March 18, 2013

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

As always, it has been a wonderful run up to my favorite holiday.  I am truly grateful of your appreciation (tolerance) of some of my favorite Irish jokes.  I hope that today finds you surrounded by friends, family, and a designated driver! :)

            Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
            So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
            Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
            With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."


            A man walks out of a house in Belfast.  Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
            The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
            At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."


            Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with.  Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him.  Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide.  Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old lady leprechaun. 
            "Don't jump," she said, “and I'll grant you three wishes."
            "Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."
            She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."
            He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."
            She said, "They will be there when you get home."
            He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."
            She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted."  Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me.  I want you to kiss me."
            He looked at her and shuddered at the thought.  But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted.  He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.
            She said, "What age are you?"
            He replied, "I'm forty."
            She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believin’ in leprechauns?"


            In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
            "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."


            O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
            "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
            "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
            O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."


One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push. "What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. 

He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was. "Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says. 

"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks. 

"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells. 

The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him." 

Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!" 

The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, 


"OVER HERE, ON YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.



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