I'm not sure where you might be reading this from, but here in O'Rlando it is a beautiful sunny day, perfect for skipping work and sneaking out to a golf course - and for those of you who have reached that point in life where you don't have to sneak, you are living the life of Riley....
Riley is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
The English stranger was seated next to Riley on the plane when he thought he would have some fun with the Irish traveler. He turned to Riley and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Riley, who had just opened a magazine, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What now would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the smirking Englishman. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Riley. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"My," said the Englishman. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Riley, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want
to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to Riley and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
Riley said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
Riley said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."
One night Riley and his wife are in bed when Riley hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
"What!" Riley yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face.
He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
"Just a guy wanting a push," Riley says.
"Why didn't you help him?" the Mrs. asks.
"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" Riley yells.
His wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy now, Riley gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"
The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!"
Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!"
"OVER HERE, ON YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.