Day 9

A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.

The preacher continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.  He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.

Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed. "I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

Day 8

This is the last chance warm up weekend!  Try on your green to make sure it hasn’t shrunk from last year.  And go have a few pints somewhere to reintroduce yourself to your favorite Irish bartended just in case you don’t visit him/her regularly.  You don’t want to look like one of those amateurs on the 17^th……. J

An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..

As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave.. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole.. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep..

A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site.. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up..

"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..

He got out...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Murphy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whiskey please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."

"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.

Moments later Murphy shouts, "Another whiskey for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"

Murphy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.

About twenty minutes later though Murphy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whiskey for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marveling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs Murphy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

Day 7

Paddy, a pick pocket, was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Murphy you are hereby fined $100." His lawyer was his brother Sean who stood up and said "Thanks, yer honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."  O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"The most important thing to remember about drunks is that drunks are far more intelligent than non-drunks. They spend a lot of time talking in pubs, unlike workaholics who concentrate on their careers and ambitions, who never develop their higher spiritual values, who never explore the insides of their head like a drunk does."
- Shane MacGowen, lead singer/songwriter for The Pogues.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
            Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Day 6

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was in a pub on Saturday night.

I had a few.... I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"

Then the lights went out....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot.  The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot.  Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bull would eat good grass.  The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't.  The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug.  The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

Day 5

Murphy, O'Brien & Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says,
"I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything.'"
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Little Ryan had spilled the ink all over the classroom floor.  The teacher came down and stood looking sternly at him.  “Ryan,” she said, “If you spilled something at home, what would your mother do?”  Ryan said, “Well, she wouldn’t just stand there like you, looking at it, she’d clean it up.”

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," she said.

"How many," he asked, "are you going to marry?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bartender to Flanagan:  “Your glass is empty sir, would you like another?  Flanagan said, “Now just why would I be wanting two empty glasses?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Fitzpatrick was boasting to Mrs. O’Reilly about the extent of her wardrobe. “Whenever I’m in the dumps, I get myself a new hat.” Mrs. O’Reilly said, “I was wondering where you got them.”

Day 4 - First Monday

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
            "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
            The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.
            "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out.  At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read.  One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. 
            At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang.  It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien.  She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no.  Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted.  "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. 
            Father Murphy said, "Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly.  It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped.  Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me.  I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?' And he dropped the darned thing and ran."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Day 3 - Parade Day in Orlando

Those of us in the Orlando area are subject to the whims of the government of Winter Park for our annual St. Patrick's Day parade. And if you leave it up to the government, they will find some way to mess it up.  So our biggest parade in celebration of the Irish is on March 3rd, 14 days before the High Holy Day.  Rather than complain, let's use this as a fine reason to begin the celebrating early!

A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar.

The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn,and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. "

"Well " said the bartended "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? "

"Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
            "Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
            "Who were the five?" asked a listener.
            "Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
            "But you said there were five and you count only four."
            "Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."