November 25, 2008


I went to Tampa for work on Monday and used the opportunity to hoist a few beers with Sarg, my college roomate. We met at one of his local watering holes and shared the BS for a while.

The conversation was typical - sports, wives, kids, young girls - and interupted only by the barmaid's discussion of tatoos......
........."Well, I do have one more here," she said, pointing innocently at her hip....."But we can't see that"..... "Oh, I don't mind, I'll show you.....

-And she did!! And the other barmaid had to show us where she had one removed! It took several long hard looks before we were convinced that the 8 laser treatments did the job...All in all it was the perfect cocktail hour for two dirty old men...

But I had to drive back to Orlando so Sarg provided me with directions home.....

....."Come out of the parking lot here into this mess of traffic and turn right at Fowler. Take it to 30th street - you can't miss it, and you'll drive past a few gas stations, a Hooters and....." And I never heard another word.....How could I get lost with such an easy to identify landmark along the way? And I was certain that out in front of Hooters there would be a big sign that said, "Hey Mooney, the Interstate is just up ahead."

It only took me 2 U-turns to finally drive past the Hooters without any idea of what lie ahead - or if this was the specific Hooters that Sarg had in mind. But what the heck, Florida isn't that wide, if I reach water, I just turn around and head back....

I finally relented and asked for directions - from my Blackberry. I found the Interstate and headed home. I was getting hungry though - "Hey look - there's a Hooters up ahead......"

November 21, 2008

Farmers vs. Bankers

A coworker scheduled an early meeting, and by early I mean at a time before I typically leave to drive into work. So I had to respond with a gentle and humorous explanation......

I break people down into 2 classifications, Farmers and Bankers, based on when they are most productive. Farmers are most productive early in the day, get most of their work done before breakfast, love to get up before the sun and get to the office early - and not just to get a good parking spot.

Bankers, on the other hand, realize that there are all of these farmers out there trying to get everything done real early and that it is dangerous to get in their way. Bankers realize that no matter how early in the day you arrive, you're still going to have to stay late to get the work done. Bankers take late lunches, enjoy cocktails before dinner, are typically night owls, and they get to the office just late enough to get a good parking spot because one of the farmers has already left the office to go to a meeting.

When a friend saw this they told me I was describing Democrats (Farmers) and Republicans........

October 20, 2008

Dream Series

So it comes down to this.  I have been coaching Little League teams of various ages for 7 years now.  Each year I have insisted that the kids need to be the Rays to support a Florida team.  "You can’t cheer for your dad’s team," I tell them. "You are Florida kids and you need to become fans of Florida teams."  There was always one kid who would ask, "So why do we have to be the Rays (Devil Rays)? Why can’t we be the Marlins?"  My response is always the same, "Because my Dad is a Phillies fan so we can’t be the Marlins."

Now, after all these years, I’ve got 3 of my own boys (and of course, my Florida born wife) cheering against me.  I’ve made contacts in the Rays marketing office who have been kind enough to send my teams equipment and leftover trinkets and giveaways. This past spring they made a significant contribution to our Little League after thieves broke into to our concession stand. This year there is a World Series that will interest my friends and family since so many of them know my plight – a Phillies fan who has been supporting the Rays since their inception. Just who will he root for?

I hope it goes 7 games with long balls, great defense, stolen bases and non-stop excitement.  I hope the media discovers the young ball players and seasoned managers who were overlooked last Spring as the focus remained on the usual suspects.

My living room is adorned with my now deceased dad’s Phillies jersey that he would wear to watch big games.  My kids are dressed in Devil Rays and TB Rays shirts and hats, dissing all of the Red Sox and Yankees fans they go to grade school with.
So who am I cheering for? I can honestly say that I will be happy whoever wins. But if it is at all telling, my computer desktop is a Rays logo. The Fall Classic is fun again……

July 16, 2008

Golfing with My Oldest Son

On the event of my son Eric’s 13th birthday, he expressed a desire to go golfing on a “Real” golf course rather than the Par 3 course we typically visit. It was quite a day and as you might imagine, he was more excited about the opportunity to drive the cart rather than play golf. As we approached the 1st Tee, I mentioned that he could hit from the Red tees as they were the Junior tees. He informed me that Uncle Rich said he should never ever hit from the Red Tees as they were only for girls. Thanks Uncle Rich, at least you didn’t share with him the penalty for not hitting your drive further than the Ladies tee.

During our round at the fine Twin Rivers golf course the 7th hole is an intimidating 175 yard Par 3 over water to an elevated “island” green (It only has water around 3 sides but it is referred to as the island green here). As Eric drove the cart up to the tee box – screeching the tires to a loud and typically Mooney entrance, he looked at the hole and very quietly asked if he could hit from the Red tees on this hole. This would still require him to have a 100 yard carry over the lake. I told him he could hit from the Junior tees at anytime. As we waited for the foursome on the green to finish, the gentleman occupying a sales tent on the tee box came over to tell us of his amazing offer – some discount card that we were not interested in. If we purchased a card we got a sleeve of balls. If we landed on the green, it was half-off the price, yada, yada, yada…..

The guy was a personable as a salesman can be and told Eric that if he made it over the water, he would give Eric a sleeve of balls, no obligation. This put even more pressure on the kid but he was excited to try. In typical Mooney fashion, he lined up his shot, aiming well left of the target. He made sure to keep his head down and began his swing with all of the strength and coordination his body could muster. As the gallery of two looked on the clubhead accelerated towards the ball, his body weight shifted, and the club followed a perfect arc, up through the warm Florida air, helicoptering 40 yards before shattering the quiet with a loud SPLASH! The ball sat atop the tee, untouched and still perfectly dry. The salesman and the young golfer looked at me in horror, wondering what my reaction would be…….And I let out my loudest laugh of a truly hysterical day just in time for another foursome to arrive at the tee box. The salesman gave Eric the sleeve of balls, thanking him for the best laugh he had in a while. Eric was Mooney enough to laugh at himself, take out his 3 Wood and promptly plunk one of his new balls into the drink. Before we left, the salesman asked Eric to pose for a picture than can be seen on his website.

And yes, I did clear the water and chipped up close enough to make par – and of course missed the putt……

March 19, 2008

Hot and Cold

It was quite a site. Warming and chilling at the same time......

It happened in downtown Orlando. As an over 50 married man, I rarely if ever see the night life of downtown. This occasion was only a return from a basketball game with the kids having parked away from the arena to save a few bucks.

As we made our way towards the car, up ahead I saw something that instantly awakened my libido. There, in the shadows of Pine Street were approaching some very long, shapely legs. These were not run of the mill ordinary limbs. These went on and on and on for what seemed like an eternity. And at the top of these legs were some very attractive torsos, topped by pretty young heads with meticulously arranged coiffures. I would guess that they were in their early 20s.

I don't know if they were very tall for their age, but that is the impression one gets when seeing legs go on that way. But before you get the feeling that I am obsessed with legs, let me mention what struck me as odd and perplexed me in the way that screams that I am now a parent.

Orlando in March can be a beautiful time of the year. In many cases, Spring has reached us and the weather is suitable for visits to the beach. This night was not one of those instances and the temperature was around 40. Now these pretty young girls must have had plans for quite some time to insist on wearing these particular outfits on this particular night because as hot as they looked, they were freezing their...legs off.

Their attire was, to say the least, flimsy. These dresses were the shortest I had ever seen outside of a strip club. (Not that I've been to one of those in eons either, but there are some memories that have not been blurred....) They were so short that as my 7 year old passed them I couldn't help but notice that his head was entirely below the hemline. My first thought was that they borrowed something from a little sister, but since all three of them shared the same style, I dismissed that thought as downright stupid. My next thought was, "How will they sit down?" but I determined that if their evening was successful, sitting was not something that was going to occur.

Of course there were no jackets, that would have ruined the effect. One can only hope that the warmth their vision brings to the male observer will reflect back in their direction as they wait in line outside of whatever nightclub they have targeted.

And my final thoughts, at least those that I am willing to share, was that I am ever so happy to have three boys. And I'm even happier for them that the miniskirt will never go away.....

March 18, 2008

Day 364

Okay, there are only 364 days until St. Patrick's Day!!! If you woke up counting, you didn't have a great night - or you're just obsessed with this sort of thing... :)

I do hope you had a grand St. Patrick's Day. And if your evening was extra special, please be sociable and remember to call her/him to keep the St. Patty's spirit alive!

March the 17th - Sleep the 18th!!!

Here is some bonus material for those loyal visitors who came back just to see if there was anything to feed the withdrawal symptoms that every Irishman goes through on the 18th.....

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all Winter."


"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh?" the priest asked at confession.
"I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "I'm goin' after the rest of it tonight!"


It was a cool and foggy night and Murphy was manning the radar. He radioed a message to an oncoming vessel, “Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.”

The reply from the vessel came quickly, “Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.”

Murphy replied: “Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.”

The vessel replied, “This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.”

Murphy repeated, “Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.”


Murphy’s calm reply was, “We are a lighthouse. Your call.”


The Garda, a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.

"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.

"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"

"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.

"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.

"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing.
"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."


The Pope was having a state visit with the Queen of England, when they decided they should make an appearance together. They came out onto the balcony of Windsdor Castle, and stood there for the crowd to cheer and take pictures. The Queen decided to have a bit of fun at the Pope's expense, and said to him,
"Watch this. With one wave of my hand, I can make every Englishman cheer for five full minutes."
She does so, and the Englishmen predictably applaud madly.
Not to be outdone, the Pope says to the Queen, "Very impressive. Now, watch me. With a nod of my head, I can make every Irishman in the crowd cheer for TEN minutes straight."
The Queen figures the Pope's just made an impossible offer, so she agrees to give him his chance. He stands, faces the crowd and head-butts the Queen.


Brendan Behan, late Irish author, was the soul of courtesy, but there were times when he could give back as good as he got.
Brendan and a friend were emerging from the Long Hall in Dublin during the Christmas season, and Brendan had the misfortune to bump into a lady laden with parcels, the result being to scatter her parcels all over the pavement.
Brendan promptly stooped to recover them from among the feet of the passers-by and restore them to her arms, but her ladyship's temper was not satisfied.
"I'd have you know," she declared angrily, "that my husband's a detective, and, if he was here, he'd take ye!"
This was too much for Brendan, who after all had done his best. "Ma'am," said he, "I don't doubt it for a second. If he took you, he'd take anything."


Casey and Flanagan went mountain climbing in the Alps and got cut off
by an avalanche. They were sheltering on a ledge when they saw a St. Bernard coming, with a little keg of brandy hanging around his neck.
Flanagan said, "Look! Here comes man's best friend."
Casey said, "And look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

March 17, 2008

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Finally, the day has arrived. I hope that you observed the weekend properly and enjoyed some singing and laughter with friends and family. If you did, you have observed the most important part of Irish culture.

If you've been keeping up through these past 17 days, hopefully you've found at least one of these jokes that is worth retelling. And if you've been reading through them and haven't been able to conjure up a smile, than this first one is for you:

“Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife or children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”


Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in down town Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."


A man gets a job in a natural history museum. His job is to stand next to this old dinosaur skeleton and talk about it.
Some students came in one day and asked him, “How old is that skeleton?”
The man replied, “65 million years and 7 months.”
The students exclaim, “Wow! How can you pinpoint the exact date and time?”
The man replies, “Well, when I came to work here, it was 65 million years old, and I’ve been here 7 months, now!”


A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”
The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the train is always running late, anyway.”
The man then said, “It certainly will be today - I’m the driver!”


Old Thomas O'Doherty was increasingly afflicted with terrible headaches as he aged. Eventually his love life began to suffer because of the headaches, so he decided to seek medical advice.
However, he went from one specialist to another without finding a cure. One day he went to see Dr. Flynn, who finally was able to solve Thomas’ headache affliction.
Said Dr. Flynn, "I have both good and bad news. The good news is I can cure your headaches, but the bad news is that the cure will require the surgical removal of your testicles.”
“I am afraid that you have an unusually rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The resulting pressure is creating one enormous headache, and the only way to ease the pressure is to take out your testicles.”
Poor Thomas took the news with both shock and despair. “Do I have anything left to live for?” He wondered.
But Thomas felt so anguished, he could not even formulate an answer to his own question. However, he finally decided that he had no choice. The testicles must go.
After the surgery as Thomas left the hospital, he rejoiced that his headaches were now gone. However, he felt depressed because an important part of himself was also gone.
While walking down the street, he realized that his life might now be greatly improved. He could now make a new beginning for himself and live a pain free life.
As he strode past a men's clothing store, Thomas thought, “A new suit would be a fitting celebration.”
After entering the shop Thomas told the salesman, “I have decided to treat myself to a new suit.”
After eyeing Thomas from head to toe, the salesman said, “You look like a size 44 long.”
Thomas was amazed and laughed, “however did you know?”
“It's my job,” replied the salesman.
Upon trying on a 44 long, Thomas found that it fit perfectly. As Thomas admired himself in the mirror, the salesman inquired, “Perhaps you would like a new shirt to compliment your new suit?"
Thomas responded, “Why not?”
Once again the salesman eyed Thomas’ neck and arms, saying, “Looks to me like a 16 and one half neck and a 35 sleeve.”
“That is amazing,” said Thomas. “But however did you know?”
“It's my job,” said the salesman.
As Thomas tried on the shirt, of course it fit perfectly. Then the salesman asked, “I believe that we have the perfect new shoes to go with your new suit!”
Thomas replied, “Let’s go for it!”
Once again the salesman’s magic eye perused Thomas’ feet, and he said, “I believe 9-1/2 E.”
Thomas was astonished, “Right again! However did you know?”
“It's my job,” responded the salesman.
Naturally, the shoes fit perfectly. As Thomas admired his new look in the mirror, the salesman said, “Underwear!”
Immediately Thomas replied, “Alright.”
As he eyed Thomas again the salesman said, “Size 36 waist.”
This time Thomas laughed, “It looks like I’ve got you this time. I have worn size 34 since I was only 18 years old.”
But the salesman shook his head saying, “Sir, you cannot wear a size 34. That would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one enormous headache.


Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake.
He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!


O’Brien, a retired electrical engineer, was attending the homecoming football game at his old alma mater, Notre Dame, one crisp fall afternoon. He had been talking football to a college freshman sitting next to him when the conversation turned to electronics and how quickly the world was now changing. The freshman said that it would be impossible for O’Brien’s generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the freshman said loud enough for the everyone nearby to hear.
"Today we have television, jet planes, and space travel,” the freshman continued. “Man has walked on the Moon, and our spaceships have visited Mars.”
“We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and…"
Suddenly O‘Brien interrupted the young student and also spoke loud enough to be heard by those nearby, "You're right. We didn't have those things when I was young; so we invented them. What the hell are you doing for the next generation?"

March 16, 2008

Day 16 - St. Patty's Eve

Humor is a large part of the Irish culture, and not just in the stories and jokes that are shared at the pub, here is some evidence of humor in everyday life in Ireland:

Sign on a Limerick shop: Out for lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.

Signs on Irish farm gates:
Horse Manure: 50p per pre-packed bag. 20p -do it your self.

The farmer allows walkers across the field for free, but the bull charges.

Notice on a Cork building site:
The shovels haven't arrived, and until they do, you'll have to lean on each other.

A particular favorite for theft is the road sign to one Co. Kerry village that reads: "Inch, 1 mile."

A Belfast newspaper reported on the launching of an aircraft carrier and recorded:
The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow and amid the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea.

A newspaper in Ireland published the headline:
Half the council are crooks, but was asked to retract it. The following week it ran the heading: Half the council are NOT crooks.

Ireland, reknown for storytelling, has produced many authors and politicians. Here are some quotes that demonstrate their wit, or lack thereof:

It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody. - Brendan Behan

"Burn everything British, except their coal." - Jonathan Swift

Little Boy: Mr. President, how did you become a war hero?
President Kennedy: It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. - Oscar Wilde

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it. - George Bernard Shaw

No man is an Ireland. - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going. - P. J. O'Rourke

It was a bold man who first swallowed an oyster. - Jonathan Swift

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"Why do you Irish always answer a question with a question?" asked President Franklin D. Roosevelt.
"Do we now?" came New York Mayor Al Smith's reply.


Lord John Dillon didn't smoke and couldn't stand any of the people who did. One morning as he was seated in the train carriage, an elderly Irishman sat opposite him and lit up his pipe.
Immediately Dillon said, "Look, my good man, this is a nonsmoking carriage and I wish that you would put that pipe away. Here is my card so that you know the important source from which this comes."
The elderly man looked at the card and put it in his pocket. However, he kept on smoking. This infuriated Dillon no end; hence, when the train stopped at a junction, Dillon got out from the carriage and began to look for a guard. When Dillon found the guard, he complained loudly and demanded that he oust the old man. The train guard went into the carriage and informed the old man that he must stop smoking. With that, the old man reached in his pocket and handed the guard Dillon's card.
"Oh, okay, your Lordship," and the guard tipped his hat and went on. When he came back to the platform, he said, "I'd like to stop him, but I don't dare. That's that old crazy politician Dillon with the blabber mouth. If I crossed him, it might cost me my job. You know what a revengeful ass he is."


The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument.
Finally, and Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"


Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."

March 15, 2008

Day 15

Let the celebration begin!! With all of the confustion of Holy Week, many an Irish Pub are beginning the celebration this evening - Not that we need a pub keeper to tell us when to start the party.....

Have a grand weekend and share some of these with those who ya meet!

Paddy was in America. He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let the Catholics across?"


Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"


A black, black night it was as Mick made his way homeward from the pub. Suddenly he heard a small voice crying for help and so, full of Guinness and good will to all men, he followed the sound 'til he came across the small figure of a leprechaun with his foot caught under a large stone. Mick freed the green-clad little fellow, helped him gently to his feet and made sure all was well.
"Good sir," said the leprechaun, bowing stiffly and low, "I am in your debt and wish to repay yer kindness. I would deem it a favor if ye'd accept three fairy wishes."
"Shure now that would be foine," said Mick.
"Make a wish then," said the little man, "and whatever ye want, 'twill be granted."
"Oi wish Oi had a bottle of stout," said Mick.
No sooner were the words spoken than a bottle appeared in Mick's hand. Gently he unscrewed the top and supped the bottle.
"Sir," interrupted the leprechaun, "I don't mean to be rushing ye, but I must get on and ye still have two more wishes to make."
"Well," said Mick, "Oi wish this bottle would never be empty."
"Done," said the manikin.
Mick had another swig and another and, sure enough, after each the bottle would replenish itself.
"Glory be," said Mick, dancing a small jig and supping some more.
"And what's your third wish?" the leprechaun inquired politely.
"Shure now," said Mick, waving his magic bottle, "Oi'll have another one of these."


Murphy said to his daughter, "I want you home by eleven o'clock."
She said, "But Father, I'm no longer a child!"
He said, "I know, that's why I want you home by eleven."

An Englishman and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey.
He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who say, "May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony."
The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irishman, whom replies:
"No thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!"

March 14, 2008

Day 14

The holiday is nearly upon us. In many locales around the World, St. Patrick's Day is being celebrated on the 15th to avoid conflict with the Catholic Church's Holy Week. The pessimist wants to know why they are tinkering with St. Patrick's Day; the optimist is thrilled that we have a three day celebration....

Poor Paddy was found dead, lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn.
Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard. Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.
Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!
They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”
They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor lad actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was.
They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."


O’Brien aspired to be an accountant, so he went down to take the Irish accountancy exam.
The examiner asked him, “If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”
O’Brien replied, “five.”
The examiner answered, “Five? No, now listen to me carefully once again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?”
Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”
The examiner was beginning to get flustered, so he said, “Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer do you have?”
“Four,” answered O’Brien.
“Good!” said the examiner. “Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”
Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”
Exasperated, the examiner pleaded, “How on earth do you figure that two lots of two rabbits equals five?”
Said O‘Brien, “I already have one rabbit at home.”


Father O’Malley, an Irish priest, and Rabbi Levine are involved in a car accident. As they both exit their cars and wobble toward the side of the road. Rabbi Levine says, “Oy vey! What a wreck!”
Father O’Malley asks him, “Are you all right, Rabbi?”
Rabbi Levine replies, “Yes. I am just shaken a little is all.”
The father withdraws a flask of whiskey from his coat saying, "Here, Rabbi. Drink some of this. It will calm your nerves."
The Rabbi gratefully accepts the flask, drinking it down while saying, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"
“Well," Father O’Malley replies, "I don't know what you’re apt to be telling them. But I'll be telling them I wasn't the one drinking."


Little Ryan had spilled the ink all over the classroom floor. The teacher came down and stood looking sternly at him. “Ryan,” she said, “If you spilled something at home, what would your mother do?” Ryan said, “Well, she wouldn’t just stand there like you, looking at it, she’d clean it up.”


"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," Katie said.
"How many," Murphy asked, "are you going to marry?"


Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time. After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

March 13, 2008

Day 13

Lucky 13! If you're enough lucky to be Irish...You're lucky enough!

The Luck of the Irish is legendary although there is some question as to whether it is good luck or bad luck......

A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."


Timothy met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?" "It was grand," said the priest.
Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?" And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"
Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?" The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"
He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?" The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?" Then the priest said, "By the way, Timothy, how many chances did you take?"
He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"


Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!


Casey came home from seeing the doctor looking very worried.
His wife said, "What's the problem?" He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."
She said, "So what, lots of people have to take a pill every day for the rest of their lives."
He said, "I know, but he only gave me four."


There’s a new concept pub opened-up in Ireland - it’s got mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night. Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub - he didn’t know about the mirrors.
He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”
Flanagan didn’t know about the mirrors either and he said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”
Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”
Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”

March 12, 2008

Day 12

With only 5 days to go, make sure that your green shirt is clean and that you've stocked up on the Irish Whiskey.......

Murphy stumbles into the front door of the pub and orders a drink, the bartender says,
"No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later Murphy comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink."
The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"
Five minutes later Murphy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk"
Murphy scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."


Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said,
"I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming.
She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."


Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered,
"Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Murphy said, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me."


The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Really, I’m O’Connor too. Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county. I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."


Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.
Father Murphy said, "Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me. I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?' And he dropped the darned thing and ran."

March 11, 2008

Day 11

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot. The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot. Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bullock would eat good grass. The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't. The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug. The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."


Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him,
"This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"


An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion.
"You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"
"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.


Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."


An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

March 10, 2008

Day 10

My apologies to those of you who checked in over the weekend to see if I was keeping up. Well, I wasn't because we are a busy family. There was hardly time for a beer this weekend....honestly! But worry not, I will make up for it during the next 7 days!!

He wasn't Irish, but he certainly had the spirit.....

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin


The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.


Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."


She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."


When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.
Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"
No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly,
"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"


O'Toole is a doctor but he's a bit henpecked by his wife. One evening the phone rang. It was from a professional colleague asking him to join some others for a game of poker. When he put the phone down, his wife said,
"Is it an emergency?"
He said, "Yes, there's four doctors there already."

March 7, 2008

Day 7

This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married.
He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while.
He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"
"I don't like her."

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"


A Roman Catholic priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass.
"Good morning,' Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. “I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church.”
"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.
"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great basilica at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."
Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?
"Deed I did , Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.
"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you.
"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Mr.O'Riley. Is he here?
"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."


O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted.
"I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

March 6, 2008

Day 6

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.


The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana.' Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"

The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.

"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.


McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"


The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death.
"Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."

Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"
"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks,

"Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:

"Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

March 5, 2008

Day 5

What a fine season this is. I took the boys to the local arena to watch the Globetrotters perform and a friend told me that they had no trouble picking me out of the crowd since I was the only one with the green hat and shirt on. I just don't understand why I would be the only one.......

This young Dublin fella comes home all excited to tell his ma he's fallen in love and going to get married.
He says: "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you just try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees, so the next day he brings along three beautiful and sits them down on the couch and they chat away for a while.
He then says: "Right, OK Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did ye know?"
"I don't like her."


There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says, "Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed." Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself." "No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya." Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! O.K., o.k. I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!! Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go." The keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!" Patty answers, No, no, no, I've got to go.

Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go passed the pub once again, they start in again, "Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!! Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go. They beg, "C'mon boy, just one." Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."

It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch. "Oh No!! I've got to go!!" Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells,v"Patty! It's after 11 o'clock!vWhat took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?" Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims,

"Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"


One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.

Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.

"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."


The ritual of the Irish wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. His neighbor Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"
Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea! "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

March 3, 2008

Day 4

I was in a discussion about the local parade with a friend who marched in it. While I had a difficult time understanding why it was so early in March, I had to admit that it certainly was an Irish event since it has a bit of controversy to it. All over the globe this year, there is discussion about when to observe St. Patrick's Day, for this year it falls during Holy Week, considered a time of sober reflection. Perhaps you haven't noticed but there is rarely any sober reflection during a St. Patrick's Day parade.

Anyway, I thank the City of Winter Park for hosting the parade and thanks to all those who marched.

Many towns in Ireland are observing the holiday early in order to keep Holy Week holy. However, the largest centers of Irish Culture (watch the oxymoron comments please), Dublin and New York City will be observing on the 17th.

So which are the shortest and the longest parade routes? The longest parade in the world takes place in New York, with a route that stretches over four miles, while the shortest in Dripsey, County Cork, Ireland, which is a mere twenty yards long — simply a parade between two pubs. I've been to New York and I hope to make it to Cork some day......

And now for todays laughs:

McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"


The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it doctor, I'll come back when you're sober."


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


Reginald, an English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews.

The first interview was with Antonio. Antonio knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Reginald asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.
Reginald did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a Frenchman, Rene, and he was even better than the first. Reginald asked Rene the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," Rene said stammering, "you have no ears."
Reginald again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.

Reginald was wary of the last interview for it was with a young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. Reginald was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.

Sean fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!"

Day 3

I'm not sure where you might be reading this from, but here in O'Rlando it is a beautiful sunny day, perfect for skipping work and sneaking out to a golf course - and for those of you who have reached that point in life where you don't have to sneak, you are living the life of Riley....

Riley is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!


The English stranger was seated next to Riley on the plane when he thought he would have some fun with the Irish traveler. He turned to Riley and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Riley, who had just opened a magazine, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What now would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the smirking Englishman. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Riley. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"My," said the Englishman. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Riley, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want
to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to Riley and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
Riley said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
Riley said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."


One night Riley and his wife are in bed when Riley hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
"What!" Riley yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face.
He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
"Just a guy wanting a push," Riley says.
"Why didn't you help him?" the Mrs. asks.
"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" Riley yells.
His wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy now, Riley gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"
The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!"
Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!"
"OVER HERE, ON YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.

March 2, 2008

Day 2

For some reason or another, our local St. Patrick's Day parade occurs today. I guess they have finally decided to celebrate the Month, rather than the day.

If you can't make it to the parade, raise your glass in toast to those who have made the sacrifice to march and entertain the throngs.

An old man living alone in South Armagh, whose only son was in Long Kesh Prison, didn’t have anyone to dig his garden for spring planting. So he wrote to his son about his predicament.
The son sent the reply, “For HEAVENS SAKE, don’t dig the garden up, that’s where I buried the guns!!!!!” At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours, but didn’t find any guns.
Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what he should do now? The son sent the reply: “NOW plant the potatoes!”


At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."


In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"One glass of brandy."
"A fight."


A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

February 29, 2008

Happy St. Patrick's Month 2009

It's Time!! The 2009 edition of the St. Patty's Month build up is happening. You will find some new, many old, some laughers, and some groaners, but hopefully all that depict the Irish Spirit.


This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"


A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."


She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."


A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'



I do hope you will enjoy these next 17 days!!