November 9, 2010

November

It has been a while since I've put anything out here, and there are multiple reasons for that. One, I haven't had much to write about, so anything I would put out here would be more boring than usual, and two, my account information changed, I couldn't remember my password and such since Google changed everything about. I hate to admit that, but that's the truth.

Anyway, I came across something this evening worth sharing. I was looking up a Gaelic phrase in response to a Las who kept ending letters with a nice Spanish sentiment. Well that will be another story for another day 'cause it's late and you know how I run on sometimes about nonsense and get off topic and forget my point and....and....Where was I?.... Oh yeah, the Gaelic bit.

Anyway, I found this fine list of "Useful Irish Sayings" in the old tongue and I just had to share. Here is the list... No lie: (the list presents the English, the Gaelic, and phonetic)


Thank you.......Go raibh maith agat.......guramahhagut
Thank God.......Buíochas le Dia........bweeahhkus lay djeeah
Take it easy.......Tóg bog é....... toge boag ay
Never mind....... Ná bac leis....... nah bahk lesh
Be careful........ Bí curamach....... be kuramakh
Be quiet....... Bí ciúin....... be ku-in
shut your mouth.......... Dún do bheal........ dun doe vale
Kiss my arse......... Póg ma thoin........ poag mah hone
goodbye ( if staying)....... Slán leat...... shlahn lyaht
goodbye (if going)........ Slán agat....... shlahn ugut

So matter of fact these helpful Irish sayings are. And notice the progression. Be careful....Be quiet....shut your mouth....Kiss my arse....goodbye..... How.....Irish..... :)

March 18, 2010

March the 17th, sleep the 18th......

If only it were possible.....but with kids and work the option of sleeping off a wonderful night of celebrating is not to be......but, I will survive. There are only 364 days until I do it all over again..... :)

The Donegal definition of a hangover: "Something occupying a head that wasn't used the night before."

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The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

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The English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. His secretary had set up three interviews for him, with an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Irishman.

The first interview was with the Italian. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, the Englishman asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.

The Englishman did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with the Frenchman and he was even better than the first. The Englishman asked the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," stammered the Frenchman, "you have no ears."

The Englishman again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.

He was wary of the last interview with the young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. The Englishman was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.

Sean fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!"

March 17, 2010

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Today's Irish Quote:

"Mr. Speaker, I said the hounourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases."

Richard Sheridan
Irish playwright and politician, 1780


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Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun.

"Don't jump," she said, and I'll grant you three wishes."

"Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."

She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."

He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."

She said, "They will be there when you get home."

He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."

She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted."

Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me."

He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.

She said, "What age are you?"

He replied, "I'm forty."

She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?"

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Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the mental hospital and he hears the residents inside chanting,

"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

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His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

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Officer O’Brien came across a crowd of people looking up at a man standing on a ledge.

“Don’t jump!” implored O’Brien. “Think of yer children.”

“I don’t have any children,” replied the man.

“Then think of yer wife.”

“I’m not married,” was the reply.

“Think of yer parents then lad.”

“I haven’t any parents.”

“Why then think of St. Patrick!”

“Who’s St. Patrick?”

“Jump ya bastard!!”


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LIttle Sean had spilled the ink all over the classroom floor. The teacher came down and stood looking sternly at him.

"Sean," she said, "if you spilled something at home, what would your mother do?"

Sean said, "Well, she wouldn't just stand there lik you, looking at it, she'd clean it up."


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There’s a new concept pub opened-up in Ireland - it’s got mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night.

Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub - he didn’t know about the mirrors. He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”

Flanagan didn’t know about the mirrors either and he said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”

Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”

Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”

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A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."




March 16, 2010

Day 16

Today's Irish Quote:

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."

Soccer superstar George Best


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There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says,

"Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed."

Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself."

"No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya."

Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! Okay, okay, I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!

Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go."

They keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!"

Patty answers, “No, no, no, I've got to go.”

Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go past the pub once again, they start in again,

"Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!

Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go."

They beg, "C'mon boy, just one."

Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."

It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch.

"Oh No!! I've got to go!!"

Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells,

"Patty! It's after 11:00! What took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?"

Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims, "Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"

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An Englishman and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey.

He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who say, ''May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.''

The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irishman, whom replies, ''No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!''

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O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of Jameson’s in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.

“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood.”

March 15, 2010

Day 15

Today's Irish Quote:

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)



"I shall hold this case in camera," said the Irish judge.

"What does that mean?" asked the witness.

"Well," said the judge, "I know what it means, and the jury knows what it means you just tell us what happened on the night of June 1st."

"I went to a dance," related the witness, "and Mary asked me to see her home. It was a fine evening and after we'd crossed a field we sat on a stile in the moonlight and I put my arm around her. After that, there was a little mushy, sweety-pie palaver."

"And what, pray, does that mean?" asked the judge.

The reply came quickly: "I know what it means, the jury knows what it means, and if you'd been there with your camera, judge, you'd know what it means."


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O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted.

"I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."


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Thomas Delaney met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?"

"It was grand," said the priest.

Delaney said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?"

And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"

Delaney said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?"

The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"

He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?"

The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?"

Then the priest said, "By the way, Thomas, how many chances did you take?"

He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky"

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Dr. Haggerty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.

"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"

"You'll have to," said Dr. Haggerty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."

"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "Just for a little hearing??"


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When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly,

"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

March 14, 2010

Day 14

Today's Irish Quote:

"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift



A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.

"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."

"Who were the five?" asked a listener.

"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."

"But you said there were five and you count only four."

"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

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A black, black night it was as Mick made his way homeward from the pub. Suddenly he heard a small voice crying for help and so, full of Guinness and good will to all men, he followed the sound 'til he came across the small figure of a leprechaun with his foot caught under a large stone. Mick freed the green-clad little fellow, helped him gently to his feet and made sure all was well.


"Good sir," said the leprechaun, bowing stiffly and low, "I am in your debt and wish to repay yer kindness. I would deem it a favor if ye'd accept three fairy wishes."


"Shure now that would be foine," said Mick.

"Make a wish then," said the little man, "and whatever ye want, 'twill be granted."

"Oi wish Oi had a bottle of stout," said Mick.

No sooner were the words spoken than a bottle appeared in Mick's hand. Gently he unscrewed the top and supped the bottle.

"Sir," interrupted the leprechaun, "I don't mean to be rushing ye, but I must get on and ye still have two more wishes to make."

"Well," said Mick, "Oi wish this bottle would never be empty."

"Done," said the manikin.

Mick had another swig and another and, sure enough, after each the bottle would replenish itself.

"Glory be," said Mick, dancing a small jig and supping some more.

"And what's your third wish?" the leprechaun inquired politely.

"Shure now," said Mick, waving his magic bottle, "Oi'll have another one of these."



March 13, 2010

Day 13

Today's Irish Quote:

"When I get a very generous introduction like that, I explain that I'm emotionally moved, but on the other hand I'm Irish and the Irish are very emotionally moved. My mother is Irish and she cries during beer commercials."

- Former U.S. General Barry McCaffrey




The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink."

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."


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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.

The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave him her license.

The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

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A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”

The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the train is always running late, anyway.”

The man then said, “It certainly will be today - I’m the driver!”



March 12, 2010

Day 12

Today's Irish Truth:

The English word "Whiskey" comes from the Gaelic "uisce beatha" (pronounced ish-kuh ba-ha) which means "water of life."

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A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."

The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.

"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."

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Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.

He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

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One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day.

He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.

Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.

"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

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Said the lost balloonist to Casey in the field, "Ahoy below, where am I?"

Casey shouted up to him, "You can't fool me, yer up there in that little basket!"

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Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.

Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.


He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

March 11, 2010

Day 11

Today's Irish Quote:

"Even if the ball was wrapped in bacon, Lassie couldn't find it."
Heard from an Irish caddie, after a particularly bad shot.


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A Roman Catholic priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass."Good morning,' Mr. and

Mrs. O'Riley. “I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church.”

"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful",

said Mrs. O'Riley.

"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great basilica at the

Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."

Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs.

O'Riley, did you ever have any children?

"Deed I did , Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.

"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you.

"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Mr.O'Riley. Is he here?

"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."

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At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a

sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying,

"Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

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O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and

his money) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a

couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,

'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come

Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile

to his lips.

"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly. "Give me just a small bit of that stuff

you're cookin."

"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly. "I'm savin' it for the wake!"


March 10, 2010

Day 10

Today's Irish Quote:

"Drinking is the only way to find out whether or not your neck leaks!"
Unknown


Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''

''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

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Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.

He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

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The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." sayS Seamus. So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"

March 9, 2010

Day 9

Today's Irish Quote:

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
Oscar Wilde



Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland. One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?"

The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?"

The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."

So the trainer gave him a piece.

When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions,

"Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"


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Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side.

Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts, "Go, Go, Run!!"

A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "Go, Go, Run!!"

Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself,

"What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?"

This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time. After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side.

Now Paddy stands up and shouts "Go, Go, Run!!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.

So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

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In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.

"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.

"Next?"

"Two glasses of whiskey."

"Next?"

"One glass of brandy."

"Next?"

"A fight."

March 8, 2010

Day 8

Today's Irish Quote:

"A good storyteller never lets the facts get in the way."
Dave Allen


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An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.

"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."

"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

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Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking.

Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"

Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"

With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."


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One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it.

Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.

"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.

"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.

"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.

"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.

The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him."

Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"

The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!"

Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!"

"Over here, on your swing set!" the drunk yells back.

March 7, 2010

Day 7

It should be a fine day for a parade! Hope to see you on Park Avenue!



The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"

"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.

Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy won the Irish Sweepstakes $100,000.00 and was on a long holiday in America. He went on a bus tour and traveled for hours and hours through desert country and oil fields.

Murphy said, "Where are we now?"


The guide said, "We're in the great state of Texas."


"It's a big place," said Murphy.


The guide said, "It's so big, that your County Kerry would fit into the smallest corner of it."


And Murphy said, "Yes, and wouldn't it do wonders for it!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got.


Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.

Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.

"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"


This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked,

"Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner said, "No."


The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."


Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."


"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"


Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said,


"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

March 6, 2010

Day 6 - Weekend Edition

For you loyal followers who had the good sense to come here and check without an e-mail reminder, God love ya!!

Today's Irish Quote:

“Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.” - Oscar Wilde

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Timothy met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?"


"It was grand," said the priest. Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?"

And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"

Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?"

The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"

He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?"

The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?"

Then the priest said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"

He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.

"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all Winter."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two friends Sean and Paddy were two of the biggest football fans in Ireland.
Their entire adult lives, Sean and Paddy discussed football history, and they pored over all the statistics. They went to all of the matches. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was football in heaven.

One summer night, Sean passed away in his sleep after watching a Manchester United victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Paddy awoke to the sound of Sean's voice from beyond.

"Sean, is that you?" Paddy asked.

"Of course it me," Sean replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Paddy exclaimed. "So tell me, is there football in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there's football in heaven, Paddy."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're playing tomorrow night!"

March 5, 2010

Day 5

Today's Irish Quote:

"The government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."

George Bernard Shaw.

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The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"

She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.

"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest.

"Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"

"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"

"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"

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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks,
"Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:

"Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.


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Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.

Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything.'"

O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."

Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

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An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery.

As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.

A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.

"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said.

He got out.

March 4, 2010

Day 4 - Thirsty Thursday

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine; something Brussels Sprouts never do.

- P. J. O'Rourke



Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up. "I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble," offered the friend. "Did Mike leave you well fixed?" "Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a half million dollars." "Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write." "Nor swim either," added the widow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want
to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

March 3, 2010

Day 3 - Read 'em and laugh!

These are much funnier if you read them after a few drinks. So after work today, pour yourself a few fingers worth of a fine Irish whiskey (or have a beer if you must) and read them again. I promise that you'll enjoy them more....


"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience"
Oscar Wilde


One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan, I'm perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning, I can tell exactly what's wrong."

Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?"

Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole, she'll know what to do."

Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.

A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"

"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So I said, 'Go crap in yer hat!,' and the fight was on."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."

Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"

"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.

"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"

O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

(And if you don't get that last one, ask your Catholic friend....)

March 1, 2010

Day 2 - The laughs keep coming....

Irish Quote of the day:

"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."

Brendan Behan

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Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.

Murphy: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.

One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."

"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.

Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."

"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."

"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."

The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"

Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along.

One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The English stranger was seated next to Murphy on the plane when he thought he would have some fun with the Irish traveler. He turned to Murphy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Murphy, who had just opened a magazine, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What now would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the smirking Englishman. "How about nuclear power?"


"OK," said Murphy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"My," said the Englishman. "I have no idea."


"Well, then," said Murphy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

February 28, 2010

Let the Jokes Begin!

The Olympics have come to a close and while we will all miss curling, ice dancing, and skeleton, how can we really take seriously any event this long that didn't feature an Irishman?

With the end of the Olympics, comes the beginning of March, a time where we can all look forward to the end of cold weather, the beginning of baseball, the lead up to March Madness, hockey games with a purpose and of course, 17 days of Irish jokes!! Enjoy.....

The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.

Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor.

Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?" Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea! "

Murphy said, "Leave it to me."

Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray! "

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The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud. And he was lying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along.

He kneeled down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?"

And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?"

And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?"

He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (Also Kerrymen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."

"What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple of hunters in Kerry are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." ....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.