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Today's Irish Quote:
“Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit.” - Oscar Wilde
Timothy met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?"
"It was grand," said the priest. Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?"
And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"
Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?"
The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"
He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?"
The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?"
Then the priest said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"
He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"
"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all Winter."
Two friends Sean and Paddy were two of the biggest football fans in Ireland.
Their entire adult lives, Sean and Paddy discussed football history, and they pored over all the statistics. They went to all of the matches. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was football in heaven.
One summer night, Sean passed away in his sleep after watching a Manchester United victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Paddy awoke to the sound of Sean's voice from beyond.
"Sean, is that you?" Paddy asked.
"Of course it me," Sean replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Paddy exclaimed. "So tell me, is there football in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there's football in heaven, Paddy."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're playing tomorrow night!"