September 8, 2014

The Trip

As we prepare to embark on our second journey to Ireland, Nancy and I know that many will be following along back home through the wonders of social media.  We will post pictures and updates when we come across a network but if we can't connect.....trust me, we're having a pint for you!!  It is another whirl-wind tour taking in Giant's Causeway, a boat trip to Nancy's Point, the Crab Festival in Galway, the Listowel Racing Festival, Fungie the Dingle Dolphin, the Ring of Kerry, the Rock of Cashel, Waterford, Wexford, Wicklow, and of course, Mooney's Pub in Monasterevan.  Some visits to Bushmill's Tullamore Dew, Guinness, and perhaps a few pubs along the way.  Here's our map if you want to follow along.....  Slainte!

June 19, 2014

Dating Observer

I am sitting at a bar in suburban Las Vegas, next to an potential couple who are going through the "Meet and Greet" process of online dating. I have been invited into the conversation on a couple of occassions now, which has been humorous to say the least. They are both particularly interested once they found out that I am not only participant in the technology, but a successful participant considering how Nancy and I are enjoying the heck out of life.

The interviewing process is hilarious to say the least. And since the age group is not that far from my own, and they keep turning to me every time one or the other goes to the bathroom with questions about how I think it's going.

I have to admit that I am having a difficult time not laughing at the entire situation, but more than ever it feeds my desire to create a sitcom about online dating...... or at least an hilarious book....

She is a slot machine salesperson.....he is a fireman....she is funny, cute, and divorced a year ago. He is handsome (not nearly as much as I), drops too many F bombs, and "seperated" - which elicited the requisite "WHAT?" from Sandy. Thought that was a deal breaker, but she is letting him recover....

Perhaps Vegas is the perfect location for the sitcom....

The new Love American Style..... :)

March 18, 2014

Post Mortem

I hope you enjoyed the countdown this year.  Believe it or not, I have a lot more that I didn't share (and believe it or not, you saw the best of them.....)

The Donegal definition of a hangover: "Something occupying a head that wasn't used the night before."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a historic note of great importance.  The English word "Whiskey" comes from the Gaelic "uisce beatha" (pronounced ish-kuh ba-ha) which means "water of life."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy, O'Brien, and Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.

Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man; he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'". 

O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community; he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place." 

Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Until next year......

March 17, 2014

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

The Irish are a people who are best known for their ability to laugh in the face of adversity. Generous to a fault, they are a people who are more willing to spend their last dollar on a drink for a friend than on their own rent. They are a people who value friendship above all else.

So enjoy all that St. Patrick's Day offers. Kiss an Irishman (or woman) and thank them for your friendship. Sing along with those old songs that get better with each pint of Guinness. Enjoy a taste of Irish whiskey in your coffee and entertain your friends with a story that brings a smile to their face. Hopefully one of these can help with that.....



“Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife nor children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young Roscommon boy and his father, Paddy, were visiting Liffey Valley Shopping Centre for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What's that Da?"

Paddy (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. 

The father quickly turned to his young son and excitedly said "Go get your Ma"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two Gardai, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether they can see a picture of the wife. Paddy replies "of course" and runs back to get their wedding picture.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

Paddy replies "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man escaped from a mental institution in Ballinasloe. He ran until he got to Mullingar, at which point he located a public phone and rang the hospital back in Ballinasloe.

“Hello?” says the receptionist.

“Eh, Hello,” says your man, “Can you tell me is there someone in room number 68?”

“One moment,” says the receptionist, setting down the phone. The man waited anxiously until he heard her returning to the phone. “No sir, I’m sorry – there’s nobody in room 68.”

“HOOORAY!!” he shrieked in delight, “I’VE ESCAPED!!!!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a heavy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the road, a young mother watched her 2 little boys playing in the puddles thru her kitchen window. The older of the 2, five year old Paddy, grabbed his sibling Joe, by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the potholes filled with rain water. As the boy recovered & stood laughing & dripping, the mother ran towards them in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to ur little brother?" she said, as she shook Paddy's shoulder in anger.

"Aye we were just playing church mammy," he said."And I was jus baptizin him, In the name of the father, the son, and in the hole he goes."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years.....They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"

Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea!" 

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy walked into the parlor and shouted to the people at the wake, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?" 

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Upon seeing his son's black eye Murphy asked him, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?" 

His son shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in." 

"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?" 

"Na, na, Father. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and Father O'Malley nearly fell down when he saw the man. Murphy'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya finally decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with ya Father. Awhile back, I misplaced me hat, and I really, really love that hat. I knew that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

Father O said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head from side to side, "No, Father. It was after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

March 16, 2014

St. Patrick's Day Eve

God then made man. The Italians for their beauty. The French for their cuisine. The Welsh for their voices. The Germans for their cars. And on and on until He looked at what He had created and said, "This is all very well, but no-one is having fun. I'll have to make an Irishman."

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded Galway waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Really, I’m O’Connor too.  Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county.  I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks out of a house in Belfast.  Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"

The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."

At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before performing a christening in Ireland, Father Reilly approached Seamus and said to him solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are ye prepared for it?”
“I think I am father,” Seamus replied. “My wife has made a big buffet spread and Mrs O’Sullivan has baked biscuits and cakes for all of our guests.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Father Reilly responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”

“To be sure I am,” Seamus replied. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”



March 15, 2014

Day 15

It is a wonderful sunny Saturday here in Central Florida.  A day made for baseball......

Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.
 
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
  
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
  
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" 

This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.  After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.
  
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two friends Sean and Paddy were two of the biggest football fans in Ireland. 
Their entire adult lives, Sean and Paddy discussed football history, and they pored over all the statistics. They went to all of the matches. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was football in heaven.
 
One summer night, Sean passed away in his sleep after watching a Manchester United victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Paddy awoke to the sound of Sean's voice from beyond. 
"Sean, is that you?" Paddy asked. 
"Of course it's me," Sean replied. 
"This is unbelievable!" Paddy exclaimed. "So tell me, is there football in heaven?" 
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" 
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there's football in heaven, Paddy." 
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" 

"You're playing tomorrow night!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile to his lips.

"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly. "Give me just a small bit of that stuff you're cookin."

"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly.  "I'm savin' it for the wake!"
 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

March 14, 2014

Day 14 - Happy St. Pat's Weekend

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s & had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, & in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea & scones, they began to chat. 

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water & its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him & he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago & I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet & that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No." 

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No." 

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No." 

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" 

Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go bring in a veterinary specialist from the next county. 

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye :"My wife is from Scotland."

March 13, 2014

Day 13

Here are a few stories experiencing the Irish weather......


O'Malley's daughter was on her way home from work one night by bus and it was raining heavily.  When she reached her stop, she jumped off the bus and began to run to her house a couple of streets away.  She heard footsteps behind her and, looking around, she saw a man following her.  She reached home, hammered on the door and her mother let her in.

She said, "Oh, mother, a man ran after me."

Her mother said, "I know." as the man came in the gate.  "It was your father, he went to meet you with your raincoat and umbrella."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day.  The wind was so loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
“It’s windy,” said one.
“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.
“So am I,” said the third.  “Let’s go and have a drink.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. 
Father Murphy said, “Thank you, but I’m not sure I got it honestly.  It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped.  Then, I say a young fellow coming along with a nice, large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I’d ask him to share it with me. 

I stepped out from the doorway and said, ‘Where are you going with that umbrella?’  And he dropped the darned thing and ran off.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One typically rainy Irish night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy, water dripping down his face who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
 
"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
 
"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says. "Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks. 

"Because it's 3:30 in the morning and raining like the dickens" the husband yells. 

The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him." 

Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!" 

The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" 

Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!" 

"OVER HERE, BY YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.

March 12, 2014

Day 12

Dr. Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses.

When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing its psychosomatic form of deafness.  Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.

"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion.

"You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"

"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest. 

Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."

"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."

"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,  "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

March 11, 2014

Day 11


Paddy is stopped by the police around 2 AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

He replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying up late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be me wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"  

Wife: "Yes or no."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. 

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just foine!!"

Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother Liam came over from Cork and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not Liam... he's an idiot!" 
She nervously asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

March 10, 2014

Day 10

Next Monday, if you have not been paying attention, is March 17th, or as a friend of mine refers to it as, the High Holy Day of Irish Americans so make sure you are prepared.  Don't let the holiday rush ruin your shopping....the liquor stores are only going to get more crowded.... 

Today's jokes might be new to some of you....but I doubt it :)

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.  Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. 
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"  
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.  Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." 
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."

Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement.  Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"

"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."  

March 9, 2014

Day 9

I'm sure that you realize that the grand day is only a week away.  And don't be all that surprised if the celebrating begins a day or two early.....

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" 

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" 

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Jameson's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. 

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

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Murphy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whiskey please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself." 
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks. 
Moments later Murphy shouts, "Another whiskey for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?" 

Murphy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." 

With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though Murphy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whiskey for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marveling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs Murphy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

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An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. 

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" 

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. 

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. 

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time." 

March 8, 2014

Day 8

"Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but then neither does milk"
Irish saying

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Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

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"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
- Irish Footballer George Best 

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O'Toole volunteered to take care of their 10 children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. At 10:00 the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. Murphy. She asked if her son was there.

O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

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"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."
- Sigmund Freud (speaking about the Irish)

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O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.  As he struggles to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."

March 7, 2014

Day 7

It's Friday!!  And I need a drink.....

Irish whiskey was first developed for its medicinal benefits. It's just lucky for the rest of us that the Irish are such a sickly bunch.

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four pints of stout," was the reply.
"Next?"
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"Next?"
"One glass of brandy."
"Next?"
"A fight."

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"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"

"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"

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McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.  "Inebriated again!" declared the priest.  "Shame on you!  When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen.  "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it!  Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.  How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't," slurred McCuen.  "The Bishop has it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy texts his wife...

"Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.
If I’m not home in 20 minutes, read this message again.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy Murphy approached Mulligan's Bar when he was suddenly accosted outside by Sister Marie. "Surely a fine man as yerself, Paddy, is not going in to this den of iniquity?!" the good sister asked, more as an order than a question. "Surely you wouldn't waste yer hard-earned paycheck on the devil's brew when you could be buying food and clothing fer yer family!"

"Now hold on there, sister!" sputtered Murphy. "Surely you won't be condemnin' whiskey without ever tasting some yerself, would ya?"

"Very well then" said Sister Marie, "Just to prove my point, I'll try some. Obviously I can't go into the pub, but you go in and bring it out to me. Just have them place it in a cup rather than a glass, so as to not create a scandal out here."

"Okay sister" said Murphy as he happily breezed on in to Mulligan's.

"I'll have a large whiskey" ordered Murphy to the barman, "and place it in a cup, not a glass!"

The barman shook his head and replied "Don't tell me that nun's outside again"



March 6, 2014

Day 6

No frivolities today.....onto the jokes!!

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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Paddy drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

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An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

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The priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass.
"Good mornin', Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church."
"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.
"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great basilica at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."

Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?
"Deed I did, Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.
"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you.
"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Sean. Is he here?"
"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."

March 5, 2014

Day 5

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of the holy season of Lent.  One of the reasons that I grew up with such an appreciation for St. Patrick's Day was from going to a Catholic School where the good nuns would ease our Lenten fasting from cookies and treats for the feast of St. Patrick.  What better way to even get the Italian kids in the class claiming it was their holiday too as St. Patrick was from Italy (He wasn't, but he wasn't Irish either). So while we don't typically celebrate on the first day of Lent, there is no sin in laughing.

Dugan, in a decidedly tipsy state, boarded a bus and sat down in front of a priest reading the evening paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven," bawled Dugan.  "I ain't -hic- goin' to heaven!"
The priest continued to read his paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven 'cause there ain't no heaven!!"
"Well, go to hell then," said the priest.  "But be quiet about it!"


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The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor.  However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward.  When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man.
The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back.  He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.
"Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong."
"Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

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An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

March 4, 2014

Day 4

Last Fall I had the extreme good fortune to take a trip to Ireland.  I was blessed not only by the good company, but by the unusually warm and dry weather - by Ireland's standards.  The most wonderful part of the trip was experiencing first hand the Irish people.  We met courtesy, sarcasm, and wit at every pub and attraction.  It could be summarized by the use of the term, "Brilliant."  By simple inflection, tone, and context, this word can be used as a wonderful compliment or as the most sarcastic and good-natured jab that can be shared.  I will admit that while my travel companion received mostly the complimentary use of the word, I, on the other hand, experienced in great quantities, that latter.  So when you hear the Irish use the adjective, pay close attention to make sure you have not just experienced a taste of Blarney.......

Slainte!!

Curran said to Father O'Leary, a priest with the typical Irish wit, "I wish you were St. Peter." 
"Why?" asked O'Leary. 
"Because," said Curran, "you would have the keys of heaven, and could let me in." 
"It would be better for you," said O'Leary, "that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you out."

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"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
Spike Milligan


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge, 
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

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"My way of joking is to tell the truth. it's the funniest joke in the world."
George Bernard Shaw.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A reporter was interviewing Mrs. Reilly on the occasion of her 104th birthday, "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" 
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

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When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.
Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"
No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions.  Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly, 
"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"



March 3, 2014

Day 3

'Tis Monday..... A day that many people, believe it or not, look forward to.  And I believe that they look forward to it this week only because it begins the daily dose of Irish humor within my working World. Unless they are so dedicated that they came to the blog site without prompting, they may not even know that this is the third day or Irish....


A woman from Co. Kerry hired three men to move her furniture. When she saw two of them struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the third fellow was. “Oh, he’s in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling!”

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For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

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The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha!  I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus.
So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"

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The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
            She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
            She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
            The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
            "I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

March 2, 2014

Day 2

It is a beautiful day here in Central Florida, perfect for watching the annual St. Patrick's Day parade stagger down Park Avenue in Winter Park.  The parade begins at 2:00 and the post-parade celebrating begins at about 2:10.......

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Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! 

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

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Murphy had a hardware shop. Paddy went into the shop and asked, “I want to buy a shovel - how much are they?”
Murphy replied, “20.”
Then Paddy said, “20? At O’Reilly’s down the road, they’re only 10.”
So Murphy said, “Well, why didn’t you buy one down there, then?”
Paddy says, “They haven’t got any.”
Murphy replies, “Well, when we haven’t got any, we only charge 10.”
So Paddy says, “Fair enough, I’ll come back next week when you haven’t got any!”

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An American walks into O'Connor's Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.
"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks, "If you don't mind my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"
To which Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

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See you at the parade!!