March 18, 2011

March the 17th, sleep the 18th



The Donegal definition of a hangover: "Something occupying a head that wasn't used the night before."

Alas, the St. Patty's season has ended. I hope you enjoyed this years countdown and hopefully you will look forward to March 1, 2012.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.

Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "Go, Go, Go!!"

A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "Go, Go, Go!!"

Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.

After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "Go, Go, Go!!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.

So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

March 17, 2011

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I hope you have enjoyed this special countdown to this fun little holiday. I trust that today you will wear a bit of green, and maybe even share a drink and a story with an Irishman or even an honorary Irishman. Slainte!


All irishmen should live so long as to be this kind of old man! Toward the end of the Sunday Mass, the priest asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Priest then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named James O'Brien, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr.O'Brien, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. O'Brien, that is very unusual l. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. O'Brien, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old irishman tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived all the sons of bitches."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile to his lips.

"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly. "Give me just a small bit of that stuff you're cookin."

"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly. "I'm savin' it for the wake!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly,

"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"

The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."

And the gunman chuckles, "Why I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.

"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.

"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.

"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.

"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.

The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him."

Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"

The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!"

Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!"

"OVER HERE, BY YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.

Father Murphy said, “Thank you, but I’m not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then, I say a young fellow coming along with a nice, large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I’d ask him to share it with me.

I stepped out from the doorway and said, ‘Where are you going with that umbrella?’ And he dropped the darned thing and ran off.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife or children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggles to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."

March 16, 2011

St. Paddy's Eve

Day 16


The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects.
Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"

Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea! "

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in downtown Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father O’Malley was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon young Sean trying to sell a lawnmower.
“Now son, how much ye be wantin’ for the mower?”" asked the good Father.

“Father, I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the priest asked, “Will ye take me bike in trade for it?”

Sean said, “You got a deal, Father!”

Father O’Malley took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. He called the little boy over and said, “I can't get this mower to start.”

The young Irisher said, “That's 'cause ya have to cuss at it to get it started.”

Father O’Malley said, “I'm a man of the Church, and I can't be speakin’ that way. It's been so long that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss.”
Young Sean was happily riding away and looked back at him and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father O’Malley, and Rabbi Levine are involved in a car accident. As they both exit their cars and wobble toward the side of the road. Rabbi Levine says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”

Father O’Malley asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”

Rabbi Levine replies, “Yes. I am just shaken a little is all.”

The father withdraws a flask of whiskey from his coat saying, "Here, Rabbi. Drink some of this. It will calm your nerves."

The Rabbi gratefully accepts the flask, drinking it down while saying, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"

“Well," Father O’Malley replies, "I don't know what you’re apt to be telling them. But I'll be telling them I wasn't the one drinking."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American walks into McCafferty's Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.

Paddy Murphy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.

"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks, "If you don't mind my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"

To which Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

March 15, 2011

Day 15

Day 15

Beware the ides of March....the jokes get worse......


For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand.

"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland. One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?"

The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?"

The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself." So the trainer gave him a piece.

When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' Muldoon asked.

His wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

Muldoon then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later Muldoon is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness he asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied,'Your horse phoned.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

March 14, 2011

Day 14

Day 14


O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave him her license.

The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.

"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." say Seamus.

So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"

March 13, 2011

Day 13 - Happy St. Patty's Week!



Where was the first St Patrick's Day celebration?

The first formal celebration of St. Patrick's Day took place not in Ireland, but in Boston in 1737. It consisted of a dinner attended by wealthy Protestant gentlemen and merchants who had recently come over from Ulster to settle in the colonies. By 1775, the Boston celebration included a march with 70 soldiers from the British Army who were at the time occupying Boston (an interesting note is that exactly 1 year later, in 1776, the British Army was marching again — but in double time — as they were retreating from the city. So in Boston, March 17 holds two causes to celebrate — St Patrick's Day and Evacuation day.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married.
He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful women and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while.

He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"

"I don't like her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says, "Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed."

Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself."

"No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya."

Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! Okay, okay, I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!

Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go."

They keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!"

Patty answers, "No, no, no, I've got to go."

Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go passed the pub once again, they start in again, "Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!"

Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go."

They beg, "C'mon boy, just one."

Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."

It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch. "Oh No!! I've got to go!!"

Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells, "Patty! It's after 11 o'clock! what took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?"

Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims, "Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green.

He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt. Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed. "I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."