Okay, this weekend is the final rehearsal. Go scope out the Irish bars now before they are too crowded to get a parking spot. Make sure that you establish a relationship with the bartender (that means tip big) so that they will recognize you next Saturday when it’s a bit more crowded. And practice up on those Irish standards, “When Irish Eyes are Smiling,” “Danny Boy,” “The Girl with the Black Velvet Band,” “McNamara’s Band,” “My Wild Irish Rose,” and of course, “It’s a Great Day for the Irish.” And if you happen to remember more than the chorus, they’ll think you just stepped off the boat….
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."
In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."
Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.
He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".