March 17, 2017

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I hope there have been one or two among this year's collection that have made you smile.  And if they have, share them with those you meet today over a pint or a wee taste of your favorite Irish punch.

      “Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge.  “Think of your wife and children.”
      “I’ve got no wife or children.”
      “Then think of your parents.”
      “I don’t have any parents.”
      “Then think of St. Patrick!!”
      “Who’s St. Patrick?”
      “Jump, ya bastard!”

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.  As he struggles to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.
      "Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


A double-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."



An Irish lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Jameson with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
"Well, thank you kindly, sir" says she. As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have another Jameson with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Jameson with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Ah, lad, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold the hard stuff. Holding your water, however, is another matter entirely."



The ritual of the wake in Ireland has not changed in a thousand years….  They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects.
Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.
Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"
Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea! "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray! "



O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'
O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


Slainte!

March 16, 2017

St. Paddy's Eve

Paddy had a few too many at a party and while driving home, he was pulled over by the Garda. Noting Paddys erratic driving, the Garda immediately breathalyzed him. As they were preparing to book him, there was a terrible accident in the opposite side of the road. The Garda were immediately distracted by the other incident and decided to take care of more important matters. Paddy, figuring that the Garda weren't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the front door, and was greeted by two Garda.

"Are you Mr. Padraigk Murphy?" they asked? Paddy nodded his head.
"Were you pulled over at Church Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the Paddy nervously nodded his head.
"And what did you do then?" they asked. Paddy replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the Guards enquired. Paddy told them that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the Garda. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the Garda squad car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says Murphy.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

Murphy then goes outside and tells Seamus that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. Seamus rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon Seamus goes into the street, sees Paddy, and tells him how to get free drinks.

Paddy hurries into the bar and begins to drink shot after shot of fine Irish Whiskey. Suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," Paddy responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American walks into McCafferty's Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.  Paddy Murphy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.

"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks,

"If you don't mind my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"

To which Paddy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day.  The wind was so loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
“It’s windy,” said one.
“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.
“So am I,” said the third.  “Let’s go and have a drink.”


An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.

A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.

"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..


He got out...

March 15, 2017

Day 15

In a court in Killarney, deep in Munster, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:
Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Shea, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?'

O'Shea the farmer: 'That's right, sir.'

Lawyer: Well then, Mr O'Shea, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'

O'Shea the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say: 'I've never felt better in my life.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An 80-year-old Irishmen goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

“I'm Irish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of Whiskey and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Irish golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little whiskey and that's why he's still alive. He's Irish and he's a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad?  How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Irish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A judge in Dublin asked: "Were you present at the beginning of the trouble between your friend and his wife?"
Witness: "Sure, wasn't I best man at their wedding?"


Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park.  They say down on a bench to rest.  They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot.  Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. 
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Murphy said, "Whistle?  Why should I whistle?  Nobody whistled to warn me."


The good Donegal Sister had her class studying their catechism. When she asked one little boy if he had progressed in his studies as far as original sin, he replied proudly:
"Oh, yes, Sister. I'm beyond redemption."

March 14, 2017

Day 14

Mike wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless. He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table which says "Breakfast is on the stove, dear. I left early to go shopping. Love you!"

He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast waiting for him, and also the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. Really curious by now, Mike asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, Mom said you came home after 3 AM, you stumbled in the door, threw up in the hallway, and passed out half-way up the stairs.

Confused, Mike asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "Leave me alone woman, I'm a married man."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.  The Englishman steals 3 buns, puts them into his pockets and leaves.  He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery. I’ll show you how to do it honestly and get the same results.”
The Irishman proceeded to call out the baker and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The baker was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked for 2 more and ate them both.
The baker says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And today's classics.....

"Is it an emergency?"
He said, "Yes, there's four doctors there already."


It was the end of a long friendship as Seamus and Paddy said good-bye.
"Seamus, when I'm in Australia, will you come to the pub and have two drinks each night, one for me and one for you, in memory of old times?"
"I will too, Paddy. And you'll do the same for me?"
"I will do that, Seamus."
And so night after night Seamus went through the ritual. One large Irish whiskey for himself and then another for Paddy in Australia. Came the day however, when he ordered only one drink. The barman was curious.
"If ye'll forgive me intrusion, Seamus, why have you given up one of the drinks? I hope nothin' has happened to Paddy."
"Oh no, it is simple good friend, simple. I'm on the wagon now."

March 13, 2017

Day 13

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
“Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maggie, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into other people's business. Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.

She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Paddy, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all afternoon. She emphatically told Paddy (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Paddy, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Paddy quietly parked his pickup in front of Maggie's house, walked home ....and left it there all night!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And a few classics.....

Paddy was in America.  He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".  Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.  He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let the Catholics across?"

"I shall hold this case in camera," said the Irish judge.
"What does that mean?" asked the witness.
"Well," said the judge, "I know what it means, and the jury knows what it means you just tell us what happened on the night of June 1st."
"I went to a dance," related the witness, "and Mary asked me to see her home.  It was a fine evening and after we'd crossed a field we sat on a stile in the moonlight and I put my arm around her.  After that, there was a little mushy, sweety-pie palaver."
"And what, pray, does that mean?" asked the judge.
The reply came quickly: "I know what it means, the jury knows what it means, and if you'd been there with your camera, judge, you'd know what it means."

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Slainte!

March 11, 2017

Day 11

Ireland explained

I received this educational document from one of my Irish sites, and thought it might be a handy memo for those waiting to celebrate St. Patrick's day.

Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.

The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland, but still pay in Euros.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland, but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland. It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.

Protestants are in favor of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.

Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink.

We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.

Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin.

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s a new concept pub opened-up in Ireland - it’s got mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night.
Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub - he didn’t know about the mirrors. He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”
Flanagan didn’t know about the mirrors either and he said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”
Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”
Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," she said.
"How many," he asked, "are you going to marry?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And here is an Irish dad "helping" his son learn how to vacuum.....


March 9, 2017

Day 9

Kathleen was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Kathleen, " he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk." But he was insistent.
"Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand.
"Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?"
"It was grand," said the priest.
Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?"
And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"
Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?"
The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"
He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?"
The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?" Then the priest said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"
He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When old Hennessy collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions.  Finally, Hennessy opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly, 

"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.


Father Murphy said, “Thank you, but I’m not sure I got it honestly.  It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped.  Then, I say a young fellow coming along with a nice, large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I’d ask him to share it with me.  I stepped out from the doorway and said, ‘Where are you going with that umbrella?’  And he dropped the darned thing and ran off.”

March 8, 2017

Day 8

The rich American couldn't understand why the Irish angler was lying lazily beside his boat on the beach, smoking a pipe.
"Why aren't you out fishing?" asked the American.
"Because I have caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman.
"Why don't you catch some more?"
"What would I do with them?"
"You could sell them and make more money," was the American's reply. "With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats . . . maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me."
"What would I do then?" asked the fisherman.
"Then you could really enjoy life." said the American.
"And what do you suppose I might be doing right now?" said the Irishman, smiling and puffing away on his pipe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three drunks get into a cab in Galway. The cab driver knew they were drunk so he starts the engine and then turns it off.  He tells them, “We’re here.”
The first guy gives him the fare and the second guy says, “Thank you.”
The third guy gives the driver a slap.  The driver was shocked thinking the third drunk new what he had done. But he asked, “What’s that for?”
The third guy replies, “Watch yer speed next time, you could have gotten us killed!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." 

O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

March 7, 2017

Day 7

Recently a routine Garda patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern. Late in the evening the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.  At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the Garda said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey and Flanagan went mountain climbing in the Alps and got cut off
by an avalanche.  They were sheltering on a ledge when they saw a St. Bernard coming, with a little keg of brandy hanging around his neck.
Flanagan said, "Look! Here comes man's best friend."
Casey said, "And look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets,
      "Do you want to go to heaven?"
      The man said, "I do, Father."
      The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." 
      Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
      "Certainly Father," said the man.
      "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
      Then the priest walked up to Delaney and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
      Delaney said, "No, I don't Father."
      The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
      Delaney said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.  "Inebriated again!" declared the priest.  "Shame on you!  When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen.  "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it!  Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.  How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen.  "The Bishop has it!"

March 6, 2017

Day 6


Those of you have been on this list for a while, might recognize some of these.....

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt. Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.

"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Roman Catholic priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass.

"Good mornin', Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church."

"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.

"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great basilica at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."

Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?

"Deed I did , Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.

"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you.

"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Mr. O'Riley. Is he here?


"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."

March 5, 2017

Murphy rear-ended a car....He knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day. 
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!! 
He looked up at him and said, "I'm NOT f***ing happy!" 
So Murphy said, "Which f***ing one ARE you then?" 

That's how the fight started...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy had a wee bit too much and was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. The policeman walks up and says, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Paddy asks, "Ossifer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, Paddy says, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'


Joe Mooney

March 4, 2017

Day 4

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?”
The girl said, “Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin – it’s only a mistake.”

Something different and perhaps a bit wordy, but it is from Ireland.....

This was done by an Irish comedian, Finchie Cova, some time back and it is his Open Letter to Isis.  While it does have a bit of inside humor, even if you have not been to Ireland, you will catch the drift.

AN OPEN LETTER TO ISIS
What’s the craic lads! I don’t think we have officially met. Finchie here from Ireland, we are that non aggravating, laid back post English island to the west of the bullshit. So how’s yourself? Been busy I hope. I see from the shallow media outlets and “copy paste” fear posting on social media that ye have been up to your neck in it the past few months. Good for you!

Sorry to be bothering ye boys while ye are busy planning the world’s biggest burning man festival in the name of Alan, (or what ever he’s called) but something has come to our attention to past few days that we need to have a quick “chat” about it. What’s this I hear about ye adding us to a list of countries called “The Global Coalition” in some mad 80’s themed propaganda video? Ah lads come on will ya, shtep down from 3 legged horse now for a second and rewind the cassette cuz I think ye got it wrong.

First of all, lads were only here for the craic! We have been through too much shite hawking over the past couple of thousand years to be goin all “rouge and shit” and joining in fights we clearly don’t want to be part of. It’s like when a fist fight breaks out in primary school between Vince and Lano Kelly. Most of us just watch, shout a bit and kick a bin to make noise or whatever, but we don’t bother getting involved (well Vince is English so any sly opportunity for a shneaky kick to the shins and were all over it) we couldn’t be arsed with the whole thing, we’re simply too laid back. Now keeping that in mind let me let you in on a few tips if you do decide to come over here and piss in our cornflakes.

Don’t judge us on the actions of the lads across the pond. We don’t like that craic. I get that ye have yer fight an all, but dont drag us into it, we don’t give a left bollock for Alan and what he tells ye to do.
Sharon’s law, (or whatever it is) won’t work here. I know a Sharon, and she’s a bitch. We don’t like her either.
Don’t bomb our shit. We just finished building it back after breaking free from the very enemy you also have on your hit list. (if you want tho you can destroy Leitrim, absolute shitehole lads I’m not joking)
We have more than one army. 1 official army (actually went training in north cork recently to prepare for your arrival. And yes north cork is exactly like Damascus, especially Fermoy on a Friday night).
We also have a few non official, highly secretive, multi-talented armies all with the same name (you get used to it after a while) who hate each other but have one very important thing in common…all mad bastards. Let that sink in
By the way the unofficial armies are all trained in guerrilla warfare. Meaning you’re fucked. Like actually fucked. Unless you want to buy weapons, then some of them will turn a blind eye to ” the cause” and sell ya a few AKs while you visit.
Don’t even think about blowing up Leo Burdocks!!! Consider this your harshest warning!
If any single pub is damaged during your short stay here, we will consider this an act of war!!! And we praise to our God Arthur, we will strike down on you with great vengeance and furious anger on those who attempt to destroy our drinking patterns during a time of crises!
On a final note, remember these and you should be fine:
1. Offices close at ten
2. Don’t leave the immersion on
3. PM me for Bono’s address
4. Don’t bomb shit when the toy show is on
5. Start with Leitrim
6. If you’re looking for virgins you won’t find any on Harcourt Street
7. Get a Tesco clubcard. Trust me.
8. If you want to blow up a stadium, go to Dalymount please.
9. Go to a water protest, they don’t judge you for where you’re from, just if you pay or not.
10. Finally, if asked for change, eyes down and keep Fucking walking!
So ISIS its good to meet you. Do yourself a favour and us, stay where you are. You don’t want to come here, were not bothered with the issues you have.
But if you do, we will beat the shit out of all of you using mammies wooden spoon, Kilkenny hurlers and the bouncers from the copper faced Jack’s.
Yours unintentionally
Finchie and the rest of Ireland

March 3, 2017

Day 3

The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud.
And he was lying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along. He knelt down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?" And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?" And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?" He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The farmer’s wife had taken ill and he called the town doctor who showed up rather inebriated.
“Where is the patient?” the doctor roared. “It's Theresa, the wife,” says the farmer, “she's not near well!”
The doctor looked at her and cried: “I'm too late . . . she's dead.”

At which point, the women opened one eye and whispered: “I'm not dead.”

Her husband hastily put his finger to her lips and said: “Hush, Theresa, don't contradict the doctor."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This one has been requested.....

Seamus and Sean are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
Seamus says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"
Sean says," I don't know.  Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
Seamus says, "Hey, there's a big log. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole.
They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
Seamus says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert kilos an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible!  I had him chained to a log."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And these are some old classics.......

Mary was taking a nap on Valentine’s Day afternoon. After she woke, she told her husband Paddy, “I just dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous expensive diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day! What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening, Paddy came home with a small package for her. Thrilled, Mary opened it and found a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.”


An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."


In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."