March 18, 2010

March the 17th, sleep the 18th......

If only it were possible.....but with kids and work the option of sleeping off a wonderful night of celebrating is not to be......but, I will survive. There are only 364 days until I do it all over again..... :)

The Donegal definition of a hangover: "Something occupying a head that wasn't used the night before."


The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."


The English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. His secretary had set up three interviews for him, with an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Irishman.

The first interview was with the Italian. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, the Englishman asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.

The Englishman did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with the Frenchman and he was even better than the first. The Englishman asked the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

"Well," stammered the Frenchman, "you have no ears."

The Englishman again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.

He was wary of the last interview with the young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. The Englishman was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.

Sean fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!"

March 17, 2010

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Today's Irish Quote:

"Mr. Speaker, I said the hounourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases."

Richard Sheridan
Irish playwright and politician, 1780


Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun.

"Don't jump," she said, and I'll grant you three wishes."

"Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."

She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."

He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."

She said, "They will be there when you get home."

He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."

She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted."

Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me."

He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.

She said, "What age are you?"

He replied, "I'm forty."

She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?"


Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the mental hospital and he hears the residents inside chanting,

"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"


His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.

"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.

"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.


Officer O’Brien came across a crowd of people looking up at a man standing on a ledge.

“Don’t jump!” implored O’Brien. “Think of yer children.”

“I don’t have any children,” replied the man.

“Then think of yer wife.”

“I’m not married,” was the reply.

“Think of yer parents then lad.”

“I haven’t any parents.”

“Why then think of St. Patrick!”

“Who’s St. Patrick?”

“Jump ya bastard!!”


LIttle Sean had spilled the ink all over the classroom floor. The teacher came down and stood looking sternly at him.

"Sean," she said, "if you spilled something at home, what would your mother do?"

Sean said, "Well, she wouldn't just stand there lik you, looking at it, she'd clean it up."


There’s a new concept pub opened-up in Ireland - it’s got mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night.

Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub - he didn’t know about the mirrors. He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”

Flanagan didn’t know about the mirrors either and he said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”

Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”

Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”


A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"


"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"


March 16, 2010

Day 16

Today's Irish Quote:

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."

Soccer superstar George Best


There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says,

"Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed."

Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself."

"No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya."

Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! Okay, okay, I'll go right away."

So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way. As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!

Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go."

They keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!"

Patty answers, “No, no, no, I've got to go.”

Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go past the pub once again, they start in again,

"Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!

Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go."

They beg, "C'mon boy, just one."

Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."

It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch.

"Oh No!! I've got to go!!"

Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells,

"Patty! It's after 11:00! What took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?"

Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims, "Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"


An Englishman and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey.

He hands the bottle to the Englishman, who say, ''May the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.''

The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irishman, whom replies, ''No thanks, I'll just wait till the police get here!''


O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of Jameson’s in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.

“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood.”

March 15, 2010

Day 15

Today's Irish Quote:

This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.

Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)

"I shall hold this case in camera," said the Irish judge.

"What does that mean?" asked the witness.

"Well," said the judge, "I know what it means, and the jury knows what it means you just tell us what happened on the night of June 1st."

"I went to a dance," related the witness, "and Mary asked me to see her home. It was a fine evening and after we'd crossed a field we sat on a stile in the moonlight and I put my arm around her. After that, there was a little mushy, sweety-pie palaver."

"And what, pray, does that mean?" asked the judge.

The reply came quickly: "I know what it means, the jury knows what it means, and if you'd been there with your camera, judge, you'd know what it means."


O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien. She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted.

"I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."


Thomas Delaney met the parish priest and said, "Father, wasn't it a lovely bazaar we had two weeks ago?"

"It was grand," said the priest.

Delaney said, "Incidentally, those automobiles that we had for prizes, who won the Cadillac?"

And the priest said, "It so happens Father Duffy won the Cadillac. Wasn't he lucky?"

Delaney said, "That he was. And the Oldsmobile we had there? Who won the Oldsmobile?"

The priest said, "Well, Monsignor Fogarty won the Oldsmobile. Wasn't he lucky?"

He said, "Yes, that he was. And the last car, the Plymouth, who won that?"

The priest said, "Well, Bishop Donahue won that. Wasn't he lucky?"

Then the priest said, "By the way, Thomas, how many chances did you take?"

He said, "I didn't take any. Wasn't I lucky"


Dr. Haggerty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness. Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.

"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"

"You'll have to," said Dr. Haggerty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."

"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "Just for a little hearing??"


When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.

Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"

No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions. Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly,

"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

March 14, 2010

Day 14

Today's Irish Quote:

"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.

"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."

"Who were the five?" asked a listener.

"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."

"But you said there were five and you count only four."

"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."


A black, black night it was as Mick made his way homeward from the pub. Suddenly he heard a small voice crying for help and so, full of Guinness and good will to all men, he followed the sound 'til he came across the small figure of a leprechaun with his foot caught under a large stone. Mick freed the green-clad little fellow, helped him gently to his feet and made sure all was well.

"Good sir," said the leprechaun, bowing stiffly and low, "I am in your debt and wish to repay yer kindness. I would deem it a favor if ye'd accept three fairy wishes."

"Shure now that would be foine," said Mick.

"Make a wish then," said the little man, "and whatever ye want, 'twill be granted."

"Oi wish Oi had a bottle of stout," said Mick.

No sooner were the words spoken than a bottle appeared in Mick's hand. Gently he unscrewed the top and supped the bottle.

"Sir," interrupted the leprechaun, "I don't mean to be rushing ye, but I must get on and ye still have two more wishes to make."

"Well," said Mick, "Oi wish this bottle would never be empty."

"Done," said the manikin.

Mick had another swig and another and, sure enough, after each the bottle would replenish itself.

"Glory be," said Mick, dancing a small jig and supping some more.

"And what's your third wish?" the leprechaun inquired politely.

"Shure now," said Mick, waving his magic bottle, "Oi'll have another one of these."