March 4, 2017

Day 4

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?”
The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”

Something different and perhaps a bit wordy, but it is from Ireland.....

This was done by an Irish comedian, Finchie Cova, some time back and it is his Open Letter to Isis.  While it does have a bit of inside humor, even if you have not been to Ireland, you will catch the drift.

What’s the craic lads! I don’t think we have officially met. Finchie here from Ireland, we are that non aggravating, laid back post English island to the west of the bullshit. So how’s yourself? Been busy I hope. I see from the shallow media outlets and “copy paste” fear posting on social media that ye have been up to your neck in it the past few months. Good for you!

Sorry to be bothering ye boys while ye are busy planning the world’s biggest burning man festival in the name of Alan, (or what ever he’s called) but something has come to our attention to past few days that we need to have a quick “chat” about it. What’s this I hear about ye adding us to a list of countries called “The Global Coalition” in some mad 80’s themed propaganda video? Ah lads come on will ya, shtep down from 3 legged horse now for a second and rewind the cassette cuz I think ye got it wrong.

First of all, lads were only here for the craic! We have been through too much shite hawking over the past couple of thousand years to be goin all “rouge and shit” and joining in fights we clearly don’t want to be part of. It’s like when a fist fight breaks out in primary school between Vince and Lano Kelly. Most of us just watch, shout a bit and kick a bin to make noise or whatever, but we don’t bother getting involved (well Vince is English so any sly opportunity for a shneaky kick to the shins and were all over it) we couldn’t be arsed with the whole thing, we’re simply too laid back. Now keeping that in mind let me let you in on a few tips if you do decide to come over here and piss in our cornflakes.

Don’t judge us on the actions of the lads across the pond. We don’t like that craic. I get that ye have yer fight an all, but dont drag us into it, we don’t give a left bollock for Alan and what he tells ye to do.
Sharon’s law, (or whatever it is) won’t work here. I know a Sharon, and she’s a bitch. We don’t like her either.
Don’t bomb our shit. We just finished building it back after breaking free from the very enemy you also have on your hit list. (if you want tho you can destroy Leitrim, absolute shitehole lads I’m not joking)
We have more than one army. 1 official army (actually went training in north cork recently to prepare for your arrival. And yes north cork is exactly like Damascus, especially Fermoy on a Friday night).
We also have a few non official, highly secretive, multi-talented armies all with the same name (you get used to it after a while) who hate each other but have one very important thing in common…all mad bastards. Let that sink in
By the way the unofficial armies are all trained in guerrilla warfare. Meaning you’re fucked. Like actually fucked. Unless you want to buy weapons, then some of them will turn a blind eye to ” the cause” and sell ya a few AKs while you visit.
Don’t even think about blowing up Leo Burdocks!!! Consider this your harshest warning!
If any single pub is damaged during your short stay here, we will consider this an act of war!!! And we praise to our God Arthur, we will strike down on you with great vengeance and furious anger on those who attempt to destroy our drinking patterns during a time of crises!
On a final note, remember these and you should be fine:
1. Offices close at ten
2. Don’t leave the immersion on
3. PM me for Bono’s address
4. Don’t bomb shit when the toy show is on
5. Start with Leitrim
6. If you’re looking for virgins you won’t find any on Harcourt Street
7. Get a Tesco clubcard. Trust me.
8. If you want to blow up a stadium, go to Dalymount please.
9. Go to a water protest, they don’t judge you for where you’re from, just if you pay or not.
10. Finally, if asked for change, eyes down and keep Fucking walking!
So ISIS its good to meet you. Do yourself a favour and us, stay where you are. You don’t want to come here, were not bothered with the issues you have.
But if you do, we will beat the shit out of all of you using mammies wooden spoon, Kilkenny hurlers and the bouncers from the copper faced Jack’s.
Yours unintentionally
Finchie and the rest of Ireland

March 3, 2017

Day 3

The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud.
And he was lying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along. He knelt down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?" And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?" And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?" He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."


The farmer’s wife had taken ill and he called the town doctor who showed up rather inebriated.
“Where is the patient?” the doctor roared. “It's Theresa, the wife,” says the farmer, “she's not near well!”
The doctor looked at her and cried: “I'm too late . . . she's dead.”

At which point, the women opened one eye and whispered: “I'm not dead.”

Her husband hastily put his finger to her lips and said: “Hush, Theresa, don't contradict the doctor."


This one has been requested.....

Seamus and Sean are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
Seamus says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"
Sean says," I don't know.  Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
Seamus says, "Hey, there's a big log. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole.
They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
Seamus says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert kilos an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible!  I had him chained to a log."


And these are some old classics.......

Mary was taking a nap on Valentine’s Day afternoon. After she woke, she told her husband Paddy, “I just dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous expensive diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day! What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening, Paddy came home with a small package for her. Thrilled, Mary opened it and found a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

March 2, 2017

Day 2

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''

''Why? Don't ye believe me?''


In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"One glass of brandy."
"A fight."


Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND."
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.


The Irish lads (Shane, Sean and Conor), were working on a building site in London. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Sean says, ‘Someone should go and tell his wife.’  Conor says, ‘OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.’
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Guinness. Sean says, ‘Where did you get that, Conor?’
‘Shane’s wife gave it to me’ says Conor.
Sean continues, ‘That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?’
‘Well not exactly,’ Conor said. ‘When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Shane’s widow”.
She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’
And then I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Guinness you are.”

March 1, 2017

Happy St. Patty's Month!!

And so it begins again.  Some new, some old, hopefully some of them make you smile or even laugh out loud!

Paddy, a pick pocket, was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Murphy you are hereby fined $100." His lawyer was his brother Sean who stood up and said "Thanks, yer honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd…..."


Finnegan is sitting at the bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar. 

Finnegan says, "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up.  Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn,and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son."

"Well " said the bartender "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened?" 

"Well said Finnegan, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once..."


Sean is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making brute steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as Sean bursts into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life" says Sean. "I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!! But...enough about me, how's your day going?!"

And don't forget about the parade in Winter Park this Sunday.  2:00!