Day 11

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket as he weaved his way through the house that he woke up the wife."By all the saints, what are you doing down there?"she shouted from the bedroom.
"Get yourself up here and don't be waking the neighbours."
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted back.
"Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down.
"I can't" says he, "I've drank it!"

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A Jesuit priest decided to visit a small island off the coast of Connemara. The inhabitants numbered no more than a couple of dozen, but the priest threw himself into the Lord's work with a vengeance. Having taken over the bar of the pub for Mass, and having delivered a fire and brimstone sermon, he questioned his small congregation. "How long is it since any of you had your confessions heard?" he asked.
"Well, Father,' answered Brendan, the oldest inhabitant. "It must be three years since the last priest was here."
"Why didn't you make a trip to the mainland?" thundered the priest.
"Well, Father,' said Brendan, "the water between us and the mainland is very rough, and our boat is old and leaky. So you see. if we've only venial sins to confess, it's not worth the bother, and if we've mortal sins, it's not worth the risk!"

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A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The choir director stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, for our closing selection,let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

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Murphy, O'Brien & Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says,
"I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says,
"That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

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A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.  After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said.  "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy.  "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

Day 10

Casey was home from overseas with his wife and small daughter. They were going through the customs at the airport and the little girl watched the customs officer as he went through their luggage.
Suddenly she said to the customs man, "Keep going, you're getting warmer!"

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One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
  "Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.
  "Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.
  "Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.
The wife, slightly angry now, says,
  "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of
the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out,
  "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"
  The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again,
  "WHERE?!"
  "Over here, on your swing set!" the drunk yells back.

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The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."
  The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."
  Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."
  "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said,
  "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

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A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the cupboard to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"That's a great idea!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get up and get your own blanket."

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Young Ryan was staying with his Grandmother, and she was having great difficulty getting him to wash his face every morning.
The Granny said, "When I was your age I used to wash my face three times a day."
Young Ryan said, "Yes, and look at it now."

Day 9

An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave.. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole.. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep..
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site.. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up..

"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..

He got out...

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Donal Callaghan, a Limerick University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. Donal, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on

The car started moving slowly. Donal looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. Donal, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter Donal saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like Donal, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing Donal Callaghan sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

'Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

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Poor Paddy was found dead, lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn.

Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard. Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.

Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!

They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”

They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor lad actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was.

They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."

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An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

Day 8

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded Galway waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

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Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. Before the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said,

"What a beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

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Paddy Murphy approached Mulligan's Bar when he was suddenly accosted outside by Sister Marie.
"Surely a fine man as yerself, Paddy, is not going in to this den of iniquity?!" the good sister asked, more as an order than a question. "Surely you wouldn't waste yer hard-earned paycheck on the devil's brew when you could be buying food and clothing fer yer family!"
"Now hold on there, sister!" sputtered Murphy. "Surely you won't be condemnin' whiskey without ever tasting some yerself, would ya?"
"Very well then" said Sister Marie, "Just to prove my point, I'll try some. Obviously I can't go into the pub, but you go in and bring it out to me. Just have them place it in a cup rather than a glass, so as to not create a scandal out here."
"Okay sister" said Murphy as he happily breezed on in to Mulligan's.
"I'll have a large whiskey" ordered Murphy to the barman, "and place it in a cup, not a glass!"
The barman shook his head and replied "Don't tell me that nun's outside again"

Day 7

In a Donegal trial, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. O’Reilly, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Sean. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. O’Reilly, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known James since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire county, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, you’ll both be found in contempt and serve 10 years."

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Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

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Upon seeing his son's black eye Murphy asked him, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?"
His son shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in."
"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?"
"Na, na, Father. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."

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An old Irishman was asked,
"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"
The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!
Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

Day 6

Mrs. O'Leary went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new physicians. After about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out the door and ran screaming down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. O'Leary is 72 years old, she has seven grown children and ten grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

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The store manager, O'Reilly, heard Maryann his assistant tell a customer, "No mam, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."

O'Reilly was horrified and ran over to the customer and said, "Of course we'll have some soon. We placed an order last week."

Then he took the assistant aside and said, "Never, never, say we're out of anything - say we've got it on order and it's coming. Now what was it she wanted?"
"Rain," said the assistant.

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Idly, the American tourist watched the Cork man dig and turn over the soil. Eventually he called out: "Hey, buddy, what's that you're doing?"

"I'm digging potatoes, sir."
"Potatoes? You call those puny things potatoes? Back home in Idaho we have potatoes ten times that size!"
"Indeed sir, and that's as it needs be; a good potato should be of a size to fit the mouth."

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For 50 years, Paddy left the box alone, until his wife Moira was old and dying. One day, when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and 82,500 pounds in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got angry with you."

Paddy was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been vexed with him twice."What's the money for?" he asked.

"Oh, well that's what I've made selling the Doilies."

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The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish. "Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden. "What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus. "You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such an outlandish tale?"

"I can prove it." say Seamus. So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes - no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

"Ha, ya lying rogue!" shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"