March 17, 2017

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

I hope there have been one or two among this year's collection that have made you smile.  And if they have, share them with those you meet today over a pint or a wee taste of your favorite Irish punch.

      “Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge.  “Think of your wife and children.”
      “I’ve got no wife or children.”
      “Then think of your parents.”
      “I don’t have any parents.”
      “Then think of St. Patrick!!”
      “Who’s St. Patrick?”
      “Jump, ya bastard!”

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.  As he struggles to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.
      "Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

A double-homicide defendant is in court in Dublin. The Judge says to him, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The Judge says, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"
The Judges stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that arsehole and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

An Irish lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Jameson with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
"Well, thank you kindly, sir" says she. As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have another Jameson with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Jameson with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Ah, lad, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold the hard stuff. Holding your water, however, is another matter entirely."

The ritual of the wake in Ireland has not changed in a thousand years….  They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects.
Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.
Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"
Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea! "
Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray! "

O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'
O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.


March 16, 2017

St. Paddy's Eve

Paddy had a few too many at a party and while driving home, he was pulled over by the Garda. Noting Paddys erratic driving, the Garda immediately breathalyzed him. As they were preparing to book him, there was a terrible accident in the opposite side of the road. The Garda were immediately distracted by the other incident and decided to take care of more important matters. Paddy, figuring that the Garda weren't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the front door, and was greeted by two Garda.

"Are you Mr. Padraigk Murphy?" they asked? Paddy nodded his head.
"Were you pulled over at Church Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the Paddy nervously nodded his head.
"And what did you do then?" they asked. Paddy replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the Guards enquired. Paddy told them that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the Garda. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the Garda squad car.


Murphy walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says Murphy.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

Murphy then goes outside and tells Seamus that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. Seamus rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon Seamus goes into the street, sees Paddy, and tells him how to get free drinks.

Paddy hurries into the bar and begins to drink shot after shot of fine Irish Whiskey. Suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," Paddy responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."


An American walks into McCafferty's Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.  Paddy Murphy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.

"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.

Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks,

"If you don't mind my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"

To which Paddy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."


Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day.  The wind was so loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other.
“It’s windy,” said one.
“No, it’s Thursday,” said the next.
“So am I,” said the third.  “Let’s go and have a drink.”

An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.

A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.

"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..

He got out...

March 15, 2017

Day 15

In a court in Killarney, deep in Munster, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:
Lawyer: 'At the scene of the accident, Mr O'Shea, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?'

O'Shea the farmer: 'That's right, sir.'

Lawyer: Well then, Mr O'Shea, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's car hit your cart?'

O'Shea the farmer: 'When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him. Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?' I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say: 'I've never felt better in my life.'


An 80-year-old Irishmen goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

“I'm Irish and I am a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of Whiskey and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Irish golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little whiskey and that's why he's still alive. He's Irish and he's a golfer, too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad?  How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Irish golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"


A judge in Dublin asked: "Were you present at the beginning of the trouble between your friend and his wife?"
Witness: "Sure, wasn't I best man at their wedding?"

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park.  They say down on a bench to rest.  They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot.  Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. 
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered, "Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
Murphy said, "Whistle?  Why should I whistle?  Nobody whistled to warn me."

The good Donegal Sister had her class studying their catechism. When she asked one little boy if he had progressed in his studies as far as original sin, he replied proudly:
"Oh, yes, Sister. I'm beyond redemption."

March 14, 2017

Day 14

Mike wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless. He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table which says "Breakfast is on the stove, dear. I left early to go shopping. Love you!"

He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast waiting for him, and also the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. Really curious by now, Mike asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, Mom said you came home after 3 AM, you stumbled in the door, threw up in the hallway, and passed out half-way up the stairs.

Confused, Mike asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "Leave me alone woman, I'm a married man."


An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.  The Englishman steals 3 buns, puts them into his pockets and leaves.  He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery. I’ll show you how to do it honestly and get the same results.”
The Irishman proceeded to call out the baker and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The baker was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked for 2 more and ate them both.
The baker says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”


And today's classics.....

"Is it an emergency?"
He said, "Yes, there's four doctors there already."

It was the end of a long friendship as Seamus and Paddy said good-bye.
"Seamus, when I'm in Australia, will you come to the pub and have two drinks each night, one for me and one for you, in memory of old times?"
"I will too, Paddy. And you'll do the same for me?"
"I will do that, Seamus."
And so night after night Seamus went through the ritual. One large Irish whiskey for himself and then another for Paddy in Australia. Came the day however, when he ordered only one drink. The barman was curious.
"If ye'll forgive me intrusion, Seamus, why have you given up one of the drinks? I hope nothin' has happened to Paddy."
"Oh no, it is simple good friend, simple. I'm on the wagon now."

March 13, 2017

Day 13

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
“Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."


Maggie, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into other people's business. Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.

She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Paddy, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all afternoon. She emphatically told Paddy (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Paddy, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Paddy quietly parked his pickup in front of Maggie's house, walked home ....and left it there all night!!


And a few classics.....

Paddy was in America.  He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".  Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.  He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let the Catholics across?"

"I shall hold this case in camera," said the Irish judge.
"What does that mean?" asked the witness.
"Well," said the judge, "I know what it means, and the jury knows what it means you just tell us what happened on the night of June 1st."
"I went to a dance," related the witness, "and Mary asked me to see her home.  It was a fine evening and after we'd crossed a field we sat on a stile in the moonlight and I put my arm around her.  After that, there was a little mushy, sweety-pie palaver."
"And what, pray, does that mean?" asked the judge.
The reply came quickly: "I know what it means, the jury knows what it means, and if you'd been there with your camera, judge, you'd know what it means."

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."