Monday after the parade is usually a day for recovery. In those towns who celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with civic pride on the day have the motto, “March the 17th, sleep the 18th.” And while the parade seemed a bit shorter than in years past, the kids came home with smiles and enough candy to undo all the good volunteering they did on Saturday for the Juvenile Diabetes fund…..
Dr. Haggerty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him,
"This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Haggerty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "Just for a little hearing??"
Murphy was out shopping with his wife and had been at it for most of the afternoon.
Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
The somewhat irate spouse called her husband's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you"???
Her husband responds by saying: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw that diamond necklace which you totally fell in love with, and remember how I told you I didn't have much money at the time but said, 'Lass, it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile in her voice, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."
Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to that place."
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."