Today's Irish Quote:
"Mr. Speaker, I said the hounourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases."
Irish playwright and politician, 1780
Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with. Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him. Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide. Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old leprechaun.
"Don't jump," she said, and I'll grant you three wishes."
"Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."
She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."
He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."
She said, "They will be there when you get home."
He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."
She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted."
Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me. I want you to kiss me."
He looked at her and shuddered at the thought. But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted. He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.
She said, "What age are you?"
He replied, "I'm forty."
She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believing in leprechauns?"
Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the mental hospital and he hears the residents inside chanting,
"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
Officer O’Brien came across a crowd of people looking up at a man standing on a ledge.
“Don’t jump!” implored O’Brien. “Think of yer children.”
“I don’t have any children,” replied the man.
“Then think of yer wife.”
“I’m not married,” was the reply.
“Think of yer parents then lad.”
“I haven’t any parents.”
“Why then think of St. Patrick!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump ya bastard!!”
LIttle Sean had spilled the ink all over the classroom floor. The teacher came down and stood looking sternly at him.
"Sean," she said, "if you spilled something at home, what would your mother do?"
Sean said, "Well, she wouldn't just stand there lik you, looking at it, she'd clean it up."
There’s a new concept pub opened-up in Ireland - it’s got mirrors all the way around. Casey and Flanagan were there for the opening. It was free drinks on the house all night, so, as you can guess, Casey and Flanagan were pretty drunk by the end of the night.
Just before closing time, Casey gets up and looks across the pub - he didn’t know about the mirrors. He looked across then turned back to Flanagan and said, “Don’t look now, but there’s a fella over sitting over there that is the spitting image of you.”
Flanagan didn’t know about the mirrors either and he said, “That’s fantastic - there’s a fella sitting beside him that looks like you!”
Casey stood up and said, “Come on, let’s buy them a drink.”
Then Flanagan said, “Sit down - I think they’re coming over!”
A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"