Friends

Recently a good friend gave me a pep talk that I didn't think I needed, but it worked, so I guess I did.  So I found some of my favorite "good friend" quotes worth sharing.....


The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.              
               It's impossible to be angry at someone who makes you laugh.

No matter how serious life gets you still need those ones you can be absolutely stupid with.....

A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend pees their pants laughing, trips you again, and calls you an a**hole.

March the 17th.....sleep the 18th

I hope you had a fine time celebrating! Time to get the green attire cleaned up and put away for another time.... But remember, you can be as carefree and happy as Paddy every day of the year. Share a smile whenever you can, it doesn't cost a cent....

An old Irishman was asked,

"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"

The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!

Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

As always, it has been a wonderful run up to my favorite holiday.  I am truly grateful of your appreciation (tolerance) of some of my favorite Irish jokes.  I hope that today finds you surrounded by friends, family, and a designated driver! :)

            Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
            So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
            Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
            With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

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            A man walks out of a house in Belfast.  Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
            The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
            At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

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            Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with.  Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him.  Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide.  Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old lady leprechaun. 
            "Don't jump," she said, “and I'll grant you three wishes."
            "Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."
            She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."
            He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."
            She said, "They will be there when you get home."
            He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."
            She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted."  Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me.  I want you to kiss me."
            He looked at her and shuddered at the thought.  But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted.  He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.
            She said, "What age are you?"
            He replied, "I'm forty."
            She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believin’ in leprechauns?"

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            In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
            "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

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            O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
            "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
            "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
            O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

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One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push. "What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. 

He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was. "Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says. 

"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks. 

"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells. 

The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him." 

Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!" 

The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, 

"WHERE?!" 

"OVER HERE, ON YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.

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Slainte!!

St. Patty's Eve

For all intents and purposes, St. Patty's Day is upon us.  The weather here in Central Florida is perfect for a day of song and drink - of course what weather isn't?

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
            She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
            She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
            The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
            "I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

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Dr. Haggerty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him,
            "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness.  Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
            "Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
            "You'll have to," said Dr. Haggerty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
            "Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "Just for a little hearing??"

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            A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.  After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
            "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said.  "I'll be back in a few minutes."
            When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
            "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy.  "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

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            Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
            One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
            "Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

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An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick Catholic Church.  'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

 This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.’

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.  The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.’ 

Day 15

Good Morning!  It is St. Patrick's Day weekend and there are many an Irish Pub celebrating on both the 16th and the day itself.  Not wanting to discourage such activity, I too will be participating on both days.

I will be at Liam Fitzpatrick's on Saturday for as long as I can stand.....you can't miss me, I'll be the one in green with a beautiful redhead on my arm..... at least that's the plan!

Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

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Casey came home from seeing the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?" 
He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."
She said, "So what, lots of people have to take a pill every day for the rest of their lives." 
He said, "I know, but he only gave me four." 

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Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in down town Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

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Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”

“I’ve got no wife or children.”

“Then think of your parents.”

“I don’t have any parents.”

“Then think of St. Patrick!!”

“Who’s St. Patrick?”

“Jump, ya bastard!”

Day 14

There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says,
"Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed."
Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself."
"No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya."
Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! Okay, okay, I'll go right away."
So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way.
As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!
Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go."
They keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!"
Patty answers, “No, no, no, I've got to go.”
Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go past the pub once again, they start in again,
"Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!
Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go.
They beg, "C'mon boy, just one."
Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."
It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch.
"Oh No!! I've got to go!!"
Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells,
"Patty! It's after 11:00! What took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?"
Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims, "Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"


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The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud.

And he was Iying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along. He kneeled down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?" And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?" And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?" He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."

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A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

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A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached is assistant.

'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'..

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' Says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!'