Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."
Murphy stumbles into the front door of the pub and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."
A few minutes later Murphy comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs "give me a drink."
The bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"
Five minutes later Murphy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says "You're too drunk."
Murphy scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."
A new pub opened-up in Ireland and it had mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night.
Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub – too inebriated to recognize the mirrors. He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”
Flanagan said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”
Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”
Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.’
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied, 'Your horse phoned.'