March 7, 2008

Day 7

This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married.
He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while.
He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"
"I don't like her."
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For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

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A Roman Catholic priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass.
"Good morning,' Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. “I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church.”
"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.
"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great basilica at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."
Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?
"Deed I did , Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.
"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you.
"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Mr.O'Riley. Is he here?
"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."

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O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted.
"I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

March 6, 2008

Day 6

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

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The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana.' Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.

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McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"

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The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death.
"Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."

Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"
"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."

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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks,

"Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:

"Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

March 5, 2008

Day 5

What a fine season this is. I took the boys to the local arena to watch the Globetrotters perform and a friend told me that they had no trouble picking me out of the crowd since I was the only one with the green hat and shirt on. I just don't understand why I would be the only one.......

This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married.
He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while.
He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"
"I don't like her."

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There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says, "Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed." Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself." "No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya." Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! O.K., o.k. I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!! Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go." The keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!" Patty answers, No, no, no, I've got to go.

Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go passed the pub once again, they start in again, "Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!! Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go. They beg, "C'mon boy, just one." Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."

It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch. "Oh No!! I've got to go!!" Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells,v"Patty! It's after 11 o'clock!vWhat took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?" Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims,

"Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"

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One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.

Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.

"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

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The ritual of the Irish wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. His neighbor Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"
Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea! "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

March 3, 2008

Day 4

I was in a discussion about the local parade with a friend who marched in it. While I had a difficult time understanding why it was so early in March, I had to admit that it certainly was an Irish event since it has a bit of controversy to it. All over the globe this year, there is discussion about when to observe St. Patrick's Day, for this year it falls during Holy Week, considered a time of sober reflection. Perhaps you haven't noticed but there is rarely any sober reflection during a St. Patrick's Day parade.

Anyway, I thank the City of Winter Park for hosting the parade and thanks to all those who marched.

Many towns in Ireland are observing the holiday early in order to keep Holy Week holy. However, the largest centers of Irish Culture (watch the oxymoron comments please), Dublin and New York City will be observing on the 17th.

So which are the shortest and the longest parade routes? The longest parade in the world takes place in New York, with a route that stretches over four miles, while the shortest in Dripsey, County Cork, Ireland, which is a mere twenty yards long — simply a parade between two pubs. I've been to New York and I hope to make it to Cork some day......

And now for todays laughs:

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it doctor, I'll come back when you're sober."

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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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Reginald, an English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews.

The first interview was with Antonio. Antonio knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Reginald asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.
Reginald did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a Frenchman, Rene, and he was even better than the first. Reginald asked Rene the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," Rene said stammering, "you have no ears."
Reginald again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.

Reginald was wary of the last interview for it was with a young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. Reginald was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.

Sean fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!"

Day 3

I'm not sure where you might be reading this from, but here in O'Rlando it is a beautiful sunny day, perfect for skipping work and sneaking out to a golf course - and for those of you who have reached that point in life where you don't have to sneak, you are living the life of Riley....



Riley is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

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The English stranger was seated next to Riley on the plane when he thought he would have some fun with the Irish traveler. He turned to Riley and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Riley, who had just opened a magazine, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What now would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the smirking Englishman. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Riley. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"My," said the Englishman. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Riley, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want
to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to Riley and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
Riley said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
Riley said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

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One night Riley and his wife are in bed when Riley hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
"What!" Riley yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face.
He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
"Just a guy wanting a push," Riley says.
"Why didn't you help him?" the Mrs. asks.
"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" Riley yells.
His wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy now, Riley gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"
The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!"
Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!"
"OVER HERE, ON YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.

March 2, 2008

Day 2

For some reason or another, our local St. Patrick's Day parade occurs today. I guess they have finally decided to celebrate the Month, rather than the day.

If you can't make it to the parade, raise your glass in toast to those who have made the sacrifice to march and entertain the throngs.


An old man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didn’t have anyone to dig his garden for spring planting. So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, “For HEAVENS SAKE, don’t dig the garden up, that’s where I buried the guns!!!!!” At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours, but didn’t find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what he should do now? The son sent the reply: “NOW plant the potatoes!”

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At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

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In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.
"Next?"
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"Next?"
"One glass of brandy."
"Next?"
"A fight."

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A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."