March 17, 2016

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

I hope you have enjoyed the stories that have come from the Emerald Isle. While I try to find some new ones every year, today is the day I share some of my old favorites.


Officer O’Brien came across a crowd of people looking up at a man standing on a ledge.
  “Don’t jump!” emplored O’Brien. “Think of yer children.”
  “I don’t have any children,” replied the man.
  “Then think of yer wife.”
  “I’m not married,” was the reply.
  “Think of yer parents then lad.”
  “I haven’t any parents.”
  “Why then think of St. Patrick!”
  “Who’s St. Patrick?”
  “Jump ya bastard!!”

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For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

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O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood."

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She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Boston taxi driver backed into the stationary fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.

"Name?"
"Brendan O'Connor."
"Same as mine.  Where are you from?"
"County Cork."
"Same as me......"
The policeman paused with his pen in the air.
"Hold on a moment and I'll come back and talk about the old county.  I want to say something to this fella that ran into the back of your cab."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out.  At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read.  One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up.

At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang.  It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien.  She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no.  Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted.  "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."
Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement.

Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"

"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

March 16, 2016

Day 16 - St. Paddy's Eve

'Murphy, why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?' said Mrs O'Leary
'It's too late,' replied Murphy.
'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous Mrs O'Leary.
'Well, there's no rush then,' smiled Murphy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Shamus said to O'Hara the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'O, bejabbers,' said O'Hara, 'And how did this one end?'
'Hah, when it was over,' Shamus replied, 'she came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really?' cried O'Hara, 'now that's a switch!  What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, Shamus, you little chicken.'

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Kathleen had lunch with 2 of her unmarried friends. Maria is engaged to an Italian race driver, Suzanna one is the mistress to a French painter, and Kathleen has been married to Paddy for 20+ years. They chatted about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. They agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here’s how it all went.

Maria:
“The other night when my Rinaldo came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

Suzanna:
Me too! The other night I met Pierre at his studio and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Kathleen:
When Paddy came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”

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An Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet and says 'I think my goldfish is epileptic.'
The vet looks and says 'He looks fine to me.'
The Irishman replies 'Hang on, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet!!'

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A woman came to a priest one day and confessed, "Father, I've committed adultery."
The priest is somewhat upset, but he forgives her and tells her not to let it happen again.

Later that week, 6 more people came up to him and confessed the same time. He forgave him all. Within the next month, over 50 people confessed that they committed adultery. The priest was so upset that he announced to the community at mass; "From now on, if anyone of you commit adultery, don't tell me that you did. Instead, tell me something else, like 'I tripped in a pothole.'

So people were always admitting to this priest that they had tripped in a pothole. Eventually, the priest died of old age. A new priest, who knew nothing about the whole pothole thing, replaced the late priest. Whenever people told him that they had tripped in a pothole, he would reply with, "That's quite okay. Just watch your step next time."

One day, the priest decided to take the issue of potholes up with the Town Council.

"Mr. Mayor," he said, "I think we should spend a good deal of money to repair this town's roads; people keep tripping in potholes every day.

"Aye that, heh" laughed the mayor. He got into a historical fit since the priest knew nothing of the true meaning of what his parishioners were confessing.

The priest was not impressed with the reaction of the Mayor and replied, "This is no laughing matter, Mayor. Your wife alone tripped in 6 potholes last week!"

March 15, 2016

Day 15

Sean was a mild-mannered man who was tired of being hen-pecked by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness. Sean read the book on the bus home. By the time he reached his house, he had finished it. He stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "Bridie, from now on, I want you to know that I am the man of the house, and my word is law! I want you to make my favourite boiled beef and cabbage for the meal tonight and when I'm finished with that, I expect my favourite whiskey cake for afters. Then, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with that, do you know who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The undertaker." says she.

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John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John - he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic.

They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John's place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dr. Oliver Gogarty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses.
When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him, "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness.  Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
"Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
"You'll have to," said Dr. Gogarty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
"Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,  "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

March 13, 2016

Day 13

I don't know whether I should apologize for missing a day, or if you are all please for the respite.  Either way, I hope these put a smile on your face....

Sean received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and even profane. Sean tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and even reading him Scripture, or anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Sean got really fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot just yelled back. Sean shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, Sean threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and stuck him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he might have really hurt the parrot, Sean quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I'm sorry I was rude....I will be better..."

Sean was stunned at the complete change in the bird's attitude! As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

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A man goes into a pub in an isolated part of Ireland. The place is full of regulars, but they make him welcome and he sits down at the bar.

He's been sitting there a little while, and someone says '365', and everybody bursts out laughing. The man is mystified, but says nothing. Anyway, a few minutes later, the same thing happens again: someone says '129', and all the locals start roaring with laughter.

After it's happened a couple more times, the man can't take it any more, and asks the barman what it's all about. 'Oh, it's perfectly simple, really' he said. 'Round here, we don't get to hear any new jokes, and we all know the same ones, so to make life a bit easier, we just numbered them, so that we don't have to keep on telling them over and over again.'

The man can see the point behind this, but it's really quite unnerving to have everybody around him laughing without knowing what's going on. Anyway, in the interests of being polite, he decides to enter into the spirit of things, so he shouts out '621', and the pub descends into uproar as every single person in there starts laughing hysterically and rolling on the floor with tears in their eyes.

Even more mystified, the man turns to the barman again, and says 'Well, what's that joke, then? It seemed to go down pretty well'

The barman wiped the tears from his eyes and says 'Ah, that's because they've not heard that one before.'

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An Irish lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Jameson with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

"Well, thank you kindly, sir" says she. As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have another Jameson with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Jameson with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Ah, lad, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold the hard stuff. Holding your water, however, is another matter entirely."

March 11, 2016

Day 11

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket as he weaved his way through the house that he woke up the wife."By all the saints, what are you doing down there?"she shouted from the bedroom.
"Get yourself up here and don't be waking the neighbours."
"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted back.
"Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down.
"I can't" says he, "I've drank it!"

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A Jesuit priest decided to visit a small island off the coast of Connemara. The inhabitants numbered no more than a couple of dozen, but the priest threw himself into the Lord's work with a vengeance. Having taken over the bar of the pub for Mass, and having delivered a fire and brimstone sermon, he questioned his small congregation. "How long is it since any of you had your confessions heard?" he asked.
"Well, Father,' answered Brendan, the oldest inhabitant. "It must be three years since the last priest was here."
"Why didn't you make a trip to the mainland?" thundered the priest.
"Well, Father,' said Brendan, "the water between us and the mainland is very rough, and our boat is old and leaky. So you see. if we've only venial sins to confess, it's not worth the bother, and if we've mortal sins, it's not worth the risk!"

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A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The choir director stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, for our closing selection,let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

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Murphy, O'Brien & Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says,
"I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says,
"That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

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A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.  After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said.  "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy.  "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"