December 23, 2012
November 6, 2012
My dad was the Republican Committeeman and I was helping him at the polls. We voted in the basement of the Democratic Committeeman's house and it was the friendliest adversary I had ever met. It was a cold, cloudy, November day in Philadelphia and my job was to answer questions about the candidates and just be a runner for my Dad and his Democrat counterpart. I knocked on some doors and went with my Dad to pick up some of the older citizens to bring them to the polls. Republicans and Democrats rode in the back of my Dad's car for the short drive to the polling place. At one point I did not accompany my Dad on the ride as he needed the additional room in the car. It was really cold at this point and I learned from the Democrat how to survive these long election days as he brought a bottle of Wild Turkey down from his living room to help keep us warm. I was only 18, and while it was not my first drink, it was my first shot of good whiskey. It did the trick and warmed me enough to keep a smile on my face until the polls closed at 8:00.
I long for the days when the two parties can enjoy an election day together. I'm not sure that it can ever happen....
"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.
"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"
"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.
"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.
"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing.
"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."
The Irishman replies 'Hang on, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet!!'
August 29, 2012
One day Miss Murphy, the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer.
She read, "...and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling!"
The teacher then asked the class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"
Young Liam raised his hand and said, "I think he said, "Holy Shit! A talking chicken!"
Miss Murphy called recess as she was unable to teach for the next 20 minutes....
July 14, 2012
The language of love can very, very easily get lost in translation. What may be perfectly acceptable when dating in Ireland can warrant a well-aimed slap in the face in the U.S. Remember: it was America that invented “dating.” It’s not an Irish concept – but one that has been imported from across the Atlantic. And even though it’s an American import, the rules for dating in the U.S. differ vastly in many ways than the rules for dating in Ireland.
As such, this brief guide is intended for the Irish male who finds himself at a loss at what to do when dating an American girl. (We at Irishcentral.com take no responsibility for possible assaults, drinks over the head, etc. that can happen in the application of this guide. Use at your own risk!)
1. Try not to get too drunkThis especially applies when you are on a first date. Although Irish girls are often fairly unimpressed at the sight of their date slurring his words and talking to inanimate objects, in many cases, it is the Irish girl who is even more drunk than her partner for the evening, so this problem can be avoided, and the Irish male doesn’t have to be as careful in not getting too hammered. In general, however, American girls drink far, far less than Irish girls. And they can get pretty disgusted at the sight of their date making a total fool of himself. This rule is probably the most critical in this guide – but is one that the Irish male typically grapples with the most. Remember: Americans often go on dates that are non-alcohol related – which can involve things such as “cups of coffee” and not going to the pub. The standard response from the Irish male to this activity in this situation might be: But where will my confidence come from? It must come from within. When the date does take place in a pub or bar, the Irish male should take care to remember that the graph showing the relationship between pints and charm looks like this: it goes upwards initially, levels off after about three or four, and then at about six pints it takes a dramatic nosedive. In other words, it usually takes about six drinks before charm turns into sleaze.
2. Pay for everything
3. Play up the accentIf you have a fairly neutral Irish accent, then scrap it quickly – you won’t sound very “Irish” to the American girl you are trying to impress. Go and watch “Darby O’Gill and the Little People,” and try to talk like some of the characters in that movie. Sure, you won’t sound genuinely Irish – simply because no one in Ireland talks like that – but the girl you are on a date with won’t know that, and probably thinks that everyone in Ireland talks like Sean Connery in the 1959 classic. Throw in a few Irish expressions here and there – even ones we don’t really use, like, “To be sure, To be sure.” Add a few more that you know the girl won’t understand, thus making her curious, playing up your Irishness and impressing her.
4. Think of non-alcohol related date activitiesBe creative in where you take her. Remember (as per point one) that Americans are not nearly as pub-centric as Irish people and don’t need alcohol at every social occasion. Take her to an art exhibition and impress her with your knowledge of the early modernist period…
5. Be chivalrousYou don’t have to put your coat over a puddle of water on the sidewalk so she doesn’t wet her shoes, but you do have to hold doors open, pay for drinks (see point two), pull out her chair and so on. As a rule, you can’t go wrong with chivalry with American women.
6. Try not to talk about your motherYes, it is hard being away from home and yes, no one makes bacon and cabbage like your mother can, but try to keep these details to yourself. If you go on too much about your mother, you will reconfirm a stereotype that your date probably already has about Irish guys and their mammies. So keep the mum discussion to a minimum. On the other hand, your date may be relieved to hear that your mother has no interest in being her new best friend.
7. Make vague references to a troubled pastSome Americans have a romantic idea of Irish people as inherently troubled. This may make you seem more attractive in the eyes of the American you are pursuing, so play this up. If you had quite an idyllic childhood, then fabricate. Come out with lines like: "I remember the day the soldiers came to the village...They took every last man, woman and child...The screams, I still hear the screams...” before gazing away sadly into the distance. Refuse to elaborate, adding to your mystique.
8. Don't forget where you are fromYour true Irish character might frighten them, but that’s okay. You do not need to pretend you are the personality that they would imagine an Irish person to be. Let your bitterness, begrudgery and downto- earthiness shine. You might lose her, but you will still be YOU.
March 31, 2012
I have no desire to ever hike the Oregon Trail, nor do I particularly care to learn more about it than I did thirty-some years ago in high school. So should I stay or should I go? The drive home and back would burn an extra 2 gallons of gas in traffic, providing me with my baseline for the $8 break even analysis. And my target of opportunity was right there, across the street, with a beautiful window adorned with the name Connolly's. I have been here before, it is a fine local establishment that shared the culture and history of my ancestors and had nice old pictures on the walls. Pints of Guinness were $3.75..... So historical enrichment wins out - Connolly's it is.
Now that got me to pondering..... If I owned a Prius or other "green" vehicle, it would have been a no-brainer to drive home and come back in a couple of hours. Probably would have no even needed to use gas the whole ride and I could have silently rolled along the surface roads. So that lead me to the conclusion that once again these types of vehicles are bad for the economy as the $8 would not go to a gas station, or to the pub but would have just ended up being put towards my tax bill......
March 18, 2012
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four.....
March 17, 2012
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, one and all. I hope you have enjoyed a smile, a grin, or maybe even a laugh out loud during these 17 days. Many of these jokes are old classics and a few are new, but hopefully they all do what the Irish try to do, bring a little joy at our expense.
Enjoy the day and all the festivities. I’ll be sharing a few pints with some friends at Liam’s in Lake Mary and if you have an inkling, please come out and join me.
Officer O’Brien came across a crowd of people looking up at a man standing on a ledge.
“Don’t jump!” implored O’Brien. “Think of yer children.”
“I don’t have any children,” replied the man.
“Then think of yer wife.”
“I’m not married,” was the reply.
“Think of yer parents then lad.”
“I haven’t any parents.”
“Why then think of St. Patrick!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump ya bastard!!”
It was Christmas and the mood was festive. All the world put on a happy face and joy was the norm. Well, at least for most people. Not, unfortunately, for Brendan Quinn, a man of heavy heart, and no wonder. In the scramble to enjoy every minute of holiday, he'd hit the pub at 100 mph and before knowing it, had bought the world and his wife a drink. Suddenly he realised that, Noel or not, he was skint. What made it worse was that he'd not bought the turkey and ham for the Christmas dinner. What to do? How to explain it all to darling Betty? Think quick, Quinn, think quick or die.
As if the almighty were guiding his steps, Brendan found himself outside Daley's butcher's shop and there was Daley's dog. Bing! An idea formed in Brendan's brain and quick as you like he snatched up the dog and raced off to his garden shed. Grabbing his bicycle pump, he shoved the lead into the dog's mouth, gripped its jaws tight and began pumping air. Gradually little by little the dog began to swell. When it was about half as big again as normal he carried it back to Daley the butcher.
'Is this your dog?' he demanded.
'It is,' said Daley. 'But it looks bigger.'
'It certainly is bigger,' snorted Quinn. 'Because it's eaten our Christmas turkey and ham!'
'Many apologies,' spluttered Daley. 'Please let me make it up to you. Help yourself to turkey, ham, sausages and whatever else you want.'
Off skipped Quinn a man literally over the moon with satisfaction, to thoroughly enjoy the festive season.
It was New Year's Eve when he saw Daley again. As he passed the butcher's he noticed the front window smashed and Daley boarding it up.
'What happened?' asked Quinn. 'Burglars? Vandals?'
'No,' answered Daley. 'The strangest thing. I had just repaired a puncture on my bicycle and I got the pump to inflate the tire. The dog took one look at the pump and dived straight through the window!'
A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.
'Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,' ordered McGinty. 'And we'll get him to the hospital.'
Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.
Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.
'Will he live?' inquired the boys.
Too late,' said the doctor, 'he's a goner.'
'Was it loss of blood?' asked Finbar.
'No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,' sighed the doc.
'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in this sack can have both of them,' said Murphy.
'Three,' said Ranagan.
'That's near enough,' said Murphy.
"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," said Meagan.
"How many," her father asked, "are you going to marry?"
Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''
''Why? Don't ye believe me?''
Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.
After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"
O’Malley went into McCafferty’s Pub and ordered three pints at one time. The bartender asks O’Malley, “Now, tell me O’Malley, why would you be needin’ three pints all at the same time?”
O’Malley explained that each of his brothers just emigrated overseas, one to
So, each time that O’Malley came into McCafferty’s, he would order three pints at the same time.
This went on for years, until one day, O’Malley pulled himself up onto a barstool at McCafferty’s and ordered only two pints.
“Oh, no,” says the bartender. “Which of your brothers passed on? The one in
“Oh, it’s not that,” says O’Malley. “Both me brothers are just fine. Me doctor’s makin’ me give up the drink.”
Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”
Father O’Malley was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon young Sean trying to sell a lawnmower.
“Now son, how much ye be wantin’ for the mower?”" asked the good Father.
“Father, I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the priest asked, “Will ye take me bike in trade for it?”
Sean said, “You got a deal, Father!”
Father O’Malley took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. He called the little boy over and said, “I can't get this mower to start.”
The young Irisher said, “That's 'cause ya have to cuss at it to get it started.”
Father O’Malley said, “I'm a man of the Church, and I can't be speakin’ that way. It's been so long that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss.”
Young Sean was happily riding away and looked back at him and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!”
March 16, 2012
A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."
An American walks into Murphy’s Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.
Paddy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.
"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks, "If you don't mind my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"
To which Paddy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:
'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'
'Hang on, Sister,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgment when you've never tasted the stuff?'
'Very well,' said Sister Marie. ‘I’ll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'
'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.
'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'
'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Two eighty-year-olds were watching TV.
'Pat, me darling,' said Mary. 'Would you ever do me a favour? Would you go into the kitchen and get me some ice cream out of the freezer?'
'I will,'said Pat.
'Well, shall I write it down for you?' asked Mary. 'Because your memory's not what it was.'
'Don't be daft, woman. I can remember a simple thing like a plate of ice cream,' snorted Pat.
'Yes, but I was thinking of having a little chocolate sauce poured on it, so I'd better write it down.'
'Good God in heaven,' bawled Pat. 'I'm not stupid you know. I can remember ice cream with chocolate sauce.'
'Yes, but do you know those sprinkle decorations. I was thinking of a sprinkling of them on top. I'd better draw a picture,' said Mary.
'You'll do no such thing,' said Pat. 'I can remember ice cream, chocolate sauce and hundreds and thousands. Just hang on a minute.'
Hang on Mary did, one minute, ten, twenty, forty. Eventually, Pat returned carrying a tray. On the tray was a plate. On the plate was an egg, bacon and sausage.
'See, I told you. I should have written everything down,'said Mary.
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
March 15, 2012
Reginald, an English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews.
The first interview was with Antonio. Antonio knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Reginald asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.
Reginald did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a Frenchman, Rene, and he was even better than the first. Reginald asked Rene the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," Rene said stammering, "you have no ears."
Reginald again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.
Reginald was wary of the last interview for it was with a young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. Reginald was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.
Sean fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no effin’ ears!"
O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile to his lips.
"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly.
"Give me just a small bit of that stuff you're cookin."
"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly. "I'm savin' it for the wake!"
O'Malley's daughter was on her way home from work one night by bus and it was raining heavily. When she reached her stop, she jumped off the bus and began to run to her house a couple of streets away. She heard footsteps behind her and, looking around, she saw a man following her. She reached home, hammered on the door and her mother let her in.
She said, "Oh, mother, a man ran after me."
Her mother said, "I know." as the man came in the gate. "It was your father, he went to meet you with your raincoat and umbrella."
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
March 14, 2012
The Clancy twins decided to go camping for the weekend although neither had been out of the city in their lives and both were totally ignorant of the ways of the countryside. Seeking information they chatted to a farmer whose field they were about to rent.
'Could you tell us,' asked Mick, 'why that cow over there hasn't got any horns?'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'there are lots of reasons why cows don't have horns. They can be born with a crumpled horn and it has to be cut off for its own safety. It can be a specific type which has been bred to be hornless. But the real reason why that cow hasn't got any horns is because it's a horse!
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Jameson's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
Murphy, O'Brien & Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.
Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says, “That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Mahoney left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery.
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, Mahoney woke up.
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", Mahoney said.
He got out...
March 12, 2012
The 13th of March, a short 4 days before the big event!! Much is said about the Luck of the Irish, but truthfully, it’s not good luck that makes us a happy bunch, it is the willingness to laugh at our bad luck…..
A man walks out of a house in Belfast. Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."
My Uncle Tim met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?" "It was grand," said the priest. Tim said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?" And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"
Uncle Tim said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?" The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"
He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the
He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky!"
Legionnaire Molloy had become detached from the regiment and wandered aimlessly across the burning desert sand. Hour after hour, day after day, he trudged on, water all gone, almost totally dehydrated. At almost his last breath he rounded a sand dune and there stood an immaculately dressed Arab with a tray around his neck.
'Water, water, for God's sake give me water,' screamed Molloy.
'Do you want to buy a tie?' asked the Arab.
'Indeed I don't,' said Molloy, and stumbled on.
Two miles later he came across a second Arab, again immaculately dressed, a tray around the neck.
'Water, water - you must give me water!' mumbled Molloy.
'No water, effendi. But do you want to buy a tie?' said the Arab.
'I don't, I don't,' bellowed Molloy and on he stumbled.
Two miles later he couldn't believe his eyes. Mirage? No! It was for real - a beautiful hotel set in an oasis, swimming pool, golf course, tennis courts. Up the steps shuffled Molloy, calling:
'Thank God I'm saved. Water, please, water!'
Out stepped a smartly dressed doorman who said:
'I'm sorry sir, but you can't come in if you're not wearing a tie!'
Three clergymen, one from Belfast, one from Derry and one from Ballymena, were discussing how to make a little profit out of the Sunday collection.
'Well,' said the Belfast clergyman, 'after I've taken all the collection I just dip my hand in and take a handful, and that does me.'
'I think that's erring a little on the righteous side,' said the Derry clergyman. 'I think it's fairer to divide it in half.'
'Not at all,' said the Ballymena clergyman. 'The most Christian way is to throw all the money up in the air. What stays up is God's, and what comes back down is mine.'
Seamus walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have. Seamus replies "A beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order Seamus says, "A beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts."
Finally the bartender asks Seamus what trouble he's talking about.
Seamus says, "Give me a beer and I might just tell you."
The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night."
Seamus says, "Ohh, now the trouble starts."
Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in down town Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
O’Brien, a retired electrical engineer, was attending the homecoming football game at his old alma mater, Notre Dame, one crisp fall afternoon. He had been talking football to a college freshman sitting next to him when the conversation turned to electronics and how quickly the world was now changing. The freshman said that it would be impossible for O’Brien’s generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the freshman said loud enough for the everyone nearby to hear.
"Today we have television, jet planes, and space travel,” the freshman continued. “Man has walked on the Moon, and our spaceships have visited Mars.”
“We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and…"
Suddenly O‘Brien interrupted the young student and also spoke loud enough to be heard by those nearby, "You're right. We didn't have those things when I was young; so we invented them. What the hell are you doing for the next generation?"
Little Katie was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Katie?"
"My goldfish died," replied Katie tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Katie patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."
March 11, 2012
O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.
At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted. "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."
In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"One glass of brandy."
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
March 9, 2012
Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."
Murphy stumbles into the front door of the pub and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later Murphy comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink."
The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"
Five minutes later Murphy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk."
Murphy scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."
A new pub opened-up in Ireland and it had mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night.
Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub – too inebriated to recognize the mirrors. He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”
Flanagan said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”
Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”
Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.’
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned.'
Okay, this weekend is the final rehearsal. Go scope out the Irish bars now before they are too crowded to get a parking spot. Make sure that you establish a relationship with the bartender (that means tip big) so that they will recognize you next Saturday when it’s a bit more crowded. And practice up on those Irish standards, “When Irish Eyes are Smiling,” “Danny Boy,” “The Girl with the Black Velvet Band,” “McNamara’s Band,” “My Wild Irish Rose,” and of course, “It’s a Great Day for the Irish.” And if you happen to remember more than the chorus, they’ll think you just stepped off the boat….
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."
In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."
Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
March 8, 2012
For those of you in Central Florida today we have another opportunity for the Wearing O’ the Green. Downtown Sanford’s “Alive After 5” will be having their annual Celebrate the Irish evening. Live music and beer on the streets! There’s other crap too at these things but I haven’t really noticed what else there was……
Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."
Police in the Republic of Ireland, the Garda, have been chasing a mysterious and impossible to find Polish driver who has apparently committed more than 50 motoring offences.
Officers had been puzzled how the mysterious "Prawo Jazdy" had always produced his documents, but each time with a different address.
They have now discovered the embarrassing truth after checking with the Polish embassy….. "Prawo Jazdy" is Polish for "driving license" and is printed on all Polish licenses.
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.
His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."
Paddy, a pick pocket, was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Murphy you are hereby fined $100."
His lawyer was his brother Sean who stood up and said "Thanks, yer honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day. The wind was so loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
“It’s windy,” said one.
“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.
“So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and have a drink.”
March 7, 2012
An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
"I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'
O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
March 6, 2012
The ritual of the Irish wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"
Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea, but we’ll need to fetch some chairs. "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me."
Murphy goes into the parlor and says to the people at the wake, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"
Father Lynch concludes Sunday Mass by telling the congregation, "Next Sunday I am going to speak on the subject of lying. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."
The following Sunday, the good Father says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.
Father Lynch continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."
Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.
He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
Casey was home from overseas with his wife and small daughter. They were going through the customs at the airport and the little girl watched the customs officer as he went through their luggage.
Suddenly she said to the customs man, "Keep going, you're getting warmer!"
March 5, 2012
Monday after the parade is usually a day for recovery. In those towns who celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with civic pride on the day have the motto, “March the 17th, sleep the 18th.” And while the parade seemed a bit shorter than in years past, the kids came home with smiles and enough candy to undo all the good volunteering they did on Saturday for the Juvenile Diabetes fund…..
Dr. Haggerty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him,
"This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Haggerty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "Just for a little hearing??"
Murphy was out shopping with his wife and had been at it for most of the afternoon.
Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her husband's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you"???
Her husband responds by saying: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw that diamond necklace which you totally fell in love with, and remember how I told you I didn't have much money at the time but said, 'Lass, it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile in her voice, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."
Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to that place."
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."
March 4, 2012
Off to the Parade!!
Yes, it is Central Florida’s time to begin the celebration as the annual parade down Park Avenue happens this afternoon. Hope these get you in the mood…..
How did the custom of parading on St Patrick's Day emerge? It seems that battalions of Irish regiments in North America were the first to march on St Patrick's Day. This was, of course, a typical way for military servicemen to perform. But civilian forms of parading also gradually evolved on the 17th of March — particularly as the population of Irish immigrants grew rapidly in the post-Famine years. Various Irish fraternal groups, such as the Hibernians, as well as Catholic parishes and schools, either marched as a group or put together horse-drawn floats.
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
More about parading: which are the shortest and the longest parade roots? The longest parade in the world takes place in New York, with a route that stretches over four miles, while the shortest in Dripsey, County Cork, Ireland, which is a mere twenty yards long — simply a parade between two pubs.
At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."
On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."
Toward the end of the Sunday Mass, the priest asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Priest then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named James O'Brien, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr.O'Brien, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. O'Brien, that is very unusual l. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. O'Brien, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The old Irishman tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."