As always, it has been a wonderful run up to my favorite holiday. I am truly grateful of your appreciation (tolerance) of some of my favorite Irish jokes. I hope that today finds you surrounded by friends, family, and a designated driver! :)
Mrs.
Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant
drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from
spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the
cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes
staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the
cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a
startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am
the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her
hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A
man walks out of a house in Belfast.
Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying,
"Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
The first man, not knowing how
to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute
and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
At which the gunman chuckles,
"Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hennessy
wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and
family had left him. Depressed and
distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating
suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that
someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old lady leprechaun.
"Don't jump," she
said, “and I'll grant you three wishes."
"Right," he said. "my
first wish is to have $100,000."
She said, "When you check
your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."
He then said, "My second
wish is to have my wife and children back."
She said, "They will be there
when you get home."
He said, "My third wish
is to be tall and handsome."
She said, When you look in the
mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted." Then she added, "I want you to do
something in return for me. I want you
to kiss me."
He looked at her and shuddered
at the thought. But under the
circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again
and again.
She said, "What age are
you?"
He replied, "I'm
forty."
She said, "Don't you
think that you're a bit too old to be believin’ in leprechauns?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In
West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the
small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any
more...."
"Nonsense, darling,"
replied the husband, "you cook better now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Toole
worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing
the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went
to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years
since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all
those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my
son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if
you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night a man and his wife are in bed when the
man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a
very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push. "What!" the
homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's
face.
He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it
was. "Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.
"Why didn't
you help him?" the woman asks.
"Because it's 3:30 in the
morning!" the husband yells.
The wife, slightly angry now, says,
"Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help
us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy
now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the
man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a
push!"
The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" Still not seeing
the drunk, the husband yells out again,
"WHERE?!"
"OVER HERE, ON YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slainte!!
