March 4, 2011

On the Fifth Day of St. Paddy's.......

A few for those of you dedicated enough to come searching on a Saturday.....

Police in the Republic of Ireland, the Garda, have been chasing a mysterious and impossible to find Polish driver who has apparently committed more than 50 motoring offences. Officers had been puzzled how the mysterious "Prawo Jazdy" had always produced his documents, but each time with a different address. They have now discovered the embarrassing truth after checking with the Polish embassy….. "Prawo Jazdy" is Polish for "driving license" and is printed on all Polish licenses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy and Sean were drunk after the annual college dinner and wanted to leave the hotel.
"Look, son. Howdjwegetout?"
The porter pointed along the passage.
"Turn to the right at the next passage and go down two steps and you'll be in the main hall."
They staggered on together, turned right and fell down the elevator shaft to the basement. As they sorted themselves out, Paddy rolled over and said, "Look, Sean. If that fella thinks I'm going down the other step, he's crazy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Malley's daughter was on her way home from work one night by bus and it was raining heavily. When she reached her stop, she jumped off the bus and began to run to her house a couple of streets away. She heard footsteps behind her and, looking around, she saw a man following her. She reached home, hammered on the door and her mother let her in.
She said, "Oh, mother, a man ran after me."
Her mother said, "I know." as the man came in the gate. "It was your father, he went to meet you with your raincoat and umbrella."


Day 4


As we head into the weekend, here are some quotes by the Irish or about the Irish. And don't forget, the Central Florida St. Patrick's Parade is Sunday in Winter Park!


"This day is a happy one for America. In some places Americans get a little too happy."
- President George Bush, greeting Bertie Ahern at the White House on St. Patrick's Day 2004


"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
- Irish Soccer superstar George Best


"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift


"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
- Brendan Behan


"Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf."
- Irish saying


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Jameson's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says Murphy.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

Murphy then goes outside and tells Seamus that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. Seamus rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon Seamus goes into the street, sees Paddy, and tells him how to get free drinks.
Paddy hurries into the bar and begins to drink shot after shot of fine Irish Whiskey. Suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a
funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," Paddy responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."


March 3, 2011

On the Third Day of St. Patty's......

Day 3....

The trick to Irish humor is not the stupid guy joke but more the innocent play on words or emphasis that twists a seemingly harmless phrase into that "Gotchya" that leaves even the object of the barb with a smile on their face. Enjoy some of these classical Irish wit bits.

In a literature class in Dublin some years back, students were given an assignment to write a short story involving all the important literary ingredients — Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. The winner was: "My God!’ cried the Duchess. ‘I’m pregnant. Who did it?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Trinity Law School, the professor asked a student if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I believe, sir, this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poor Paddy was found dead,lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn. Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard.

Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!

They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”

They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor lad actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was. They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

March 2, 2011

Day Two

"So why St. Patrick's Day?" I've been asked many times. It is a stress free occasion as there are no expectations of gift exchanges, large family gatherings, planned dinners, or travel to see long lost relatives. It is a simple day celebrating a simple people who would much rather sing, tell a tall tale, or drink a few pints than start a fight......

Seamus walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have.
Seamus replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order Seamus says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Finally the bartender asks Seamus what trouble he's talking about.
Seamus says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you".
The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night".
Seamus says "Ohh, now the trouble starts"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.
Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.
He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

March 1, 2011

The Time is Here!

'Tis the 1st of March, the beginning of the greening! With a scant 17 days to celebrate, and only 1 to rest I will try to keep a smile on your face, and anticipation of St. Patrick's Day in your mind.


I will do my best to keep these jokes friendly and only pick on the Irish.... Oh, I may take a jab at the English here and there, but they will hardly notice.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor,
'Well, what's the girl's name?
'Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
'Denephew.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."