Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, one and all. I hope you have enjoyed a smile, a grin, or maybe even a laugh out loud during these 17 days. Many of these jokes are old classics and a few are new, but hopefully they all do what the Irish try to do, bring a little joy at our expense.

Enjoy the day and all the festivities. I’ll be sharing a few pints with some friends at Liam’s in Lake Mary and if you have an inkling, please come out and join me.

Slainte

Officer O’Brien came across a crowd of people looking up at a man standing on a ledge.
“Don’t jump!” implored O’Brien. “Think of yer children.”
“I don’t have any children,” replied the man.
“Then think of yer wife.”
“I’m not married,” was the reply.
“Think of yer parents then lad.”
“I haven’t any parents.”
“Why then think of St. Patrick!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump ya bastard!!”

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It was Christmas and the mood was festive. All the world put on a happy face and joy was the norm. Well, at least for most people. Not, unfortunately, for Brendan Quinn, a man of heavy heart, and no wonder. In the scramble to enjoy every minute of holiday, he'd hit the pub at 100 mph and before knowing it, had bought the world and his wife a drink. Suddenly he realised that, Noel or not, he was skint. What made it worse was that he'd not bought the turkey and ham for the Christmas dinner. What to do? How to explain it all to darling Betty? Think quick, Quinn, think quick or die.

As if the almighty were guiding his steps, Brendan found himself outside Daley's butcher's shop and there was Daley's dog. Bing! An idea formed in Brendan's brain and quick as you like he snatched up the dog and raced off to his garden shed. Grabbing his bicycle pump, he shoved the lead into the dog's mouth, gripped its jaws tight and began pumping air. Gradually little by little the dog began to swell. When it was about half as big again as normal he carried it back to Daley the butcher.

'Is this your dog?' he demanded.

'It is,' said Daley. 'But it looks bigger.'

'It certainly is bigger,' snorted Quinn. 'Because it's eaten our Christmas turkey and ham!'

'Many apologies,' spluttered Daley. 'Please let me make it up to you. Help yourself to turkey, ham, sausages and whatever else you want.'

Off skipped Quinn a man literally over the moon with satisfaction, to thoroughly enjoy the festive season.

It was New Year's Eve when he saw Daley again. As he passed the butcher's he noticed the front window smashed and Daley boarding it up.

'What happened?' asked Quinn. 'Burglars? Vandals?'

'No,' answered Daley. 'The strangest thing. I had just repaired a puncture on my bicycle and I got the pump to inflate the tire. The dog took one look at the pump and dived straight through the window!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'

Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

'Will he live?' inquired the boys.

Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'

'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.

'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.

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'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in this sack can have both of them,' said Murphy.

'Three,' said Ranagan.

'That's near enough,' said Murphy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," said Meagan.

"How many," her father asked, "are you going to marry?"

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Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''

''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.

Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"

A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"

Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.

After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.

So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Malley went into McCafferty’s Pub and ordered three pints at one time. The bartender asks O’Malley, “Now, tell me O’Malley, why would you be needin’ three pints all at the same time?”
O’Malley explained that each of his brothers just emigrated overseas, one to Australia and the other to America. “As long as each brother lives,” O’Malley says, “I am going to be buyin’ three at a time, one for me and one for each of my brothers.”
So, each time that O’Malley came into McCafferty’s, he would order three pints at the same time.
This went on for years, until one day, O’Malley pulled himself up onto a barstool at McCafferty’s and ordered only two pints.
“Oh, no,” says the bartender. “Which of your brothers passed on? The one in Australia or the one in America?”
“Oh, it’s not that,” says O’Malley. “Both me brothers are just fine. Me doctor’s makin’ me give up the drink.”

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Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”

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Father O’Malley was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon young Sean trying to sell a lawnmower.

“Now son, how much ye be wantin’ for the mower?”" asked the good Father.

“Father, I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the priest asked, “Will ye take me bike in trade for it?”

Sean said, “You got a deal, Father!”

Father O’Malley took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. He called the little boy over and said, “I can't get this mower to start.”

The young Irisher said, “That's 'cause ya have to cuss at it to get it started.”

Father O’Malley said, “I'm a man of the Church, and I can't be speakin’ that way. It's been so long that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss.”

Young Sean was happily riding away and looked back at him and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!”

Day 16

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

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An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

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An American walks into Murphy’s Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.

Paddy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.

"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks, "If you don't mind my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"

To which Paddy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'

'Hang on, Sister,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgment when you've never tasted the stuff?'

'Very well,' said Sister Marie. ‘I’ll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'

'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'

'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two eighty-year-olds were watching TV.

'Pat, me darling,' said Mary. 'Would you ever do me a favour? Would you go into the kitchen and get me some ice cream out of the freezer?'

'I will,'said Pat.

'Well, shall I write it down for you?' asked Mary. 'Because your memory's not what it was.'

'Don't be daft, woman. I can remember a simple thing like a plate of ice cream,' snorted Pat.

'Yes, but I was thinking of having a little chocolate sauce poured on it, so I'd better write it down.'

'Good God in heaven,' bawled Pat. 'I'm not stupid you know. I can remember ice cream with chocolate sauce.'

'Yes, but do you know those sprinkle decorations. I was thinking of a sprinkling of them on top. I'd better draw a picture,' said Mary.

'You'll do no such thing,' said Pat. 'I can remember ice cream, chocolate sauce and hundreds and thousands. Just hang on a minute.'

Hang on Mary did, one minute, ten, twenty, forty. Eventually, Pat returned carrying a tray. On the tray was a plate. On the plate was an egg, bacon and sausage.

'See, I told you. I should have written everything down,'said Mary.

'Why's that?' asked Pat.

Day 15

Reginald, an English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews.

The first interview was with Antonio. Antonio knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Reginald asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.

Reginald did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a Frenchman, Rene, and he was even better than the first. Reginald asked Rene the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," Rene said stammering, "you have no ears."

Reginald again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.

Reginald was wary of the last interview for it was with a young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. Reginald was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.

Sean fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no effin’ ears!"

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O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile to his lips.

"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly.

"Give me just a small bit of that stuff you're cookin."

"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly. "I'm savin' it for the wake!"

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O'Malley's daughter was on her way home from work one night by bus and it was raining heavily. When she reached her stop, she jumped off the bus and began to run to her house a couple of streets away. She heard footsteps behind her and, looking around, she saw a man following her. She reached home, hammered on the door and her mother let her in.

She said, "Oh, mother, a man ran after me."

Her mother said, "I know." as the man came in the gate. "It was your father, he went to meet you with your raincoat and umbrella."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

Day 14

The Clancy twins decided to go camping for the weekend although neither had been out of the city in their lives and both were totally ignorant of the ways of the countryside. Seeking information they chatted to a farmer whose field they were about to rent.

'Could you tell us,' asked Mick, 'why that cow over there hasn't got any horns?'

'Well,' said the farmer, 'there are lots of reasons why cows don't have horns. They can be born with a crumpled horn and it has to be cut off for its own safety. It can be a specific type which has been bred to be hornless. But the real reason why that cow hasn't got any horns is because it's a horse!

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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Jameson's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy, O'Brien & Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.

Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".

O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."

Murphy says, “That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mahoney left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery.

As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.

A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, Mahoney woke up.

"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", Mahoney said.

He got out...

Day 13

The 13th of March, a short 4 days before the big event!! Much is said about the Luck of the Irish, but truthfully, it’s not good luck that makes us a happy bunch, it is the willingness to laugh at our bad luck…..

A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Uncle Tim met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?" "It was grand," said the priest. Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?" And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"

Uncle Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?" The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"

He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?" The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?" Then the priest said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"

He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"

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Legionnaire Molloy had become detached from the regiment and wandered aimlessly across the burning desert sand. Hour after hour, day after day, he trudged on, water all gone, almost totally dehydrated. At almost his last breath he rounded a sand dune and there stood an immaculately dressed Arab with a tray around his neck.

'Water, water, for God's sake give me water,' screamed Molloy.

'Do you want to buy a tie?' asked the Arab.

'Indeed I don't,' said Molloy, and stumbled on.

Two miles later he came across a second Arab, again immaculately dressed, a tray around the neck.

'Water, water - you must give me water!' mumbled Molloy.

'No water, effendi. But do you want to buy a tie?' said the Arab.

'I don't, I don't,' bellowed Molloy and on he stumbled.

Two miles later he couldn't believe his eyes. Mirage? No! It was for real - a beautiful hotel set in an oasis, swimming pool, golf course, tennis courts. Up the steps shuffled Molloy, calling:

'Thank God I'm saved. Water, please, water!'

Out stepped a smartly dressed doorman who said:

'I'm sorry sir, but you can't come in if you're not wearing a tie!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three clergymen, one from Belfast, one from Derry and one from Ballymena, were discussing how to make a little profit out of the Sunday collection.

'Well,' said the Belfast clergyman, 'after I've taken all the collection I just dip my hand in and take a handful, and that does me.'

'I think that's erring a little on the righteous side,' said the Derry clergyman. 'I think it's fairer to divide it in half.'

'Not at all,' said the Ballymena clergyman. 'The most Christian way is to throw all the money up in the air. What stays up is God's, and what comes back down is mine.'

Day 12

Seamus walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have. Seamus replies "A beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".

Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order Seamus says, "A beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts."

Finally the bartender asks Seamus what trouble he's talking about.

Seamus says, "Give me a beer and I might just tell you."

The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night."

Seamus says, "Ohh, now the trouble starts."

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Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in down town Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Brien, a retired electrical engineer, was attending the homecoming football game at his old alma mater, Notre Dame, one crisp fall afternoon. He had been talking football to a college freshman sitting next to him when the conversation turned to electronics and how quickly the world was now changing. The freshman said that it would be impossible for O’Brien’s generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the freshman said loud enough for the everyone nearby to hear.

"Today we have television, jet planes, and space travel,” the freshman continued. “Man has walked on the Moon, and our spaceships have visited Mars.”

“We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and…"

Suddenly O‘Brien interrupted the young student and also spoke loud enough to be heard by those nearby, "You're right. We didn't have those things when I was young; so we invented them. What the hell are you doing for the next generation?"

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Little Katie was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Katie?"

"My goldfish died," replied Katie tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Katie patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Day 11

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

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In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.
"Next?"
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"Next?"
"One glass of brandy."
"Next?"
"A fight."

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McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."