March 5, 2015

Day 5

Fishing is a big part of Irish life....and there are many Irish fish tales.....


Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. 

The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.  

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha!  I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus.
So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"



March 4, 2015

Day 4

In Ireland, there is no subject that escapes the possibility of a humorous story.... not even death....


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy
loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.  Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" 

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.  

Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."


"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife. "I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects.  Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.  Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"

Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea! " 

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!" 

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."  

O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

March 3, 2015

Day 3

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy, O'Brien & Casey are sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. 

Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'". 

O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."

Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"


March 2, 2015

Day 2

Everyone loves a day at the races.....


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.


Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland.  One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race.  He went over and said, "Doping?" 

The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar.  Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?"

The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful.  As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself."

So the trainer gave him a piece.

When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill.  Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs.  Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the racetrack. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse, a very long shot, won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th racehorses lined up, and placed his blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. 
Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and won! Mitch was elated.

As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM and withdrew every penny he owned, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to place the bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch placed his bet—every cent he owned—and watched the horse come in... dead last.

Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, “What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. In the last race, you bless a horse and he loses. Now I’ve lost my life savings, thanks to you!”

The priest nodded wisely and said, “That’s the problem with you Protestants... you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.”


March 1, 2015

Day 1

Happy St. Patty's Month! Let the jokes begin!!
One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.
Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed. "I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"
Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said.
He got out...