March 9, 2012

Day 10

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

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Murphy stumbles into the front door of the pub and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."

A few minutes later Murphy comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink."

The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"

Five minutes later Murphy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk."

Murphy scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

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A new pub opened-up in Ireland and it had mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night.

Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub – too inebriated to recognize the mirrors. He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”

Flanagan said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”
Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”
Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”

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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.’

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned.'

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Day 9

Okay, this weekend is the final rehearsal. Go scope out the Irish bars now before they are too crowded to get a parking spot. Make sure that you establish a relationship with the bartender (that means tip big) so that they will recognize you next Saturday when it’s a bit more crowded. And practice up on those Irish standards, “When Irish Eyes are Smiling,” “Danny Boy,” “The Girl with the Black Velvet Band,” “McNamara’s Band,” “My Wild Irish Rose,” and of course, “It’s a Great Day for the Irish.” And if you happen to remember more than the chorus, they’ll think you just stepped off the boat….

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."

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In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

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Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

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A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

March 8, 2012

Day 8

For those of you in Central Florida today we have another opportunity for the Wearing O’ the Green. Downtown Sanford’s “Alive After 5” will be having their annual Celebrate the Irish evening. Live music and beer on the streets! There’s other crap too at these things but I haven’t really noticed what else there was……

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,

"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."

The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"

Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

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Police in the Republic of Ireland, the Garda, have been chasing a mysterious and impossible to find Polish driver who has apparently committed more than 50 motoring offences.

Officers had been puzzled how the mysterious "Prawo Jazdy" had always produced his documents, but each time with a different address.

They have now discovered the embarrassing truth after checking with the Polish embassy….. "Prawo Jazdy" is Polish for "driving license" and is printed on all Polish licenses.

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An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."

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Paddy, a pick pocket, was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Murphy you are hereby fined $100."

His lawyer was his brother Sean who stood up and said "Thanks, yer honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

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Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.

“It’s windy,” said one.

“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.

“So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and have a drink.”

March 7, 2012

Day 7

An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

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O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

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O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,

'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

March 6, 2012

Day 6

The ritual of the Irish wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"
Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea, but we’ll need to fetch some chairs. "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me."

Murphy goes into the parlor and says to the people at the wake, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

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Father Lynch concludes Sunday Mass by telling the congregation, "Next Sunday I am going to speak on the subject of lying. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the good Father says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.

Father Lynch continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

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Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.

He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

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Casey was home from overseas with his wife and small daughter. They were going through the customs at the airport and the little girl watched the customs officer as he went through their luggage.

Suddenly she said to the customs man, "Keep going, you're getting warmer!"


March 5, 2012

Day 5

Monday after the parade is usually a day for recovery. In those towns who celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with civic pride on the day have the motto, “March the 17th, sleep the 18th.” And while the parade seemed a bit shorter than in years past, the kids came home with smiles and enough candy to undo all the good volunteering they did on Saturday for the Juvenile Diabetes fund…..

Dr. Haggerty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him,
"This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Haggerty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "Just for a little hearing??"

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Murphy was out shopping with his wife and had been at it for most of the afternoon.

Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her husband's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you"???

Her husband responds by saying: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw that diamond necklace which you totally fell in love with, and remember how I told you I didn't have much money at the time but said, 'Lass, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile in her voice, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to that place."

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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

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Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

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March 4, 2012

Day 4

Off to the Parade!!

Yes, it is Central Florida’s time to begin the celebration as the annual parade down Park Avenue happens this afternoon. Hope these get you in the mood…..

How did the custom of parading on St Patrick's Day emerge? It seems that battalions of Irish regiments in North America were the first to march on St Patrick's Day. This was, of course, a typical way for military servicemen to perform. But civilian forms of parading also gradually evolved on the 17th of March — particularly as the population of Irish immigrants grew rapidly in the post-Famine years. Various Irish fraternal groups, such as the Hibernians, as well as Catholic parishes and schools, either marched as a group or put together horse-drawn floats.

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A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

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More about parading: which are the shortest and the longest parade roots? The longest parade in the world takes place in New York, with a route that stretches over four miles, while the shortest in Dripsey, County Cork, Ireland, which is a mere twenty yards long — simply a parade between two pubs.

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At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

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Toward the end of the Sunday Mass, the priest asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Priest then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named James O'Brien, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr.O'Brien, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. O'Brien, that is very unusual l. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. O'Brien, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old Irishman tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."