March 18, 2014

Post Mortem

I hope you enjoyed the countdown this year.  Believe it or not, I have a lot more that I didn't share (and believe it or not, you saw the best of them.....)

The Donegal definition of a hangover: "Something occupying a head that wasn't used the night before."

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Just a historic note of great importance.  The English word "Whiskey" comes from the Gaelic "uisce beatha" (pronounced ish-kuh ba-ha) which means "water of life."

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Murphy, O'Brien, and Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.

Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man; he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'". 

O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community; he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place." 

Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

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Until next year......

March 17, 2014

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

The Irish are a people who are best known for their ability to laugh in the face of adversity. Generous to a fault, they are a people who are more willing to spend their last dollar on a drink for a friend than on their own rent. They are a people who value friendship above all else.

So enjoy all that St. Patrick's Day offers. Kiss an Irishman (or woman) and thank them for your friendship. Sing along with those old songs that get better with each pint of Guinness. Enjoy a taste of Irish whiskey in your coffee and entertain your friends with a story that brings a smile to their face. Hopefully one of these can help with that.....



“Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife nor children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”

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A young Roscommon boy and his father, Paddy, were visiting Liffey Valley Shopping Centre for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What's that Da?"

Paddy (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. 

The father quickly turned to his young son and excitedly said "Go get your Ma"

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Paddy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two Gardai, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether they can see a picture of the wife. Paddy replies "of course" and runs back to get their wedding picture.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

Paddy replies "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want!"

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A man escaped from a mental institution in Ballinasloe. He ran until he got to Mullingar, at which point he located a public phone and rang the hospital back in Ballinasloe.

“Hello?” says the receptionist.

“Eh, Hello,” says your man, “Can you tell me is there someone in room number 68?”

“One moment,” says the receptionist, setting down the phone. The man waited anxiously until he heard her returning to the phone. “No sir, I’m sorry – there’s nobody in room 68.”

“HOOORAY!!” he shrieked in delight, “I’VE ESCAPED!!!!”

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After a heavy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the road, a young mother watched her 2 little boys playing in the puddles thru her kitchen window. The older of the 2, five year old Paddy, grabbed his sibling Joe, by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the potholes filled with rain water. As the boy recovered & stood laughing & dripping, the mother ran towards them in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to ur little brother?" she said, as she shook Paddy's shoulder in anger.

"Aye we were just playing church mammy," he said."And I was jus baptizin him, In the name of the father, the son, and in the hole he goes."

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The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years.....They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"

Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea!" 

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy walked into the parlor and shouted to the people at the wake, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?" 

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

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Upon seeing his son's black eye Murphy asked him, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?" 

His son shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in." 

"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?" 

"Na, na, Father. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."

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Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and Father O'Malley nearly fell down when he saw the man. Murphy'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya finally decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with ya Father. Awhile back, I misplaced me hat, and I really, really love that hat. I knew that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

Father O said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head from side to side, "No, Father. It was after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

March 16, 2014

St. Patrick's Day Eve

God then made man. The Italians for their beauty. The French for their cuisine. The Welsh for their voices. The Germans for their cars. And on and on until He looked at what He had created and said, "This is all very well, but no-one is having fun. I'll have to make an Irishman."

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded Galway waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

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The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.
"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Really, I’m O’Connor too.  Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county.  I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

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A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

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A man walks out of a house in Belfast.  Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"

The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."

At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

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Before performing a christening in Ireland, Father Reilly approached Seamus and said to him solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are ye prepared for it?”
“I think I am father,” Seamus replied. “My wife has made a big buffet spread and Mrs O’Sullivan has baked biscuits and cakes for all of our guests.”
“That’s not what I meant,” Father Reilly responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”

“To be sure I am,” Seamus replied. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”



March 15, 2014

Day 15

It is a wonderful sunny Saturday here in Central Florida.  A day made for baseball......

Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.
 
Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
  
A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!"
  
Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" 

This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.  After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.
  
So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

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Two friends Sean and Paddy were two of the biggest football fans in Ireland. 
Their entire adult lives, Sean and Paddy discussed football history, and they pored over all the statistics. They went to all of the matches. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was football in heaven.
 
One summer night, Sean passed away in his sleep after watching a Manchester United victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Paddy awoke to the sound of Sean's voice from beyond. 
"Sean, is that you?" Paddy asked. 
"Of course it's me," Sean replied. 
"This is unbelievable!" Paddy exclaimed. "So tell me, is there football in heaven?" 
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?" 
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there's football in heaven, Paddy." 
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?" 

"You're playing tomorrow night!"

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O'Reilly lay dying when the pungent aroma of corned beef and cabbage being cooked by his wife brought a smile to his lips.

"Ah, darlin', let me leave this world a happy man," said O'Reilly. "Give me just a small bit of that stuff you're cookin."

"Sure an' I couldn't do that!" said Mrs. O'Reilly.  "I'm savin' it for the wake!"
 
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Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

March 14, 2014

Day 14 - Happy St. Pat's Weekend

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "

"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s & had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness & kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, & in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea & scones, they began to chat. 

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water & its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him & he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice" he said "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago & I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet & that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

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At a picnic for a Catholic school, the Mother Superior stacked a pile of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please -- God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies, on which a second grade student had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want -- God is watching the apples."

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The attorney was cross examining Clancy, the coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No." 

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No." 

Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No." 

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" 

Clancy, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

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The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go bring in a veterinary specialist from the next county. 

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye :"My wife is from Scotland."