March 18, 2015

365 Days

It was a fun and beautiful day here in sunny Central Florida.  A bit warm for a green wool jacket, but it was worth the sacrifice.  And to spend my day on the arm of a beautiful redhead.....well that just makes it the perfect St. Patty's Day.

Til next year!  Slainte!


March 17, 2015

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Yes, it is here!!  The day we have all been waiting for!!  Well, at least the day that I've been waiting for.....

I do hope you've gotten a couple of laughs during these 17 days.  I am off to celebrate with other like minded Irishmen....and a beautiful redhead.  And beyond the laughter, the songs, and the strong drink, there is a people who truly wish everyone well....(Well practically everyone..... ;) )

May you work like you don't need the money,
Love like you've never been hurt, and
Dance like no one is watching.


Garrison is a doctor but he's a bit henpecked by his wife.  One evening the phone rang. It was a colleague asking him to join some others for a game of poker.  When he put the phone down his wife said, "Is it an emergency?"      
He said, "Yes, there's four doctors there already."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took my nephew Sean out for his first drink
Off we went to our local pub which was only two blocks from the house. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Murphy’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Harp, Bass Ale, and the Smithwick’s.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; Nope! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so feckin' shite-faced I could hardly push the stroller back home!

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Paddy had a few too many at a party and while driving home, he was pulled over by the Garda. Noting Paddys erratic driving, the Garda immediately breathalyzed him. As they were preparing to book him, there was a terrible accident in the opposite side of the road. The Garda were immediately distracted by the other incident and decided to take care of more important matters. Paddy, figuring that the Garda weren't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the front door, and was greeted by two Garda.

"Are you Mr. Patrick Murphy?" they asked? Paddy nodded his head.
"Were you pulled over at Church Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the Paddy nervously nodded his head.
"And what did you do then?" they asked. Paddy replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the Guards enquired. Paddy told them that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the Garda. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the Garda squad car.

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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded Galway waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

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An old Irishman was asked,
"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"
The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!.... Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

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A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”
The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the city train’s always late anyway.”
The man then said, “It will be today - I’m the driver!”

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Paddy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two Gardai, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether they can see a picture of the wife.
Paddy replies "of course" and runs back to get their wedding picture.
The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
Paddy replies "I know, but she is a foine woman, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want!"

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Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife or children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”


March 16, 2015

St. Patty's Eve

It is the day before St. Patrick's Day, a day for rest, a day to remember the lyrics to all of those Irish tunes you only hear once a year, and for me, jury duty.....remember that luck of the Irish thing?.....



In a Donegal trial, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. O’Reilly, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Sean. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. O’Reilly, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known James since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire county, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, you’ll both be found in contempt and serve 10 years."


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An American lawyer and an Irishman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that he can certainly outwit this common man from the countryside and entertain himself...So the lawyer asks if the Irishman would like to play a fun game. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.

“I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00” he says. This catches the Irishman's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Moon?' The Irishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five euro note and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Irishman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Internet. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Irishman and hands him $500.00

The Irishman pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.

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The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink.  But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.
            "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.
            "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man.
            "And why not?"
            "Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

March 15, 2015

Day 15

It has been a foine weekend of celebrating with the Irish here in St. Augustine.  And I've figured that the true talent is not being able to dance those steps, but to keep stepping forward after a day of stout and whiskey.....

When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.
      Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"
No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions.  Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly,
      "Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"
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Muldoon was reading in the tabloids about a famous actress who married a boxer not particularly known for his high IQ.
He says to his wife, "It seems the biggest jerks always get the most beautiful women."
She replied, "Why, Thank you, dear."
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O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.  As he struggles to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.
      "Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."

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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal and says to the first man he meets,
      "Do you want to go to heaven?"
      The man said, "I do, Father."
      The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." 
      Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
      "Certainly Father," said the man.
      "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
      Then the priest walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
      O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
      The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
      O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

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March 14, 2015

Day 14

Nancy and I will be enjoying the Irish Festival in St. Augustine today.  But we couldn't start the day without the daily dose....

A double-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." 
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The Judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s & had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, & in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea & scones, they began to chat. 

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water & its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him & he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago & I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet & that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

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An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"