March 16, 2013

St. Patty's Eve

For all intents and purposes, St. Patty's Day is upon us.  The weather here in Central Florida is perfect for a day of song and drink - of course what weather isn't?


The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
            She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
            She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
            The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
            "I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Dr. Haggerty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him,
            "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness.  Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
            "Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
            "You'll have to," said Dr. Haggerty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
            "Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "Just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.  After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
            "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said.  "I'll be back in a few minutes."
            When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
            "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy.  "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
            One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
            "Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick Catholic Church.  'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

 This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.’

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.  The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.’ 


March 15, 2013

Day 15

Good Morning!  It is St. Patrick's Day weekend and there are many an Irish Pub celebrating on both the 16th and the day itself.  Not wanting to discourage such activity, I too will be participating on both days.

I will be at Liam Fitzpatrick's on Saturday for as long as I can stand.....you can't miss me, I'll be the one in green with a beautiful redhead on my arm..... at least that's the plan!

Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Casey came home from seeing the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?" 
He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."
She said, "So what, lots of people have to take a pill every day for the rest of their lives." 
He said, "I know, but he only gave me four." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in down town Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife or children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”



March 14, 2013

Day 14


There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says,
"Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed."
Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself."
"No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya."
Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! Okay, okay, I'll go right away."
So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way.
As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!
Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go."
They keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!"
Patty answers, “No, no, no, I've got to go.”
Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go past the pub once again, they start in again,
"Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!
Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go.
They beg, "C'mon boy, just one."
Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."
It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch.
"Oh No!! I've got to go!!"
Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells,
"Patty! It's after 11:00! What took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?"
Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims, "Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud.
And he was Iying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along. He kneeled down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?" And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?" And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?" He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
'Denephew.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached is assistant.

'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'..

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' Says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!'


March 12, 2013

Lucky 13

            A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
            Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
            "Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
            "Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
            The man said, "I do Father."
            The priest said,  "Then stand over there against the wall."
            Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
            "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
            "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
            Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
            O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
            The priest said, "I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
            O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. 

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 



The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving mile.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.  So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.  It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.  They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned That they had brought the cow over from Scotland.  "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:  "My wife's from Scotland "

Day 12


O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. 

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, 
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?' 

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.  One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.  Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips.  The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.  As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "Don't sell that cow."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Father O’Malley was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon young Sean trying to sell a lawnmower.  "Now son, how much ye be wantin’ for the mower?”" asked the good Father.  

Father, I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the priest asked, “Will ye take me bike in trade for it?”
Sean said, “You got a deal, Father!”

Father O’Malley took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. He called the little boy over and said, “I can't get this mower to start.”
The young Irisher said, “That's 'cause ya have to cuss at it to get it started.”

Father O’Malley said, “I'm a man of the Church, and I can't be speakin’ that way. It's been so long that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss.”

Young Sean was happily riding away and looked back at him and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Malley went into McCafferty’s Pub and ordered three pints at one time. The bartender asks O’Malley, “Now, tell me O’Malley, why would you be needin’ three pints all at the same time?”
O’Malley explained that each of his brothers just emigrated overseas, one to Australia and the other to America. “As long as each brother lives,” O’Malley says, “I am going to be buyin’ three at a time, one for me and one for each of my brothers.”
So, each time that O’Malley came into McCafferty’s, he would order three pints at the same time.
This went on for years, until one day, O’Malley pulled himself up onto a barstool at McCafferty’s and ordered only two pints.
“Oh, no,” says the bartender. “Which of your brothers passed on? The one in Australia or the one in America?”
“Oh, it’s not that,” says O’Malley. “Both me brothers are just fine. Me doctor’s makin’ me give up the drink.”




March 11, 2013

Day 11

We are entering the home stretch now, so it's time to share some of the classics.....

           

 A judge in Dublin asked: "Were you present at the beginning of the trouble between your friend and his wife?"
Witness: "Sure, wasn't I best man at their wedding?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day.  The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other. 
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.'
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned.'





March 10, 2013

Day 10

One week to go!!


Murphy walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says Murphy.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
Murphy then goes outside and tells Seamus that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
Seamus rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon Seamus goes into the street, sees Paddy, and tells him how to get free drinks.
Paddy hurries into the bar and begins to drink shot after shot of fine Irish Whiskey. Suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," Paddy responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''
''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.  Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
            "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
            "Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She followed her husband to the public house.
            "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
            "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."