Happy St. Patrick's Day!
I hope you have enjoyed this special countdown to this fun little holiday. I trust that today you will wear a bit of green, and maybe even share a drink and a story with an Irishman or even an honorary Irishman. Slainte!
All irishmen should live so long as to be this kind of old man! Toward the end of the Sunday Mass, the priest asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Priest then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named James O'Brien, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr.O'Brien, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. O'Brien, that is very unusual l. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. O'Brien, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The old irishman tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived all the sons of bitches."
O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile to his lips.
"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly. "Give me just a small bit of that stuff you're cookin."
"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly. "I'm savin' it for the wake!"
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.
Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"
No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly,
"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"
A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
And the gunman chuckles, "Why I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."
One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.
"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.
"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.
The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"
The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!"
Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!"
"OVER HERE, BY YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.
Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.
Father Murphy said, “Thank you, but I’m not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then, I say a young fellow coming along with a nice, large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I’d ask him to share it with me.
I stepped out from the doorway and said, ‘Where are you going with that umbrella?’ And he dropped the darned thing and ran off.”
“Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife or children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”
O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggles to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."
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