Okay, there are only 364 days until St. Patrick's Day!!! If you woke up counting, you didn't have a great night - or you're just obsessed with this sort of thing... :)
I do hope you had a grand St. Patrick's Day. And if your evening was extra special, please be sociable and remember to call her/him to keep the St. Patty's spirit alive!
March the 17th - Sleep the 18th!!!
Here is some bonus material for those loyal visitors who came back just to see if there was anything to feed the withdrawal symptoms that every Irishman goes through on the 18th.....
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all Winter."
"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"
It was a cool and foggy night and Murphy was manning the radar. He radioed a message to an oncoming vessel, “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.”
The reply from the vessel came quickly, “Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.”
Murphy replied: “Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”
The vessel replied, “This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”
Murphy repeated, “Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.”
The excited response was, “THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Murphy’s calm reply was, “We are a lighthouse. Your call.”
The Garda, a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.
"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.
"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"
"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.
"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.
"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing.
"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."
The Pope was having a state visit with the Queen of England, when they decided they should make an appearance together. They came out onto the balcony of Windsdor Castle, and stood there for the crowd to cheer and take pictures. The Queen decided to have a bit of fun at the Pope's expense, and said to him,
"Watch this. With one wave of my hand, I can make every Englishman cheer for five full minutes."
She does so, and the Englishmen predictably applaud madly.
Not to be outdone, the Pope says to the Queen, "Very impressive. Now, watch me. With a nod of my head, I can make every Irishman in the crowd cheer for TEN minutes straight."
The Queen figures the Pope's just made an impossible offer, so she agrees to give him his chance. He stands, faces the crowd and head-butts the Queen.
Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got.
Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.
Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.
"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."
Casey and Flanagan went mountain climbing in the Alps and got cut off
by an avalanche. They were sheltering on a ledge when they saw a St. Bernard coming, with a little keg of brandy hanging around his neck.
Flanagan said, "Look! Here comes man's best friend."
Casey said, "And look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"