With only 10 days to go, let's learn a bit of history about the day....Why the 17th of March? This is widely believed to be the day that Patrick died. In its early years, the 17th of March was named the "Festival of St Patrick's Falling Asleep". It involved religious sermons about the life and work of Patrick, followed by celebratory activities, such as dancing, music, and perhaps even a little drinking.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No."
The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No."
Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said,
"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella.
Father Murphy said, "Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly. It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped. Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me. I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?' And he dropped the darned thing and ran."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flanagan came home at four o'clock in the morning half drunk, and all his wages spent. His wife said, "How did you spend all your wages?"
He said, "I bought something for the house."
She said, "What could you buy for the house that cost so much?"
He said, "Eight rounds of drinks."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Applications for jobs on a government dam project had to take a written examination. The first question was: What does hydrodynamics meant?
Casey, who was an applicant, hesitated for a moment, then wrote, "It means that I don't get the job."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
March 7, 2009
March 6, 2009
Day 7
It's the weekend and that new bottle of Jameson's is tempting me so much that a wee drop might be good for the soul.
I've dug deep into the collection for some of these, I hope they make you chuckle :)
Said the lost balloonist to Casey in the field, "Ahoy below, where am I?"
Casey shouted up to him, "You can't fool me, yer up there in that little basket!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young Ryan was staying with his Grandmother, and she was having great difficulty getting him to wash his face every morning.
The Granny said, "When I was your age I used to wash my face three times a day."
Young Ryan said, "Yes, and look at it now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor said to Flanagan, "The best thing for you to do is to give up drinking and smoking."
Flanagan said, "What's the second best thing?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Casey was home from overseas with his wife and small daughter. They were going through the customs at the airport and the little girl watched the customs officer as he went through their luggage.
Suddenly she said to the customs man, "Keep going, you're getting warmer!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon came home after a hard day working on the land. He found the house in a complete mess, and there was no dinner ready.
"What's wrong?" he asked his wife.
She said, "Do you remember this morning, when you asked me what on earth I did here all day? Well today I didn't do it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grannie Hennessey was 90 and her eyesight was beginning to fail. She was staying with her son and family. One day whe wasn't feeling well, so Hennessey sent for the doctor who came and examined her. The doctor came down stairs and said, "There's nothing to worry about, Grannie is in good shape for her age."
Hennessey's wife dashed upstairs and gave Grannie the good news and told her the doctor said she's fine.
Grannie said, "Oh, that was a doctor......I thought he was a bit familiar for a priest."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Toole volunteered to take care of the children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to be and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. At 10:00 the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien.
She asked if her son was there. O'Toole said, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Casey's daughter had invited her boyfriend to their house and Casey was showing the young man his garden. The young man was impressed with the flowers and vegetables and said, "How do you get such lovely vegetables and flowers?"
Casey said, "Buckets of manure."
The daughter listening said to her mother, "Ma I wish you'd get Dad to say fertilizer instead of manure."
The mother said, "My poor child, it's taken me 10 years to get him to say manure."
I've dug deep into the collection for some of these, I hope they make you chuckle :)
Said the lost balloonist to Casey in the field, "Ahoy below, where am I?"
Casey shouted up to him, "You can't fool me, yer up there in that little basket!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Young Ryan was staying with his Grandmother, and she was having great difficulty getting him to wash his face every morning.
The Granny said, "When I was your age I used to wash my face three times a day."
Young Ryan said, "Yes, and look at it now."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doctor said to Flanagan, "The best thing for you to do is to give up drinking and smoking."
Flanagan said, "What's the second best thing?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Casey was home from overseas with his wife and small daughter. They were going through the customs at the airport and the little girl watched the customs officer as he went through their luggage.
Suddenly she said to the customs man, "Keep going, you're getting warmer!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon came home after a hard day working on the land. He found the house in a complete mess, and there was no dinner ready.
"What's wrong?" he asked his wife.
She said, "Do you remember this morning, when you asked me what on earth I did here all day? Well today I didn't do it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Grannie Hennessey was 90 and her eyesight was beginning to fail. She was staying with her son and family. One day whe wasn't feeling well, so Hennessey sent for the doctor who came and examined her. The doctor came down stairs and said, "There's nothing to worry about, Grannie is in good shape for her age."
Hennessey's wife dashed upstairs and gave Grannie the good news and told her the doctor said she's fine.
Grannie said, "Oh, that was a doctor......I thought he was a bit familiar for a priest."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O'Toole volunteered to take care of the children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to be and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. At 10:00 the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien.
She asked if her son was there. O'Toole said, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Casey's daughter had invited her boyfriend to their house and Casey was showing the young man his garden. The young man was impressed with the flowers and vegetables and said, "How do you get such lovely vegetables and flowers?"
Casey said, "Buckets of manure."
The daughter listening said to her mother, "Ma I wish you'd get Dad to say fertilizer instead of manure."
The mother said, "My poor child, it's taken me 10 years to get him to say manure."
March 5, 2009
Day 6
I hope that this first week of the St. Patty's humor epistles has been enjoyable. The most difficult part of this is deciding which jokes to share. Believe it or not, I have way more than I lay out here each year. Hopefully some of these are ones that are new or at least not too old :)
One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.
"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.
"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.
The wife, slightly angry now, says,
"Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of
the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out,
"Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"
The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again,
"WHERE?!"
"Over here, on your swing set!" the drunk yells back.
A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Casey and Flanagan went mountain climbing in the Alps and got cut off by an avalanche.
They were sheltering on a ledge when they saw a St. Bernard coming, with a little keg of brandy hanging around his neck.
Flanagan said, "Look! Here comes man's best friend."
Casey said, "And look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says.
"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks.
"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells.
The wife, slightly angry now, says,
"Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of
the night? I think you should help him."
Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out,
"Where are you? You said you wanted a push!"
The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again,
"WHERE?!"
"Over here, on your swing set!" the drunk yells back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
"I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Casey and Flanagan went mountain climbing in the Alps and got cut off by an avalanche.
They were sheltering on a ledge when they saw a St. Bernard coming, with a little keg of brandy hanging around his neck.
Flanagan said, "Look! Here comes man's best friend."
Casey said, "And look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
March 4, 2009
On the 5th day of St. Patty's, the wee folk gave to me......
The thing about Irish jokes, at least good Irish jokes, is that they are close to real life - or at least plausible. I don't much go for the "dumb" jokes as they don't really describe the Irish, they just show our good nature and ability to laugh at ourselves. But be advised that if you persist on sharing your "dumb" Irish jokes, you may stumble across another well documented Irish characteristic, and I don't mean our willingness to buy a round of drinks.....
In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.
"Next?"
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"Next?"
"One glass of brandy."
"Next?"
"A fight."
Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."
An 80-year-old Irishmen goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
“I'm Irish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of Whiskey and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Irish golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little whiskey and that's why he's still alive. He's Irish and he's a golfer, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Irish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'
O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four glasses of ale," was the reply.
"Next?"
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"Next?"
"One glass of brandy."
"Next?"
"A fight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An 80-year-old Irishmen goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
“I'm Irish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of Whiskey and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Irish golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little whiskey and that's why he's still alive. He's Irish and he's a golfer, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Irish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'
O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
March 3, 2009
Day 4
With less than 2 weeks to go, I implore you to get your shopping finished early. Even with the recession we are battling, there is sure to a run on the essential staples of life around this time of year - Irish Whiskey, corned beef, cabbage and tacky green shirts :)
Mrs. Casey had reached the grand age of 104. She was the oldest living being in County Cork. The newspaper sent a reporter to interview the old woman about her longevity.
"Have you ever been bedridden?" asked the newsman.
"Oh, many times," replied Mrs. Casey. "An' once in a canoe, too!"
Paddy had just come off the boat into New York and spent the first few days just wandering about the city. One afternoon he walked into a saloon and saw a sign behind tghe bar that read: ALL THE BEER YOU CAN DRINK FOR $1
"Okay, bartender," said Paddy. "Gimme two dollars worth."
Father Callahan was at a pitch of fervor in his sermon on drinking. "What could be worse than drink?" he boomed.
"Thirst!" shouted Hannigan from the rear.
"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," Katie said.
"How many," Murphy asked, "are you going to marry?"
Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.
Mrs. Casey had reached the grand age of 104. She was the oldest living being in County Cork. The newspaper sent a reporter to interview the old woman about her longevity.
"Have you ever been bedridden?" asked the newsman.
"Oh, many times," replied Mrs. Casey. "An' once in a canoe, too!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy had just come off the boat into New York and spent the first few days just wandering about the city. One afternoon he walked into a saloon and saw a sign behind tghe bar that read: ALL THE BEER YOU CAN DRINK FOR $1
"Okay, bartender," said Paddy. "Gimme two dollars worth."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Father Callahan was at a pitch of fervor in his sermon on drinking. "What could be worse than drink?" he boomed.
"Thirst!" shouted Hannigan from the rear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," Katie said.
"How many," Murphy asked, "are you going to marry?"
This one is one of the classics.....
Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.
Day 3 - Some Irish Quotes
As you may, or may not know, we Irish like to talk a lot. Just to get a feel for the Irish mystique, here are some quotes regarding the Irish:
"We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English."
- Winston Churchill
"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift
"I only drink on two occasions - When I am thirsty and when I'm not thirsty."
- Brendan Behan
"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."
- Sigmund Freud (speaking about the Irish)
"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
- Irish Soccer superstar George Best
"I used to go missing quite alot...Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World."
- George Best
"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
- Brendan Behan
"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
- Quentin Crisp
"The most important thing to remember about drunks is that drunks are far more intelligent than non-drunks. They spend a lot of time talking in pubs, unlike workaholics who concentrate on their careers and ambitions, who never develop their higher spiritual values, who never explore the insides of their head like a drunk does."
- Shane MacGowen, lead singer/songwriter for The Pogues.
"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bagpipes and called it music."
- source unknown
"Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf."
- Irish saying
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- Flannery O’Connor, Irish Writer
Of course it wouldn't be a daily joke entry if I didn't provide you with some true Irish jokes. Rather than provide you with more of my archive entries, I want to expose you to the wit, wisdom, and Irish humor of one of the Emerald Isle's best comedians. I point you in the direction of Tommy Tiernan.
And just so you don't feel cheated.......
A woman from Co. Kerry hired three men to move her furniture. When she saw two of them struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the third fellow was. “Oh, he’s in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling!”
"We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English."
- Winston Churchill
"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift
"I only drink on two occasions - When I am thirsty and when I'm not thirsty."
- Brendan Behan
"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."
- Sigmund Freud (speaking about the Irish)
"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
- Irish Soccer superstar George Best
"I used to go missing quite alot...Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World."
- George Best
"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
- Brendan Behan
"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
- Quentin Crisp
"The most important thing to remember about drunks is that drunks are far more intelligent than non-drunks. They spend a lot of time talking in pubs, unlike workaholics who concentrate on their careers and ambitions, who never develop their higher spiritual values, who never explore the insides of their head like a drunk does."
- Shane MacGowen, lead singer/songwriter for The Pogues.
"The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bagpipes and called it music."
- source unknown
"Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf."
- Irish saying
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
- Flannery O’Connor, Irish Writer
Of course it wouldn't be a daily joke entry if I didn't provide you with some true Irish jokes. Rather than provide you with more of my archive entries, I want to expose you to the wit, wisdom, and Irish humor of one of the Emerald Isle's best comedians. I point you in the direction of Tommy Tiernan.
And just so you don't feel cheated.......
A woman from Co. Kerry hired three men to move her furniture. When she saw two of them struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the third fellow was. “Oh, he’s in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling!”
March 2, 2009
Day 2
The first Monday in March is the official warm-up day for St. Patrick's Month. It's time to make sure that your stock of Irish Whiskey is ample. Have you got that all important date lined up for the big day? More importantly, have you got that more important designated driver lined up?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Garda (the Irisher term for the police), a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.
"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.
"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"
"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.
"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.
"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing. "...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."
"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.
"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"
"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.
"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.
"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing. "...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.
Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"
No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly, "Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"
Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"
No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly, "Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ritual of the Irish wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man lying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. His neighbor Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"
Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea! "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"
Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea! "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"
March 1, 2009
Happy St. Patrick's Month 2009
It's Time!! The 2009 edition of the St. Patty's Month build up is happening. You will find some new, many old, some laughers, and some groaners, but hopefully all that depict the Irish Spirit.
She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
'Denephew.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do hope you will enjoy these next 17 days!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!! The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
'Denephew.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do hope you will enjoy these next 17 days!!
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