February 28, 2010

Let the Jokes Begin!

The Olympics have come to a close and while we will all miss curling, ice dancing, and skeleton, how can we really take seriously any event this long that didn't feature an Irishman?

With the end of the Olympics, comes the beginning of March, a time where we can all look forward to the end of cold weather, the beginning of baseball, the lead up to March Madness, hockey games with a purpose and of course, 17 days of Irish jokes!! Enjoy.....

The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.

Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor.

Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?" Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea! "

Murphy said, "Leave it to me."

Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray! "


The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud. And he was lying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along.

He kneeled down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?"

And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?"

And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?"

He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."


Paddy the Kerryman died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Seamus and Sean (Also Kerrymen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two assholes."

"What, he had two assholes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two assholes...."


A couple of hunters in Kerry are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." ....There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

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