March 19, 2008

Hot and Cold

It was quite a site. Warming and chilling at the same time......

It happened in downtown Orlando. As an over 50 married man, I rarely if ever see the night life of downtown. This occasion was only a return from a basketball game with the kids having parked away from the arena to save a few bucks.

As we made our way towards the car, up ahead I saw something that instantly awakened my libido. There, in the shadows of Pine Street were approaching some very long, shapely legs. These were not run of the mill ordinary limbs. These went on and on and on for what seemed like an eternity. And at the top of these legs were some very attractive torsos, topped by pretty young heads with meticulously arranged coiffures. I would guess that they were in their early 20s.

I don't know if they were very tall for their age, but that is the impression one gets when seeing legs go on that way. But before you get the feeling that I am obsessed with legs, let me mention what struck me as odd and perplexed me in the way that screams that I am now a parent.

Orlando in March can be a beautiful time of the year. In many cases, Spring has reached us and the weather is suitable for visits to the beach. This night was not one of those instances and the temperature was around 40. Now these pretty young girls must have had plans for quite some time to insist on wearing these particular outfits on this particular night because as hot as they looked, they were freezing their...legs off.

Their attire was, to say the least, flimsy. These dresses were the shortest I had ever seen outside of a strip club. (Not that I've been to one of those in eons either, but there are some memories that have not been blurred....) They were so short that as my 7 year old passed them I couldn't help but notice that his head was entirely below the hemline. My first thought was that they borrowed something from a little sister, but since all three of them shared the same style, I dismissed that thought as downright stupid. My next thought was, "How will they sit down?" but I determined that if their evening was successful, sitting was not something that was going to occur.

Of course there were no jackets, that would have ruined the effect. One can only hope that the warmth their vision brings to the male observer will reflect back in their direction as they wait in line outside of whatever nightclub they have targeted.

And my final thoughts, at least those that I am willing to share, was that I am ever so happy to have three boys. And I'm even happier for them that the miniskirt will never go away.....

March 18, 2008

Day 364

Okay, there are only 364 days until St. Patrick's Day!!! If you woke up counting, you didn't have a great night - or you're just obsessed with this sort of thing... :)

I do hope you had a grand St. Patrick's Day. And if your evening was extra special, please be sociable and remember to call her/him to keep the St. Patty's spirit alive!

March the 17th - Sleep the 18th!!!

Here is some bonus material for those loyal visitors who came back just to see if there was anything to feed the withdrawal symptoms that every Irishman goes through on the 18th.....

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all Winter."


"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"


It was a cool and foggy night and Murphy was manning the radar. He radioed a message to an oncoming vessel, “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.”

The reply from the vessel came quickly, “Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.”

Murphy replied: “Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

The vessel replied, “This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”

Murphy repeated, “Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.”


Murphy’s calm reply was, “We are a lighthouse. Your call.”


The Garda, a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.

"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.

"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"

"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.

"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.

"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing.
"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."


The Pope was having a state visit with the Queen of England, when they decided they should make an appearance together. They came out onto the balcony of Windsdor Castle, and stood there for the crowd to cheer and take pictures. The Queen decided to have a bit of fun at the Pope's expense, and said to him,
"Watch this. With one wave of my hand, I can make every Englishman cheer for five full minutes."
She does so, and the Englishmen predictably applaud madly.
Not to be outdone, the Pope says to the Queen, "Very impressive. Now, watch me. With a nod of my head, I can make every Irishman in the crowd cheer for TEN minutes straight."
The Queen figures the Pope's just made an impossible offer, so she agrees to give him his chance. He stands, faces the crowd and head-butts the Queen.


Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got.
Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.
Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.
"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."


Casey and Flanagan went mountain climbing in the Alps and got cut off
by an avalanche. They were sheltering on a ledge when they saw a St. Bernard coming, with a little keg of brandy hanging around his neck.
Flanagan said, "Look! Here comes man's best friend."
Casey said, "And look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

March 17, 2008

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Finally, the day has arrived. I hope that you observed the weekend properly and enjoyed some singing and laughter with friends and family. If you did, you have observed the most important part of Irish culture.

If you've been keeping up through these past 17 days, hopefully you've found at least one of these jokes that is worth retelling. And if you've been reading through them and haven't been able to conjure up a smile, than this first one is for you:

“Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife or children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”


Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in down town Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."


A man gets a job in a natural history museum. His job is to stand next to this old dinosaur skeleton and talk about it.
Some students came in one day and asked him, “How old is that skeleton?”
The man replied, “65 million years and 7 months.”
The students exclaim, “Wow! How can you pinpoint the exact date and time?”
The man replies, “Well, when I came to work here, it was 65 million years old, and I’ve been here 7 months, now!”


A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”
The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the train is always running late, anyway.”
The man then said, “It certainly will be today - I’m the driver!”


Old Thomas O'Doherty was increasingly afflicted with terrible headaches as he aged. Eventually his love life began to suffer because of the headaches, so he decided to seek medical advice.
However, he went from one specialist to another without finding a cure. One day he went to see Dr. Flynn, who finally was able to solve Thomas’ headache affliction.
Said Dr. Flynn, "I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches, but the bad news is that the cure will require the surgical removal of your testicles.”
“I am afraid that you have an unusually rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The resulting pressure is creating one enormous headache, and the only way to ease the pressure is to take out your testicles.”
Poor Thomas took the news with both shock and despair. “Do I have anything left to live for?” He wondered.
But Thomas felt so anguished, he could not even formulate an answer to his own question. However, he finally decided that he had no choice. The testicles must go.
After the surgery as Thomas left the hospital, he rejoiced that his headaches were now gone. However, he felt depressed because an important part of himself was also gone.
While walking down the street, he realized that his life might now be greatly improved. He could now make a new beginning for himself and live a pain free life.
As he strode past a men's clothing store, Thomas thought, “A new suit would be a fitting celebration.”
After entering the shop Thomas told the salesman, “I have decided to treat myself to a new suit.”
After eyeing Thomas from head to toe, the salesman said, “You look like a size 44 long.”
Thomas was amazed and laughed, “however did you know?”
“It's my job,” replied the salesman.
Upon trying on a 44 long, Thomas found that it fit perfectly. As Thomas admired himself in the mirror, the salesman inquired, “Perhaps you would like a new shirt to compliment your new suit?"
Thomas responded, “Why not?”
Once again the salesman eyed Thomas’ neck and arms, saying, “Looks to me like a 16 and one half neck and a 35 sleeve.”
“That is amazing,” said Thomas. “But however did you know?”
“It's my job,” said the salesman.
As Thomas tried on the shirt, of course it fit perfectly. Then the salesman asked, “I believe that we have the perfect new shoes to go with your new suit!”
Thomas replied, “Let’s go for it!”
Once again the salesman’s magic eye perused Thomas’ feet, and he said, “I believe 9-1/2 E.”
Thomas was astonished, “Right again! However did you know?”
“It's my job,” responded the salesman.
Naturally, the shoes fit perfectly. As Thomas admired his new look in the mirror, the salesman said, “Underwear!”
Immediately Thomas replied, “Alright.”
As he eyed Thomas again the salesman said, “Size 36 waist.”
This time Thomas laughed, “It looks like I’ve got you this time. I have worn size 34 since I was only 18 years old.”
But the salesman shook his head saying, “Sir, you cannot wear a size 34. That would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one enormous headache.


Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!


O’Brien, a retired electrical engineer, was attending the homecoming football game at his old alma mater, Notre Dame, one crisp fall afternoon. He had been talking football to a college freshman sitting next to him when the conversation turned to electronics and how quickly the world was now changing. The freshman said that it would be impossible for O’Brien’s generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the freshman said loud enough for the everyone nearby to hear.
"Today we have television, jet planes, and space travel,” the freshman continued. “Man has walked on the Moon, and our spaceships have visited Mars.”
“We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and…"
Suddenly O‘Brien interrupted the young student and also spoke loud enough to be heard by those nearby, "You're right. We didn't have those things when I was young; so we invented them. What the hell are you doing for the next generation?"

March 16, 2008

Day 16 - St. Patty's Eve

Humor is a large part of the Irish culture, and not just in the stories and jokes that are shared at the pub, here is some evidence of humor in everyday life in Ireland:

Sign on a Limerick shop: Out for lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.

Signs on Irish farm gates:
Horse Manure: 50p per pre-packed bag. 20p -do it your self.

The farmer allows walkers across the field for free, but the bull charges.

Notice on a Cork building site:
The shovels haven't arrived, and until they do, you'll have to lean on each other.

A particular favorite for theft is the road sign to one Co. Kerry village that reads: "Inch, 1 mile."

A Belfast newspaper reported on the launching of an aircraft carrier and recorded:
The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea.

A newspaper in Ireland published the headline:
Half the council are crooks, but was asked to retract it. The following week it ran the heading: Half the council are NOT crooks.

Ireland, reknown for storytelling, has produced many authors and politicians. Here are some quotes that demonstrate their wit, or lack thereof:

It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. - Brendan Behan

"Burn everything British, except their coal." - Jonathan Swift

Little Boy: Mr. President, how did you become a war hero?
President Kennedy: It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. - Oscar Wilde

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it. - George Bernard Shaw

No man is an Ireland. - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. - P. J. O'Rourke

It was a bold man who first swallowed an oyster. - Jonathan Swift

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.


Lord John Dillon didn't smoke and couldn't stand any of the people who did. One morning as he was seated in the train carriage, an elderly Irishman sat opposite him and lit up his pipe.
Immediately Dillon said, "Look, my good man, this is a nonsmoking carriage and I wish that you would put that pipe away. Here is my card so that you know the important source from which this comes."
The elderly man looked at the card and put it in his pocket. However, he kept on smoking. This infuriated Dillon no end; hence, when the train stopped at a junction, Dillon got out from the carriage and began to look for a guard. When Dillon found the guard, he complained loudly and demanded that he oust the old man. The train guard went into the carriage and informed the old man that he must stop smoking. With that, the old man reached in his pocket and handed the guard Dillon's card.
"Oh, okay, your Lordship," and the guard tipped his hat and went on. When he came back to the platform, he said, "I'd like to stop him, but I don't dare. That's that old crazy politician Dillon with the blabber mouth. If I crossed him, it might cost me my job. You know what a revengeful ass he is."


The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.
Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"


Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."