March 5, 2016

Day 5

Day 5

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s & had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, & in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea & scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water & its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him & he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago & I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet & that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

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Before performing a christening in Ireland, Father Reilly approached Seamus and said to him solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are ye prepared for it?”
“I think I am father,” Seamus replied. “My wife has made a big buffet spread and Mrs O’Sullivan has baked biscuits and cakes for all of our guests.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Father Reilly responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”
“To be sure I am,” Seamus replied. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”

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The nuns at a small convent in Limerick were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit. Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw. As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he indeed looked poor.
She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her offering. She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed, my good man."
As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?"
Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann."
The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said.
The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. She's in the chapel. May I give her a message?"
"Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed finished second."

March 4, 2016

Day 4

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the
end and jiggled it up and down in the water.

A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have
a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their
whisky, the gentleman asked, And how many have you caught?'

'You're the eighth"

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A lawyer runs a stop sign in Dublin ,and gets pulled over by the Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

Irish cop says,"License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says,"Ye didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says,"Ye still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Irish cop says, "The difference is, you didn’t come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you... I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. "The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

March 3, 2016

Day 3

Seamus walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have. Seamus replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order Seamus says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Finally the bartender asks Seamus what trouble he's talking about.
Seamus says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you".
The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night".
Seamus says "Ohh, now the trouble starts"
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Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.
He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
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The Garda, a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly.  After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up.  While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.
"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.
"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"
"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.
"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.
"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing."  And the Garda goes back to writing.
"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."
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Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day.  The wind was so loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
“It’s windy,” said one.
“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.
“So am I,” said the third.  “Let’s go and have a drink.”

March 2, 2016

Day 2

A double-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~An American lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that he can certainly outwit this common man from the countryside and entertain himself...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. “I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00” he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Internet. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500.00 The Irishman pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep. `````````````````````````````````Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs! ``````````````````````````````````Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in down town Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

March 1, 2016

Happy St. Patrick's Month

It's here again!  That wonderful time of the year when we all prepared for that wondrous holiday, St. Patrick's Day!  I hope you enjoy the next 17 days of laughs and groans as I share with you some of my favorite Irish jokes.

Slainte!

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'


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Wife :       'Do you want dinner?'  
Husband:       'Sure! What are my choices?'  
Wife:          'Yes or no.' 


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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

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Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

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I took my nephew out for his first drink
Off we went to our local pub which was only two blocks from the house. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Murphy’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Harp, Bass Ale, and the Smithwick’s.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push the stroller back home!