Mike wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees are a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the bedside table. He sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and ironed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless. He takes the aspirins and sees a note on the table which says "Breakfast is on the stove, dear. I left early to go shopping. Love you!"
He goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there's a hot breakfast waiting for him, and also the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating. Really curious by now, Mike asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, Mom said you came home after 3 AM, you stumbled in the door, threw up in the hallway, and passed out half-way up the stairs.
Confused, Mike asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mam dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you yelled "Leave me alone woman, I'm a married man."
An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery. The Englishman steals 3 buns, puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery. I’ll show you how to do it honestly and get the same results.”
The Irishman proceeded to call out the baker and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The baker was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked for 2 more and ate them both.
The baker says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
And today's classics.....
O'Toole is a doctor but he's a bit henpecked by his wife. One evening the phone rang. It was from a professional colleague asking him to join some others for a game of poker. When he put the phone down, his wife said,
"Is it an emergency?"
He said, "Yes, there's four doctors there already."
It was the end of a long friendship as Seamus and Paddy said good-bye.
"Seamus, when I'm in Australia, will you come to the pub and have two drinks each night, one for me and one for you, in memory of old times?"
"I will too, Paddy. And you'll do the same for me?"
"I will do that, Seamus."
And so night after night Seamus went through the ritual. One large Irish whiskey for himself and then another for Paddy in Australia. Came the day however, when he ordered only one drink. The barman was curious.
"If ye'll forgive me intrusion, Seamus, why have you given up one of the drinks? I hope nothin' has happened to Paddy."
"Oh no, it is simple good friend, simple. I'm on the wagon now."