he thought he would have some fun with the Irish traveler. He turned to Murphy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Murphy, who had just opened a magazine, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What now would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the smirking Englishman. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Murphy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"My," said the Englishman. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Murphy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Let the Jokes Begin!

2010-02-28T21:21:00.006-05:00

The Olympics have come to a close and while we will all miss curling, ice dancing, and skeleton, how can we really take seriously any event this long that didn't feature an Irishman?

With the end of the Olympics, comes the beginning of March, a time where we can all look forward to the end of cold weather, the beginning of baseball, the lead up to March Madness, hockey games with a purpose and of course, 17 days of Irish jokes!! Enjoy.....

The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.

Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor.

Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?" Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea! "

Murphy said, "Leave it to me."

Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray! "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud. And he was lying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along.

He kneeled down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?"

And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?"

And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?"

He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (Also Kerrymen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."

"What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple of hunters in Kerry are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." ....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The Attraction of the Drama Club

2009-11-17T09:45:00.003-05:00

Eric has found a new activity. No, Band is not yet finished but what the heck, he had a few nights a week with nothing to do but homework. So he has volunteered his time as a part of the stage crew to help the Drama Club.

With his penchant for soaking up the spotlight, and his natural talent for grandiose entrances, it was only a matter of time until The Stage attracted him. While he is following his father's footsteps in working back stage, I believe he has more of his Uncle Bill's talents for performing rather than supporting. Wouldn't Grandpop be proud that he has discovered the Arts and takes such joy in acting. He truly enjoyed the taste of Shakespeare he had in 8th grade as they put on modernized performances of Sir William's finest works.

So what was it that drew him to this new found activity I asked, "I met some of the kids from the Drama Club in debate class and they said they needed some help and they are really a lot of fun." Seemed innocent enough and a good use of his talent and idle time.

I went to pick him up from his first night working with the Drama Club last night. He was patiently sitting on the wall out in front of the school - but in no hurry to leave as he had a pair of cheerleaders sitting on his lap......

He's a freshman.....this isn't supposed to be that easy for him....."They are in the Drama Club dad." "Are they the kids that talked you into joining?" I asked. "Yeah," he answered with a smirk....

Uncle Bill? Do you want to call him with any "Drama Club" advice? But I think he might be ahead of your progress in this area......

A Problem with Marching? How can that be???

2009-09-29T10:03:00.002-04:00

Eric has begun his experience with the Oviedo High School Marching Band and I received some rather troubling news from his Band Director/Music Teacher. Apparently, Eric is having some difficulties learning the marching steps. Heavens to Betsy!! This son and grandson of a foot soldier can't MARCH!! There are some areas of expertise that I never really thought I would have to share with my kids, but it looks like those hours I spent Walking the Area will come in handy. Of course one carries a saxophone a bit differently than a rifle, but I take pride in being able to step off a 30 inch step, exactly, whenever called to do so.

So this weekend, we will conduct some remedial marching in the Mooney back yard in an effort to have Eric uphold the family honor. Heaven forbid that he begins marching like someone from Navy........

Hanging 'Em Up

2009-09-16T22:36:00.003-04:00

It happens too soon....it always does, but my youngest son, Adam, decided that he no longer wanted to play baseball. So after being a fixture around the Little League complex for 7 years, it's time to "hang 'em up."

After the Game

I’m going to miss that reddish clay that turns to mud on rainy days

I’m going to miss the rakes and things, and lining basepaths with long white strings

I’m going to miss that child’s thirst for one day being safe at first

I’m going to miss this Little League, but my 10 year old says he’s too big.

For 7 short years I’ve been a part of this game that has brought us all together

It gave me hope, it brought me joy, it made me curse the weather.

“Let’s hustle out there,” is the coaches refrain,

“Which boy is yours? “What is your name?”

“Who here can pitch?” is asked on day 1, and 10 hands reach for the sky

And when not an arm can reach home plate it’s enough to make you cry.

The socks are too big, the shirt is too small, “My son hasn’t gotten a hustle ball.”

“Can I have a team drink?” “Hey, what do you think, can this team win it all?”

But we wait for that day when bat finally meets ball for that kid who has struggled all year

Because that “0 for the season” that we have nightmares about, is a coaches biggest fear.

5 tools are the dream, but not for these kids, just a ball, a glove, and a bat

Winning is never as important as getting that brand new Rays hat.

So if you see an old guy, hanging round King Street, looking like he’s lost his son

Invite him on out to shag some fly balls, he really just misses the fun.

The Dance

2009-05-29T18:41:00.000-04:00

If this post looks weird, excuse me as I am posting from a Blackberry. Also, my concentration level isn't what it should be as I'm using Crystal as my editor. :)

Eric has his first dance tonight. It is his 8th grade dance.He also has his first date as he is escorting Kaitlyn to the dance. It is a Mardi Gras theme tonight and the toughest part was finding clothes that he thought appropriate for such a theme and at the same time wouldn't scare the bejeebers out of his date. As any woman who has dated a Mooney can attest, this is a challenge. I tried my best to impart my wisdom- and when that didn't work, I used the Dad Factor! If I saw something that I thought was too weird (Would Rich wear this to a party? Yes?? It's too weird....) I would immediately suggest it and thus Eric would summarily dismiss it from consideration.

He settled on a black pair of dress pants and a black shirt with a very subtle purple and grey pattern. He chose a black tie with some purple highlights and a bulldog wearing a Mardi Gras crown!! He was on the verge of looking pretty sharp.

When we got home, he tried everything on. The shirt was too big and he decided that it was too dark for Mardi Gras. He wanted a purple jacket to wear with it....

If Uncle Rich was closer, I would have asked if he happened to have a purple jacket. If I still lived in Philly, I would have gone to the nearest Mummers hall and borrowed one. We decided that I would find him an alternative for the shirt. I did find a light purple shirt the next day and he was psyched.

Come game day, he put his ensemble together, adding the jacket he found in the closet. It was small...it was his Mom's. I had 3 choices: tell him he looked great, suggest he lose the jacket, frantically find a replacement. I chose #2. Eric chose #1.

Well I delivered him not too long ago and as he jumped out of the car, he spotted one of his buddies, a black kid, wearing the same purple shirt....Eris was psyched again. He saw other friend right away, none with jackets, half with purple shirts. I left laughing to myself wondering what his date would think. I'm sure she will love the tie....

Beauty

2009-05-19T20:20:00.002-04:00

I stopped at the Wing House today to kill some time and happily spent quite a bit of time talking to Crystal and her two friends. I had stopped in a couple of weeks ago with a couple of buddies, and we met Crystal, one of those memorable experiences that the Wing House offers now and then. I would best describe her has my Dad would, she was a "very healthy young lady." Her two friends you ask? Well, it would have been rude to ask if they had names.......

Anyway, it was a very slow evening which means that she was pleased (forced) to talk with me one-on-one for an extended period. I was actually there long enough to notice that she had blue eyes.....she mentioned that I was the first customer to compliment her on her eyes....(she has been working there for about a year).

We spoke about all of the typical things that bartenders and customers talk about. You know, how boobs make a perfect place to keep a pen, and how a thong is not that uncomfortable if you're moving all the time, and how silly of a rule it was at the bar that you could not have visible tattoos since the outfits didn't leave that much that wasn't visible...... We even ventured into the sports world to talk about what should happen to Michael Vick when he gets out of jail.....I never would have thought that she could have come up with that one - OUCH!!!

Well, to make a long story get to a point, she revealed that she was engaged. The few guys at the bar were deflated (and that was the only thing at the bar that could be described in that way). But just to give man hope, and hope these days is audacious, she did reveal that she is pissed at her fiance as he has scheduled a weekend away "on some island" this week. "Does he realize how much he is costing me in for not working this Saturday?"

My, she is a romantic........

Twitter

2009-05-19T09:56:00.004-04:00

A little over a year ago, when Twitter first hit the scene, I created an account to see what it was all about. I think I used it during one business trip to Denver and never did anything with it again.

Well this past week I have received two notifications that someone is stalking me via Twitter. They must be really bored, and since I don't even remember my log-in to Twitter, they are going to be even more bored waiting for me to Tweet.

I don't remember the first person who decided to follow me, I just treated it like spam and away it went. I was a bit more curious with the second and discovered that she is in the same line of work as I but in Scotland. I don't know whether to feel sorry for her or feel concerned that people are following me - or maybe someone has hacked my Twitter account and they are posting something interesting that I should be following........

Blogging, Twittering, Facebooking, YouTubing, conspiracies all to drive the Post Office out of business - But that's okay, since we don't need the mail anymore, the Post Office employees can run the National Health Care system when it starts.......

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-16T23:09:00.002-04:00

Ta Da!!! It's here!!! Finally, after 16 torteous days (and some of those jokes are torteous) we are rewarded with a day unlike all others. It is expected that the Irish have a good time today - of course the world is disappointed if any day passes when the Irish don't have a good time. But today, unlike other days, they will forgive us for our revelry, pardon our boisterousness, and may even look the other way if we spill a drop or two.

The day will begin with strong coffee, perhaps with a bit of something special if you don't have to go to work - what the heck, it's St. Patrick's Day, even if you do have to go to work, the boss is sure to look the other way just this once. For lunch, treat yourself to something filling that goes well with Guiness - and the only thing I've found that doesn't go well with Guiness is Peanut Butter and Jelly (don't ask....I've got kids ye know). As the day progresses, make sure that you know your surroundings, especially the path to the restroom, double especially if you've got that "old man bladder."

In the evening, it's got to be corned beef and cabbage washed down with generous amounts of the Mother's Milk (The cabbage, combined with Guiness is sure to be a hit with the global warming crowd - enjoy it while you can before they tax the Irish for extra green house gases). Then, it's off to the pub, or two, or three.....There are songs to be sung, glasses to be raised, crowds to be squished by, and stories to be told, oh so many stories to be told - feel free to use any that you might have seen here.

As the day comes to a close, thank your bartender and hug your waitress (or vice versa) in appreciation of the fine time you had. Be generous with your tip as they have endured some who are not so gracious as yourself. If you're driving....say a prayer, if you've got a designated driver, be a sport and by them breakfast on the way home. When you are home, safe and sound, don't be tempted by the thought of a night cap - you're going to bed, another drink at this point won't do a thing but make you snore louder. And in the morning, when you rise to find that your pajamas are on backwards, your shoes are on and on the wrong feet, and there is a mysterious smell in every room that you walk into, think back on what a fine 17 days it has been - and start planning for next year!

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

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A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."

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McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"

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O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."

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A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"

The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."

At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

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A black, black night it was as Mick made his way homeward from the pub. Suddenly he heard a small voice crying for help and so, full of Guinness and good will to all men, he followed the sound 'til he came across the small figure of a leprechaun with his foot caught under a large stone. Mick freed the green-clad little fellow, helped him gently to his feet and made sure all was well.
"Good sir," said the leprechaun, bowing stiffly and low, "I am in your debt and wish to repay yer kindness. I would deem it a favor if ye'd accept three fairy wishes."
"Shure now that would be foine," said Mick.
"Make a wish then," said the little man, "and whatever ye want, 'twill be granted."
"Oi wish Oi had a bottle of stout," said Mick.
No sooner were the words spoken than a bottle appeared in Mick's hand. Gently he unscrewed the top and supped the bottle.
"Sir," interrupted the leprechaun, "I don't mean to be rushing ye, but I must get on and ye still have two more wishes to make."
"Well," said Mick, "Oi wish this bottle would never be empty."
"Done," said the manikin.
Mick had another swig and another and, sure enough, after each the bottle would replenish itself.
"Glory be," said Mick, dancing a small jig and supping some more.
"And what's your third wish?" the leprechaun inquired politely.
"Shure now," said Mick, waving his magic bottle, "Oi'll have another one of these."

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In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

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Murphy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whiskey please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later Murphy shouts, "Another whiskey for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
Murphy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money."
With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though Murphy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whiskey for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs Murphy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

St. Patty's Eve

2009-03-15T22:04:00.002-04:00

It's St. Patty's Day Eve!! The excitement is at a fever pitch. Have you dug up the song-sheets and started practicing? Find those old CDs that you put in the St. Patty's decorations box and hope the heat of the attic didn't melt them. It's the music and laughter that make the day. I've heard that some people don't particularly care for Irish music. Well, you probably should plan on staying home on Tuesday night.

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

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An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave.. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole.. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep..
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site.. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up..
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..
He got out...

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Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says,
"I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says,
"That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

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Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"

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Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

Day 15

2009-03-15T09:54:00.000-04:00

The Sunday before St. Patty's is a day for celebration and parades in many of America's big cities. Only a few have the parade on the 17th, willing to tie-up traffic and in general kill the work cycle on a Tuesday. Here's hoping that the weather is grand in those cities having their celebration today. For the rest of us, it's time to deck the halls and put up the final trimmings, water the shamrocks and get the beer on ice.

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
"I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
"And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

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The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

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O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

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At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

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A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box.
She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

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An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

Day 14

2009-03-13T23:46:00.001-04:00

It's the Saturday before St. Patty's. That in itself is reason to be happy. Put on top of that that the temperature here in Central Florida is in the 80's, there are spring training games everywhere, the kids are playing baseball, the beaches are filled with party goers, friends from up North are visiting, the leaves have finally stopped falling and Spring has sprung!! At least that is how things are here, I can only hope that life wherever you are is just as enjoyable. If not, enjoy a laugh on me......

God then made man. The Italians for their beauty. The French for their cuisine. The Welsh for their voices. The Germans for their cars. And on and on until He looked at what He had created and said, "This is all very well, but no-one is having fun. I'll have to make an Irishman."

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Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people."
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"

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Paddy had a wee bit too much and was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. The policeman walks up and says, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Paddy asks, "Ossifer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Paddy says, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."

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Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."

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The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Same as mine. Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

Lucky 13

2009-03-12T22:42:00.001-04:00

It's the Friday before St. Patty's Day!! And as happens every so often, it is Friday the 13th. Of course all of you have been blessed with the luck of the Irish just by reading these daily bulletins. You have been reading every day, haven't you???? Also, as the weekend before the grand day arrives it is time for.....Dress Rehearsal! I'm sure you're just like me and every day you stare in the closet wondering just which green outfit to wear. :) Well, pick out something nice for the weekend celebrations, but leave the green formal wear for Tuesday!

Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let the Catholics across?"

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Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.
Murphy said, "Where are we now?"
The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."
"It's a big place," said Murphy.
The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."
And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"

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"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

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Dugan, in a decidedly tipsy state, boarded a bus and sat down in front of a minister reading the evening paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven," bawled Dugan. "I ain't -hic- goin' to heaven!"
The minister continued to read his paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven 'cause there ain't no heaven!!"
"Well, go to hell then," said the preacher. "But be quiet about it!"

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Murphy walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says Murphy.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
Murphy then goes outside and tells Seamus that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. Seamus rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon Seamus goes into the street, sees Paddy, and tells him how to get free drinks. Paddy hurries into the bar and begins to drink shot after shot of fine Irish Whiskey.

Suddenly, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," Paddy responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Day 12

2009-03-11T23:02:00.000-04:00

With St. Patrick's Day falling on a Tuesday this year, people are asking me, "What day will the celebration and parties be?" Of course I look at them carefully and wonder what it is they don't understand about the calendar.....I'm sure that there will be a few hearty souls who will insist on celebrating a bit early and perhaps singing an Irish song or two, hoisting a few pints with friends, or even sipping a bit of their favorite Irish Whiskey. And I have only one thing to say to you if this is in your plans, "Where are you going to be?"

Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the mental hospital and he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

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Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
“It’s windy,” said one.
“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.
“So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and have a drink.”

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A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”
The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the train is always running late, anyway.”
The man then said, “It certainly will be today - I’m the driver!”

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Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in downtown Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly Father," said the man.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then the priest walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake.

He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson Irish Whiskey. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

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Day 11

2009-03-10T22:33:00.004-04:00

Less than a week to go!! I might have a tough time getting all of these jokes out there.

Father Lynch concludes Sunday Mass by telling the congregation, "Next Sunday I am going to speak on the subject of honesty. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the good Father says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.

Father Lynch continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

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Seamus walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have. Seamus replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts."

Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order Seamus says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts."

Finally the bartender asks Seamus what trouble he's talking about.
Seamus says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you."

The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night."
Seamus says "Ohh, now the trouble starts...."

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Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.

He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

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One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.

Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.

"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

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Reginald, an English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews.

The first interview was with Antonio. Antonio knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Reginald asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.
Reginald did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a Frenchman, Rene, and he was even better than the first. Reginald asked Rene the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," Rene said stammering, "you have no ears."
Reginald again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.

Reginald was wary of the last interview for it was with a young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. Reginald was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.

Sean began laughing uncontrollably and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!"

Day 10

2009-03-09T23:59:00.002-04:00

We are down to the last week. Seven short days between now and the grandest of days. Each year, as I add new friends and acquaintances to the list of recipients, I am asked, "What's the big deal about St. Patrick's Day?" Well, after I mutter to myself, "Damn heathen.." I realize that in this day of diverse cultures not everyone has had the opportunity to grow up experiencing the joys of Irish culture. The Irish, you see, are a race of people who hold love, laughter and friendship in higher regard than anything else. Does that mean that we don't fight? You must be daft!! But every fight ends with a laugh and a new found friendship. When we cry, it is accompanied by a song that is just bad enough to make you laugh. And when we drink, and we do drink on occasion, we create new songs and stories of past loves, laughs, and friendship. The Irish are not that different from other peoples, but it is best summed up by the words of one of Ireland's most talented and famous writers, Oscar Wilde, "Life is far too important to be taken seriously."

Please, if it is political correctness you are looking for, read the Congressional Record. But if you would like a smile with your reality, sit down with an Irishman.

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''

''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

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Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.

Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "GO! GO! RUN LIKE HELL!"

A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "GO! GO! RUN LIKE HELL!"
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.

After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "GO! GO! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.

So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

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The old farmer was getting ready for bed in his hotel when a lovely young girl in a see-through negligee bounced in.
"Pardon me," she said with confusion, "I've come to the wrong room."
"Not only that," the farmer sighed, "You're twenty years late."

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Mrs. Riley went into the confession box and was about to start when she noticed an unfamiliar face behind the shutter.
"You're not Father Donlan. What are you doing there?"
"I'm the cleaning man, M'am."
"Well, where is Father Donlan?"
"I couldn't tell you, but if he heard anything like the stories I've been listening to, he's gone for the police."

Day 9

2009-03-09T09:12:00.000-04:00

For those of you in Central Florida, I hope you made it to the parade yesterday. It was a perfect day and the participants and spectators were equally festive. With pipers, dancers, and proud Irish Americans as far as the eye could see, it was a glorius day.

To keep us all in the mood.......

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says, "Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed." Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself." "No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya." Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! O.K., o.k. I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!! Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go." The keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!" Patty answers, No, no, no, I've got to go.

Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go passed the pub once again, they start in again, "Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!! Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go. They beg, "C'mon boy, just one." Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."

It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch. "Oh No!! I've got to go!!" Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells, "Patty! It's after 11 o'clock! What took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?" Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims,

"Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The game warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus.
So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

Day 8

2009-03-07T23:50:00.003-05:00

With only 10 days to go, let's learn a bit of history about the day....Why the 17th of March? This is widely believed to be the day that Patrick died. In its early years, the 17th of March was named the "Festival of St Patrick's Falling Asleep". It involved religious sermons about the life and work of Patrick, followed by celebratory activities, such as dancing, music, and perhaps even a little drinking.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."
Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.
Father Murphy said, "Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me. I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?' And he dropped the darned thing and ran."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flanagan came home at four o'clock in the morning half drunk, and all his wages spent. His wife said, "How did you spend all your wages?"
He said, "I bought something for the house."
She said, "What could you buy for the house that cost so much?"
He said, "Eight rounds of drinks."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Applications for jobs on a government dam project had to take a written examination. The first question was: What does hydrodynamics meant?
Casey, who was an applicant, hesitated for a moment, then wrote, "It means that I don't get the job."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Day 7

2009-03-06T22:29:00.002-05:00

It's the weekend and that new bottle of Jameson's is tempting me so much that a wee drop might be good for the soul.

I've dug deep into the collection for some of these, I hope they make you chuckle :)

Said the lost balloonist to Casey in the field, "Ahoy below, where am I?"
Casey shouted up to him, "You can't fool me, yer up there in that little basket!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Young Ryan was staying with his Grandmother, and she was having great difficulty getting him to wash his face every morning.
The Granny said, "When I was your age I used to wash my face three times a day."
Young Ryan said, "Yes, and look at it now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The doctor said to Flanagan, "The best thing for you to do is to give up drinking and smoking."
Flanagan said, "What's the second best thing?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey was home from overseas with his wife and small daughter. They were going through the customs at the airport and the little girl watched the customs officer as he went through their luggage.
Suddenly she said to the customs man, "Keep going, you're getting warmer!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon came home after a hard day working on the land. He found the house in a complete mess, and there was no dinner ready.
"What's wrong?" he asked his wife.
She said, "Do you remember this morning, when you asked me what on earth I did here all day? Well today I didn't do it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grannie Hennessey was 90 and her eyesight was beginning to fail. She was staying with her son and family. One day whe wasn't feeling well, so Hennessey sent for the doctor who came and examined her. The doctor came down stairs and said, "There's nothing to worry about, Grannie is in good shape for her age."

Hennessey's wife dashed upstairs and gave Grannie the good news and told her the doctor said she's fine.

Grannie said, "Oh, that was a doctor......I thought he was a bit familiar for a priest."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole volunteered to take care of the children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to be and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. At 10:00 the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien.

She asked if her son was there. O'Toole said, "No."

Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey's daughter had invited her boyfriend to their house and Casey was showing the young man his garden. The young man was impressed with the flowers and vegetables and said, "How do you get such lovely vegetables and flowers?"
Casey said, "Buckets of manure."

The daughter listening said to her mother, "Ma I wish you'd get Dad to say fertilizer instead of manure."

The mother said, "My poor child, it's taken me 10 years to get him to say manure."

Day 6

2009-03-05T22:36:00.002-05:00

I hope that this first week of the St. Patty's humor epistles has been enjoyable. The most difficult part of this is deciding which jokes to share. Believe it or not, I have way more than I lay out here each year. Hopefully some of these are ones that are new or at least not too old :)

One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.
"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.
"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.
The wife, slightly angry now, says,
"Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of
the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out,
"Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"
The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again,
"WHERE?!"
"Over here, on your swing set!" the drunk yells back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey and Flanagan went mountain climbing in the Alps and got cut off by an avalanche.
They were sheltering on a ledge when they saw a St. Bernard coming, with a little keg of brandy hanging around his neck.
Flanagan said, "Look! Here comes man's best friend."
Casey said, "And look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

On the 5th day of St. Patty's, the wee folk gave to me......

2009-03-04T23:09:00.004-05:00

The thing about Irish jokes, at least good Irish jokes, is that they are close to real life - or at least plausible. I don't much go for the "dumb" jokes as they don't really describe the Irish, they just show our good nature and ability to laugh at ourselves. But be advised that if you persist on sharing your "dumb" Irish jokes, you may stumble across another well documented Irish characteristic, and I don't mean our willingness to buy a round of drinks.....

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.

"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.

"Next?"

"Two glasses of whiskey."

"Next?"

"One glass of brandy."

"Next?"

"A fight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,

"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."

The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"

Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An 80-year-old Irishmen goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

“I'm Irish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of Whiskey and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Irish golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little whiskey and that's why he's still alive. He's Irish and he's a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Irish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,

'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Day 4

2009-03-03T20:49:00.005-05:00

With less than 2 weeks to go, I implore you to get your shopping finished early. Even with the recession we are battling, there is sure to a run on the essential staples of life around this time of year - Irish Whiskey, corned beef, cabbage and tacky green shirts :)

Mrs. Casey had reached the grand age of 104. She was the oldest living being in County Cork. The newspaper sent a reporter to interview the old woman about her longevity.

"Have you ever been bedridden?" asked the newsman.
"Oh, many times," replied Mrs. Casey. "An' once in a canoe, too!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy had just come off the boat into New York and spent the first few days just wandering about the city. One afternoon he walked into a saloon and saw a sign behind tghe bar that read: ALL THE BEER YOU CAN DRINK FOR $1

"Okay, bartender," said Paddy. "Gimme two dollars worth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Callahan was at a pitch of fervor in his sermon on drinking. "What could be worse than drink?" he boomed.
"Thirst!" shouted Hannigan from the rear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," Katie said.
"How many," Murphy asked, "are you going to marry?"

This one is one of the classics.....

Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

Day 3 - Some Irish Quotes

2009-03-03T00:00:00.014-05:00

As you may, or may not know, we Irish like to talk a lot. Just to get a feel for the Irish mystique, here are some quotes regarding the Irish:

"We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English."
- Winston Churchill

"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift

"I only drink on two occasions - When I am thirsty and when I'm not thirsty."
- Brendan Behan

"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."
- Sigmund Freud (speaking about the Irish)

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
- Irish Soccer superstar George Best

"I used to go missing quite alot...Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World."
- George Best

"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
- Brendan Behan

"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
- Quentin Crisp

"The most important thing to remember about drunks is that drunks are far more intelligent than non-drunks. They spend a lot of time talking in pubs, unlike workaholics who concentrate on their careers and ambitions, who never develop their higher spiritual values, who never explore the insides of their head like a drunk does."
- Shane MacGowen, lead singer/songwriter for The Pogues.

"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bagpipes and called it music."
- source unknown

"Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf."
- Irish saying

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- Flannery O’Connor, Irish Writer

Of course it wouldn't be a daily joke entry if I didn't provide you with some true Irish jokes. Rather than provide you with more of my archive entries, I want to expose you to the wit, wisdom, and Irish humor of one of the Emerald Isle's best comedians. I point you in the direction of Tommy Tiernan.

And just so you don't feel cheated.......

A woman from Co. Kerry hired three men to move her furniture. When she saw two of them struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the third fellow was. “Oh, he’s in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling!”

Day 2

2009-03-02T00:09:00.006-05:00

The first Monday in March is the official warm-up day for St. Patrick's Month. It's time to make sure that your stock of Irish Whiskey is ample. Have you got that all important date lined up for the big day? More importantly, have you got that more important designated driver lined up?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Garda (the Irisher term for the police), a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.

"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.

"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"

"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.

"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.

"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing. "...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly, "Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ritual of the Irish wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. His neighbor Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"

Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea! "

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

Happy St. Patrick's Month 2009

2009-03-01T14:16:00.003-05:00

It's Time!! The 2009 edition of the St. Patty's Month build up is happening. You will find some new, many old, some laughers, and some groaners, but hopefully all that depict the Irish Spirit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do hope you will enjoy these next 17 days!!

I Shouldn't Have Laughed

2009-02-19T21:11:00.005-05:00

I didn't think.... I thought it was funny and I didn't have my "Yes Dear" shield on. Of course it's my fault......

My lovely wife was reading me an e-mail from the Sierra Club. I had just come home from work and had not yet turned off my rational thought mechanism that I use throughout the day and had yet to activate my silent husband mode. After all, I work with engineers....all kinds of engineers: transportation, architectural, civil, structural, even environmental, but I can always speak freely - and disagreements are typically based on facts. Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm wrong, sometimes we just have differences of opinion. It's always cordial and always polite.

But I slipped up and as she read aloud that the Sierra Club was anxious to undo the 8 years of environmental crimes committed by the Bush administration, I laughed, nearly choked on my garlic bread and said, "Congress has been making the laws for the last 8 years, not George Bush...." It was too late....the Redhead with a Cause couldn't believe that I would defend a Republican.

Now it's not like I've been hiding the fact that I'm a Republican from her for all these years. We've been canceling each others votes out forever. And I have no idea why she decided to share with me what the Sierra Club had to offer. Perhaps she thought that some mind-altering message had been transmitted from Washington since the inauguration and that now everyone would agree on everything.

When will I learn? I have to remember to leave my brain in the driveway.....I guess I should look into martinis as my father did, that should help me act less rationally.

Directions

2008-11-25T17:12:00.003-05:00

I went to Tampa for work on Monday and used the opportunity to hoist a few beers with Sarg, my college roomate. We met at one of his local watering holes and shared the BS for a while.

The conversation was typical - sports, wives, kids, young girls - and interupted only by the barmaid's discussion of tatoos......
........."Well, I do have one more here," she said, pointing innocently at her hip....."But we can't see that"..... "Oh, I don't mind, I'll show you.....

-And she did!! And the other barmaid had to show us where she had one removed! It took several long hard looks before we were convinced that the 8 laser treatments did the job...All in all it was the perfect cocktail hour for two dirty old men...

But I had to drive back to Orlando so Sarg provided me with directions home.....

....."Come out of the parking lot here into this mess of traffic and turn right at Fowler. Take it to 30th street - you can't miss it, and you'll drive past a few gas stations, a Hooters and....." And I never heard another word.....How could I get lost with such an easy to identify landmark along the way? And I was certain that out in front of Hooters there would be a big sign that said, "Hey Mooney, the Interstate is just up ahead."

It only took me 2 U-turns to finally drive past the Hooters without any idea of what lie ahead - or if this was the specific Hooters that Sarg had in mind. But what the heck, Florida isn't that wide, if I reach water, I just turn around and head back....

I finally relented and asked for directions - from my Blackberry. I found the Interstate and headed home. I was getting hungry though - "Hey look - there's a Hooters up ahead......"

Farmers vs. Bankers

2008-11-21T15:21:00.003-05:00

A coworker scheduled an early meeting, and by early I mean at a time before I typically leave to drive into work. So I had to respond with a gentle and humorous explanation......

I break people down into 2 classifications, Farmers and Bankers, based on when they are most productive. Farmers are most productive early in the day, get most of their work done before breakfast, love to get up before the sun and get to the office early - and not just to get a good parking spot.

Bankers, on the other hand, realize that there are all of these farmers out there trying to get everything done real early and that it is dangerous to get in their way. Bankers realize that no matter how early in the day you arrive, you're still going to have to stay late to get the work done. Bankers take late lunches, enjoy cocktails before dinner, are typically night owls, and they get to the office just late enough to get a good parking spot because one of the farmers has already left the office to go to a meeting.

When a friend saw this they told me I was describing Democrats (Farmers) and Republicans........

Dream Series

2008-10-20T15:05:00.002-04:00

So it comes down to this. I have been coaching Little League teams of various ages for 7 years now. Each year I have insisted that the kids need to be the Rays to support a Florida team. "You can’t cheer for your dad’s team," I tell them. "You are Florida kids and you need to become fans of Florida teams." There was always one kid who would ask, "So why do we have to be the Rays (Devil Rays)? Why can’t we be the Marlins?" My response is always the same, "Because my Dad is a Phillies fan so we can’t be the Marlins."

Now, after all these years, I’ve got 3 of my own boys (and of course, my Florida born wife) cheering against me. I’ve made contacts in the Rays marketing office who have been kind enough to send my teams equipment and leftover trinkets and giveaways. This past spring they made a significant contribution to our Little League after thieves broke into to our concession stand. This year there is a World Series that will interest my friends and family since so many of them know my plight – a Phillies fan who has been supporting the Rays since their inception. Just who will he root for?

I hope it goes 7 games with long balls, great defense, stolen bases and non-stop excitement. I hope the media discovers the young ball players and seasoned managers who were overlooked last Spring as the focus remained on the usual suspects.

My living room is adorned with my now deceased dad’s Phillies jersey that he would wear to watch big games. My kids are dressed in Devil Rays and TB Rays shirts and hats, dissing all of the Red Sox and Yankees fans they go to grade school with.

So who am I cheering for? I can honestly say that I will be happy whoever wins. But if it is at all telling, my computer desktop is a Rays logo. The Fall Classic is fun again……

Golfing with My Oldest Son

2008-07-16T17:12:00.001-04:00

On the event of my son Eric’s 13th birthday, he expressed a desire to go golfing on a “Real” golf course rather than the Par 3 course we typically visit. It was quite a day and as you might imagine, he was more excited about the opportunity to drive the cart rather than play golf. As we approached the 1st Tee, I mentioned that he could hit from the Red tees as they were the Junior tees. He informed me that Uncle Rich said he should never ever hit from the Red Tees as they were only for girls. Thanks Uncle Rich, at least you didn’t share with him the penalty for not hitting your drive further than the Ladies tee.

During our round at the fine Twin Rivers golf course the 7th hole is an intimidating 175 yard Par 3 over water to an elevated “island” green (It only has water around 3 sides but it is referred to as the island green here). As Eric drove the cart up to the tee box – screeching the tires to a loud and typically Mooney entrance, he looked at the hole and very quietly asked if he could hit from the Red tees on this hole. This would still require him to have a 100 yard carry over the lake. I told him he could hit from the Junior tees at anytime. As we waited for the foursome on the green to finish, the gentleman occupying a sales tent on the tee box came over to tell us of his amazing offer – some discount card that we were not interested in. If we purchased a card we got a sleeve of balls. If we landed on the green, it was half-off the price, yada, yada, yada…..

The guy was a personable as a salesman can be and told Eric that if he made it over the water, he would give Eric a sleeve of balls, no obligation. This put even more pressure on the kid but he was excited to try. In typical Mooney fashion, he lined up his shot, aiming well left of the target. He made sure to keep his head down and began his swing with all of the strength and coordination his body could muster. As the gallery of two looked on the clubhead accelerated towards the ball, his body weight shifted, and the club followed a perfect arc, up through the warm Florida air, helicoptering 40 yards before shattering the quiet with a loud SPLASH! The ball sat atop the tee, untouched and still perfectly dry. The salesman and the young golfer looked at me in horror, wondering what my reaction would be…….And I let out my loudest laugh of a truly hysterical day just in time for another foursome to arrive at the tee box. The salesman gave Eric the sleeve of balls, thanking him for the best laugh he had in a while. Eric was Mooney enough to laugh at himself, take out his 3 Wood and promptly plunk one of his new balls into the drink. Before we left, the salesman asked Eric to pose for a picture than can be seen on his website.

And yes, I did clear the water and chipped up close enough to make par – and of course missed the putt……

Hot and Cold

2008-03-19T22:51:00.000-04:00

It was quite a site. Warming and chilling at the same time......

It happened in downtown Orlando. As an over 50 married man, I rarely if ever see the night life of downtown. This occasion was only a return from a basketball game with the kids having parked away from the arena to save a few bucks.

As we made our way towards the car, up ahead I saw something that instantly awakened my libido. There, in the shadows of Pine Street were approaching some very long, shapely legs. These were not run of the mill ordinary limbs. These went on and on and on for what seemed like an eternity. And at the top of these legs were some very attractive torsos, topped by pretty young heads with meticulously arranged coiffures. I would guess that they were in their early 20s.

I don't know if they were very tall for their age, but that is the impression one gets when seeing legs go on that way. But before you get the feeling that I am obsessed with legs, let me mention what struck me as odd and perplexed me in the way that screams that I am now a parent.

Orlando in March can be a beautiful time of the year. In many cases, Spring has reached us and the weather is suitable for visits to the beach. This night was not one of those instances and the temperature was around 40. Now these pretty young girls must have had plans for quite some time to insist on wearing these particular outfits on this particular night because as hot as they looked, they were freezing their...legs off.

Their attire was, to say the least, flimsy. These dresses were the shortest I had ever seen outside of a strip club. (Not that I've been to one of those in eons either, but there are some memories that have not been blurred....) They were so short that as my 7 year old passed them I couldn't help but notice that his head was entirely below the hemline. My first thought was that they borrowed something from a little sister, but since all three of them shared the same style, I dismissed that thought as downright stupid. My next thought was, "How will they sit down?" but I determined that if their evening was successful, sitting was not something that was going to occur.

Of course there were no jackets, that would have ruined the effect. One can only hope that the warmth their vision brings to the male observer will reflect back in their direction as they wait in line outside of whatever nightclub they have targeted.

And my final thoughts, at least those that I am willing to share, was that I am ever so happy to have three boys. And I'm even happier for them that the miniskirt will never go away.....

Day 364

2008-03-18T00:30:00.002-04:00

Okay, there are only 364 days until St. Patrick's Day!!! If you woke up counting, you didn't have a great night - or you're just obsessed with this sort of thing... :)

I do hope you had a grand St. Patrick's Day. And if your evening was extra special, please be sociable and remember to call her/him to keep the St. Patty's spirit alive!

March the 17th - Sleep the 18th!!!

Here is some bonus material for those loyal visitors who came back just to see if there was anything to feed the withdrawal symptoms that every Irishman goes through on the 18th.....

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all Winter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was a cool and foggy night and Murphy was manning the radar. He radioed a message to an oncoming vessel, “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.”

The reply from the vessel came quickly, “Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.”

Murphy replied: “Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

The vessel replied, “This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”

Murphy repeated, “Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.”

The excited response was, “THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Murphy’s calm reply was, “We are a lighthouse. Your call.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Garda, a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.

"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.

"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"

"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.

"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.

"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing.
"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."

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The Pope was having a state visit with the Queen of England, when they decided they should make an appearance together. They came out onto the balcony of Windsdor Castle, and stood there for the crowd to cheer and take pictures. The Queen decided to have a bit of fun at the Pope's expense, and said to him,
"Watch this. With one wave of my hand, I can make every Englishman cheer for five full minutes."
She does so, and the Englishmen predictably applaud madly.
Not to be outdone, the Pope says to the Queen, "Very impressive. Now, watch me. With a nod of my head, I can make every Irishman in the crowd cheer for TEN minutes straight."
The Queen figures the Pope's just made an impossible offer, so she agrees to give him his chance. He stands, faces the crowd and head-butts the Queen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got.
Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.
Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.
"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey and Flanagan went mountain climbing in the Alps and got cut off
by an avalanche. They were sheltering on a ledge when they saw a St. Bernard coming, with a little keg of brandy hanging around his neck.
Flanagan said, "Look! Here comes man's best friend."
Casey said, "And look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

2008-03-17T00:53:00.003-04:00

Finally, the day has arrived. I hope that you observed the weekend properly and enjoyed some singing and laughter with friends and family. If you did, you have observed the most important part of Irish culture.

If you've been keeping up through these past 17 days, hopefully you've found at least one of these jokes that is worth retelling. And if you've been reading through them and haven't been able to conjure up a smile, than this first one is for you:

“Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife or children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in down town Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

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A man gets a job in a natural history museum. His job is to stand next to this old dinosaur skeleton and talk about it.
Some students came in one day and asked him, “How old is that skeleton?”
The man replied, “65 million years and 7 months.”
The students exclaim, “Wow! How can you pinpoint the exact date and time?”
The man replies, “Well, when I came to work here, it was 65 million years old, and I’ve been here 7 months, now!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”
The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the train is always running late, anyway.”
The man then said, “It certainly will be today - I’m the driver!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Old Thomas O'Doherty was increasingly afflicted with terrible headaches as he aged. Eventually his love life began to suffer because of the headaches, so he decided to seek medical advice.
However, he went from one specialist to another without finding a cure. One day he went to see Dr. Flynn, who finally was able to solve Thomas’ headache affliction.
Said Dr. Flynn, "I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches, but the bad news is that the cure will require the surgical removal of your testicles.”
“I am afraid that you have an unusually rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The resulting pressure is creating one enormous headache, and the only way to ease the pressure is to take out your testicles.”
Poor Thomas took the news with both shock and despair. “Do I have anything left to live for?” He wondered.
But Thomas felt so anguished, he could not even formulate an answer to his own question. However, he finally decided that he had no choice. The testicles must go.
After the surgery as Thomas left the hospital, he rejoiced that his headaches were now gone. However, he felt depressed because an important part of himself was also gone.
While walking down the street, he realized that his life might now be greatly improved. He could now make a new beginning for himself and live a pain free life.
As he strode past a men's clothing store, Thomas thought, “A new suit would be a fitting celebration.”
After entering the shop Thomas told the salesman, “I have decided to treat myself to a new suit.”
After eyeing Thomas from head to toe, the salesman said, “You look like a size 44 long.”
Thomas was amazed and laughed, “however did you know?”
“It's my job,” replied the salesman.
Upon trying on a 44 long, Thomas found that it fit perfectly. As Thomas admired himself in the mirror, the salesman inquired, “Perhaps you would like a new shirt to compliment your new suit?"
Thomas responded, “Why not?”
Once again the salesman eyed Thomas’ neck and arms, saying, “Looks to me like a 16 and one half neck and a 35 sleeve.”
“That is amazing,” said Thomas. “But however did you know?”
“It's my job,” said the salesman.
As Thomas tried on the shirt, of course it fit perfectly. Then the salesman asked, “I believe that we have the perfect new shoes to go with your new suit!”
Thomas replied, “Let’s go for it!”
Once again the salesman’s magic eye perused Thomas’ feet, and he said, “I believe 9-1/2 E.”
Thomas was astonished, “Right again! However did you know?”
“It's my job,” responded the salesman.
Naturally, the shoes fit perfectly. As Thomas admired his new look in the mirror, the salesman said, “Underwear!”
Immediately Thomas replied, “Alright.”
As he eyed Thomas again the salesman said, “Size 36 waist.”
This time Thomas laughed, “It looks like I’ve got you this time. I have worn size 34 since I was only 18 years old.”
But the salesman shook his head saying, “Sir, you cannot wear a size 34. That would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one enormous headache.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

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O’Brien, a retired electrical engineer, was attending the homecoming football game at his old alma mater, Notre Dame, one crisp fall afternoon. He had been talking football to a college freshman sitting next to him when the conversation turned to electronics and how quickly the world was now changing. The freshman said that it would be impossible for O’Brien’s generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the freshman said loud enough for the everyone nearby to hear.
"Today we have television, jet planes, and space travel,” the freshman continued. “Man has walked on the Moon, and our spaceships have visited Mars.”
“We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and…"
Suddenly O‘Brien interrupted the young student and also spoke loud enough to be heard by those nearby, "You're right. We didn't have those things when I was young; so we invented them. What the hell are you doing for the next generation?"

Day 16 - St. Patty's Eve

2008-03-16T13:22:00.000-04:00

Humor is a large part of the Irish culture, and not just in the stories and jokes that are shared at the pub, here is some evidence of humor in everyday life in Ireland:

Sign on a Limerick shop: Out for lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.

Signs on Irish farm gates:
Horse Manure: 50p per pre-packed bag. 20p -do it your self.

The farmer allows walkers across the field for free, but the bull charges.

Notice on a Cork building site:
The shovels haven't arrived, and until they do, you'll have to lean on each other.

A particular favorite for theft is the road sign to one Co. Kerry village that reads: "Inch, 1 mile."

A Belfast newspaper reported on the launching of an aircraft carrier and recorded:
The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea.

A newspaper in Ireland published the headline:
Half the council are crooks, but was asked to retract it. The following week it ran the heading: Half the council are NOT crooks.

Ireland, reknown for storytelling, has produced many authors and politicians. Here are some quotes that demonstrate their wit, or lack thereof:

It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. - Brendan Behan

"Burn everything British, except their coal." - Jonathan Swift

Little Boy: Mr. President, how did you become a war hero?
President Kennedy: It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. - Oscar Wilde

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it. - George Bernard Shaw

No man is an Ireland. - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. - P. J. O'Rourke

It was a bold man who first swallowed an oyster. - Jonathan Swift

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.

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Lord John Dillon didn't smoke and couldn't stand any of the people who did. One morning as he was seated in the train carriage, an elderly Irishman sat opposite him and lit up his pipe.
Immediately Dillon said, "Look, my good man, this is a nonsmoking carriage and I wish that you would put that pipe away. Here is my card so that you know the important source from which this comes."
The elderly man looked at the card and put it in his pocket. However, he kept on smoking. This infuriated Dillon no end; hence, when the train stopped at a junction, Dillon got out from the carriage and began to look for a guard. When Dillon found the guard, he complained loudly and demanded that he oust the old man. The train guard went into the carriage and informed the old man that he must stop smoking. With that, the old man reached in his pocket and handed the guard Dillon's card.
"Oh, okay, your Lordship," and the guard tipped his hat and went on. When he came back to the platform, he said, "I'd like to stop him, but I don't dare. That's that old crazy politician Dillon with the blabber mouth. If I crossed him, it might cost me my job. You know what a revengeful ass he is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.
Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

Day 15

2008-03-15T09:53:00.000-04:00

Let the celebration begin!! With all of the confustion of Holy Week, many an Irish Pub are beginning the celebration this evening - Not that we need a pub keeper to tell us when to start the party.....

Have a grand weekend and share some of these with those who ya meet!

Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let the Catholics across?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A black, black night it was as Mick made his way homeward from the pub. Suddenly he heard a small voice crying for help and so, full of Guinness and good will to all men, he followed the sound 'til he came across the small figure of a leprechaun with his foot caught under a large stone. Mick freed the green-clad little fellow, helped him gently to his feet and made sure all was well.
"Good sir," said the leprechaun, bowing stiffly and low, "I am in your debt and wish to repay yer kindness. I would deem it a favor if ye'd accept three fairy wishes."
"Shure now that would be foine," said Mick.
"Make a wish then," said the little man, "and whatever ye want, 'twill be granted."
"Oi wish Oi had a bottle of stout," said Mick.
No sooner were the words spoken than a bottle appeared in Mick's hand. Gently he unscrewed the top and supped the bottle.
"Sir," interrupted the leprechaun, "I don't mean to be rushing ye, but I must get on and ye still have two more wishes to make."
"Well," said Mick, "Oi wish this bottle would never be empty."
"Done," said the manikin.
Mick had another swig and another and, sure enough, after each the bottle would replenish itself.
"Glory be," said Mick, dancing a small jig and supping some more.
"And what's your third wish?" the leprechaun inquired politely.
"Shure now," said Mick, waving his magic bottle, "Oi'll have another one of these."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Englishman and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey.
He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who say, "May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony."
The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irishman, whom replies:
"No thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!"

Day 14

2008-03-14T00:23:00.001-04:00

The holiday is nearly upon us. In many locales around the World, St. Patrick's Day is being celebrated on the 15th to avoid conflict with the Catholic Church's Holy Week. The pessimist wants to know why they are tinkering with St. Patrick's Day; the optimist is thrilled that we have a three day celebration....

Poor Paddy was found dead, lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn.
Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard. Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.
Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!
They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”
They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor lad actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was.
They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Brien aspired to be an accountant, so he went down to take the Irish accountancy exam.
The examiner asked him, “If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”
O’Brien replied, “five.”
The examiner answered, “Five? No, now listen to me carefully once again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?”
Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”
The examiner was beginning to get flustered, so he said, “Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer do you have?”
“Four,” answered O’Brien.
“Good!” said the examiner. “Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”
Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”
Exasperated, the examiner pleaded, “How on earth do you figure that two lots of two rabbits equals five?”
Said O‘Brien, “I already have one rabbit at home.”

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Father O’Malley, an Irish priest, and Rabbi Levine are involved in a car accident. As they both exit their cars and wobble toward the side of the road. Rabbi Levine says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”
Father O’Malley asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”
Rabbi Levine replies, “Yes. I am just shaken a little is all.”
The father withdraws a flask of whiskey from his coat saying, "Here, Rabbi. Drink some of this. It will calm your nerves."
The Rabbi gratefully accepts the flask, drinking it down while saying, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"
“Well," Father O’Malley replies, "I don't know what you’re apt to be telling them. But I'll be telling them I wasn't the one drinking."

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Little Ryan had spilled the ink all over the classroom floor. The teacher came down and stood looking sternly at him. “Ryan,” she said, “If you spilled something at home, what would your mother do?” Ryan said, “Well, she wouldn’t just stand there like you, looking at it, she’d clean it up.”

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"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," Katie said.
"How many," Murphy asked, "are you going to marry?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time. After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

Day 13

2008-03-13T00:02:00.002-04:00

Lucky 13! If you're enough lucky to be Irish...You're lucky enough!

The Luck of the Irish is legendary although there is some question as to whether it is good luck or bad luck......

A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Timothy met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?" "It was grand," said the priest.
Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?" And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"
Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?" The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"
He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?" The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?" Then the priest said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"
He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey came home from seeing the doctor looking very worried.
His wife said, "What's the problem?" He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."
She said, "So what, lots of people have to take a pill every day for the rest of their lives."
He said, "I know, but he only gave me four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s a new concept pub opened-up in Ireland - it’s got mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night. Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub - he didn’t know about the mirrors.
He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”
Flanagan didn’t know about the mirrors either and he said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”
Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”
Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”

Day 12

2008-03-12T00:05:00.002-04:00

With only 5 days to go, make sure that your green shirt is clean and that you've stocked up on the Irish Whiskey.......

Murphy stumbles into the front door of the pub and orders a drink, the bartender says,
"No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later Murphy comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink."
The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"
Five minutes later Murphy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk"
Murphy scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said,
"I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming.
She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered,
"Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Really, I’m O’Connor too. Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.
Father Murphy said, "Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me. I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?' And he dropped the darned thing and ran."

Day 11

2008-03-11T00:01:00.001-04:00

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him,
"This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion.
"You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"
"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

Day 10

2008-03-10T00:06:00.001-04:00

My apologies to those of you who checked in over the weekend to see if I was keeping up. Well, I wasn't because we are a busy family. There was hardly time for a beer this weekend....honestly! But worry not, I will make up for it during the next 7 days!!

He wasn't Irish, but he certainly had the spirit.....

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.
Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"
No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly,
"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole is a doctor but he's a bit henpecked by his wife. One evening the phone rang. It was from a professional colleague asking him to join some others for a game of poker. When he put the phone down, his wife said,
"Is it an emergency?"
He said, "Yes, there's four doctors there already."

Day 7

2008-03-07T00:35:00.000-05:00

This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married.
He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while.
He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"
"I don't like her."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Roman Catholic priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass.
"Good morning,' Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. “I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church.”
"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.
"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great basilica at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."
Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?
"Deed I did , Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.
"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you.
"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Mr.O'Riley. Is he here?
"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted.
"I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

Day 6

2008-03-06T00:10:00.002-05:00

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana.' Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death.
"Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."

Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"
"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks,

"Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:

"Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Day 5

2008-03-05T10:46:00.003-05:00

What a fine season this is. I took the boys to the local arena to watch the Globetrotters perform and a friend told me that they had no trouble picking me out of the crowd since I was the only one with the green hat and shirt on. I just don't understand why I would be the only one.......

This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married.
He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while.
He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"
"I don't like her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says, "Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed." Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself." "No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya." Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! O.K., o.k. I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!! Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go." The keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!" Patty answers, No, no, no, I've got to go.

Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go passed the pub once again, they start in again, "Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!! Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go. They beg, "C'mon boy, just one." Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."

It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch. "Oh No!! I've got to go!!" Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells,v"Patty! It's after 11 o'clock!vWhat took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?" Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims,

"Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.

Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.

"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ritual of the Irish wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. His neighbor Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"
Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea! "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

Day 4

2008-03-03T22:50:00.001-05:00

I was in a discussion about the local parade with a friend who marched in it. While I had a difficult time understanding why it was so early in March, I had to admit that it certainly was an Irish event since it has a bit of controversy to it. All over the globe this year, there is discussion about when to observe St. Patrick's Day, for this year it falls during Holy Week, considered a time of sober reflection. Perhaps you haven't noticed but there is rarely any sober reflection during a St. Patrick's Day parade.

Anyway, I thank the City of Winter Park for hosting the parade and thanks to all those who marched.

Many towns in Ireland are observing the holiday early in order to keep Holy Week holy. However, the largest centers of Irish Culture (watch the oxymoron comments please), Dublin and New York City will be observing on the 17th.

So which are the shortest and the longest parade routes? The longest parade in the world takes place in New York, with a route that stretches over four miles, while the shortest in Dripsey, County Cork, Ireland, which is a mere twenty yards long — simply a parade between two pubs. I've been to New York and I hope to make it to Cork some day......

And now for todays laughs:

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it doctor, I'll come back when you're sober."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reginald, an English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews.

The first interview was with Antonio. Antonio knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Reginald asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.
Reginald did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a Frenchman, Rene, and he was even better than the first. Reginald asked Rene the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," Rene said stammering, "you have no ears."
Reginald again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.

Reginald was wary of the last interview for it was with a young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. Reginald was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.

Sean fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!"

Day 3

2008-03-03T09:05:00.007-05:00

I'm not sure where you might be reading this from, but here in O'Rlando it is a beautiful sunny day, perfect for skipping work and sneaking out to a golf course - and for those of you who have reached that point in life where you don't have to sneak, you are living the life of Riley....

Riley is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The English stranger was seated next to Riley on the plane when he thought he would have some fun with the Irish traveler. He turned to Riley and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Riley, who had just opened a magazine, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What now would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the smirking Englishman. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Riley. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"My," said the Englishman. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Riley, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want
to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to Riley and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
Riley said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
Riley said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night Riley and his wife are in bed when Riley hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
"What!" Riley yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face.
He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
"Just a guy wanting a push," Riley says.
"Why didn't you help him?" the Mrs. asks.
"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" Riley yells.
His wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy now, Riley gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"
The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!"
Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!"
"OVER HERE, ON YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.

Day 2

2008-03-02T10:42:00.003-05:00

For some reason or another, our local St. Patrick's Day parade occurs today. I guess they have finally decided to celebrate the Month, rather than the day.

If you can't make it to the parade, raise your glass in toast to those who have made the sacrifice to march and entertain the throngs.

An old man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didn’t have anyone to dig his garden for spring planting. So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, “For HEAVENS SAKE, don’t dig the garden up, that’s where I buried the guns!!!!!” At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours, but didn’t find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what he should do now? The son sent the reply: “NOW plant the potatoes!”

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At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

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In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.
"Next?"
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"Next?"
"One glass of brandy."
"Next?"
"A fight."

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A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

Happy St. Patrick's Month 2009

2008-02-29T22:22:00.014-05:00

It's Time!! The 2009 edition of the St. Patty's Month build up is happening. You will find some new, many old, some laughers, and some groaners, but hopefully all that depict the Irish Spirit.

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I do hope you will enjoy these next 17 days!!

Business Travel

2007-10-23T13:55:00.000-04:00

I'm on the road again, traveling from Orlando to Gulfport to Sacramento (via Houston) in support of the business of supporting business. Business travel is never what you expect or want. The first leg of the trip was fairly uneventful, even the pleasant surprise of being put into First Class for one of the flights. That was made up for by the 90 minute delay in getting out of Atlanta and into Mississippi. Not a big deal since all I planned to do upon arriving was get some sleep.

But getting out of Gulfport and into Sacramento, that was a challenge. In support of the business need, I booked a very early flight. This 6:15 flight (for which I got up at 4:30) was canceled. While knowledge of this would have been valuable at 4:29, it was not worth a hill of beans at 5:30.

Of course I was greeted with the standard affectionate pat-down by Gulfport TSA and the thorough dismantling of my bags. I guess I am fortunate that I was not rushing to make a 6:15 flight at the time. But that's life on the Watch List.

The resolution for my troubles was a 9:00 AM flight with a 4 hour layover in Houston. Four hours is a long layover.....it is painfully long in Houston. Especially when one considers that my accommodations in Gulfport were in a casino hotel. Not only did I enjoy some fine camaraderie with co-workers, I followed that up by sampling both the free drinks and casino atmosphere until an hour that was sure to make today just a bit drowsey.

As much as I would like to catch up on some sleep here in Houston, the constant announcements (in both English and Spanish) make it impossible to rest.

Well, I can always catch up on sleep on the plane......

The Tooth Fairy

2007-08-21T14:21:00.000-04:00

My 7 year old son is now in prime tooth fairy territory. He has lost 6 teeth this summer and is going gang-busters towards breaking the bank. But as the third son, I am always worried that he will end his belief in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy before his time. He has that sparkle in his eye that leads me to believe that he is mature beyond his years. So I am on my guard to protect his innocence.

Adam lost his 6th tooth on Monday of this week, the first day of school. He proudly brought it home from class ready to stow it for the tooth fairy to collect. But he appeared to have been the subject of some teasing at school, most likely the type of laughter that wiser children share when they have crossed-over to non-believer status. At bedtime last night, he would not say where he placed his tooth. After much prodding he merely shook his head in agreement when asked if it were placed under his pillow.

Later that night, the tooth fairy stealthily crept into his room. With two dollar bill in hand (I am the twooth fairy, afterall) I probed under the pillow.....nothing there. I carefully checked under his other pillow, still coming up empty. There, on the back wall, a foot out of reach was the tooth pillow (twooth pillow?) that Grandma made a few years back. Did I mention that Adam sleeps on the top bunk? His older brother prefers the quick escape that a lower berth offers so the little guy has cheerfully accepted the high ground.

Mrs. Tooth Fairy suggest getting a stool. The pillow was still out of reach. I secured a wire hanger (not an easy task as they all seem to be quickly returned to the dry-cleaner in favor of the plastic variety) and straightened it out in order to hook the small pillow. I finally had it, but to no avail, there was no tooth to be found.

It was coming up on 1AM at this point and I was ready to surrender the loot without finding the booty. But the Mrs. said no way, this was not allowed. The conspiracy theorist in me started to think, "Wait a minute, he didn't want to tell us where he put the tooth. He's testing to see if there really is a tooth fairy. I'll bet he hid it some place out of the ordinary." Back to the room I crept, with blue filtered flashlight in hand. Nothing on the dressers, nothing in the drawers....I looked down under toys and then I saw it! Under the dresser was a small plastic box. Upon opening it I found the treasure. Ah-Ha!! No 7 year old is going to outsmart me!!

I removed the tooth and folded up the bill until if fit in the box. I carefully replaced it where it was discovered and off to bed I went as proud as a middle-aged father of three could be.

In the morning the Mrs. asked Adam if the tooth fairy visited. He said that there was nothing under his pillow, no tooth, no money. He was a bit puzzled....Of course then it dawned on me that there was no conspiracy, he was still a firm believer - or at least not foolish enough to give up on something that guaranteed him a couple of bucks for each loose tooth.

We convinced him to look around, behind the bed, and on the floor, "Maybe you knocked it on the floor during the night," Said the Mrs., looking at me like only a wife can. "Or maybe the tooth fairy is a crazy conspiracy nut," I thought to myself.

After a bit of prodding, we steered him to look under the dresser. Sure enough, this was the first time his little hand had ventured under there. But he happily collected his prize, armed for another day at school with another wondrous tale.

So once again, I succeeded in outsmarting myself. When will I learn.....?

I wonder if I will be able to outsmart him when he is actually trying to outsmart me???