March 15, 2014

Day 15

It is a wonderful sunny Saturday here in Central Florida.  A day made for baseball......

Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.
 
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
  
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
  
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" 

This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.  After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.
  
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

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Two friends Sean and Paddy were two of the biggest football fans in Ireland. 
Their entire adult lives, Sean and Paddy discussed football history, and they pored over all the statistics. They went to all of the matches. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was football in heaven.
 
One summer night, Sean passed away in his sleep after watching a Manchester United victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Paddy awoke to the sound of Sean's voice from beyond. 
"Sean, is that you?" Paddy asked. 
"Of course it's me," Sean replied. 
"This is unbelievable!" Paddy exclaimed. "So tell me, is there football in heaven?" 
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" 
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there's football in heaven, Paddy." 
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" 

"You're playing tomorrow night!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile to his lips.

"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly. "Give me just a small bit of that stuff you're cookin."

"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly.  "I'm savin' it for the wake!"
 
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Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

March 14, 2014

Day 14 - Happy St. Pat's Weekend

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s & had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, & in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea & scones, they began to chat. 

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water & its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him & he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago & I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet & that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

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At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

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The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No." 

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No." 

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No." 

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" 

Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

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The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go bring in a veterinary specialist from the next county. 

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye :"My wife is from Scotland."

March 13, 2014

Day 13

Here are a few stories experiencing the Irish weather......


O'Malley's daughter was on her way home from work one night by bus and it was raining heavily.  When she reached her stop, she jumped off the bus and began to run to her house a couple of streets away.  She heard footsteps behind her and, looking around, she saw a man following her.  She reached home, hammered on the door and her mother let her in.

She said, "Oh, mother, a man ran after me."

Her mother said, "I know." as the man came in the gate.  "It was your father, he went to meet you with your raincoat and umbrella."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day.  The wind was so loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
“It’s windy,” said one.
“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.
“So am I,” said the third.  “Let’s go and have a drink.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. 
Father Murphy said, “Thank you, but I’m not sure I got it honestly.  It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped.  Then, I say a young fellow coming along with a nice, large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I’d ask him to share it with me. 

I stepped out from the doorway and said, ‘Where are you going with that umbrella?’  And he dropped the darned thing and ran off.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One typically rainy Irish night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy, water dripping down his face who asks the homeowner to give him a push.
 
"What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was.
 
"Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says. "Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks. 

"Because it's 3:30 in the morning and raining like the dickens" the husband yells. 

The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him." 

Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!" 

The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" 

Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, "WHERE?!" 

"OVER HERE, BY YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.

March 12, 2014

Day 12

Dr. Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses.

When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing its psychosomatic form of deafness.  Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.

"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion.

"You see that, I reckon," said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"

"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest. 

Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."

"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."

"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,  "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

March 11, 2014

Day 11


Paddy is stopped by the police around 2 AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

He replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying up late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be me wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"

Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"  

Wife: "Yes or no."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. 

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?"

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just foine!!"

Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother Liam came over from Cork and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not Liam... he's an idiot!" 
She nervously asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

March 10, 2014

Day 10

Next Monday, if you have not been paying attention, is March 17th, or as a friend of mine refers to it as, the High Holy Day of Irish Americans so make sure you are prepared.  Don't let the holiday rush ruin your shopping....the liquor stores are only going to get more crowded.... 

Today's jokes might be new to some of you....but I doubt it :)

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.  Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. 
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"  
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.  Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." 
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."

Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement.  Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"

"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."  

March 9, 2014

Day 9

I'm sure that you realize that the grand day is only a week away.  And don't be all that surprised if the celebrating begins a day or two early.....

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?" 

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!" 

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Jameson's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde. 

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?" With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whiskey please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself." 
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks. 
Moments later Murphy shouts, "Another whiskey for me, and the same again for everyone else."

The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?" 

Murphy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." 

With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar. About twenty minutes later though Murphy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whiskey for me, and a drink for all my friends."

"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marveling at the guy's nerve.

"Not likely," slurs Murphy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. 

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" 

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. 

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. 

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."