March 13, 2017

Day 13

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
“Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."


Maggie, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into other people's business. Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.

She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Paddy, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all afternoon. She emphatically told Paddy (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!

Paddy, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Paddy quietly parked his pickup in front of Maggie's house, walked home ....and left it there all night!!


And a few classics.....

Paddy was in America.  He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians".  Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.  He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about toime ye let the Catholics across?"

"I shall hold this case in camera," said the Irish judge.
"What does that mean?" asked the witness.
"Well," said the judge, "I know what it means, and the jury knows what it means you just tell us what happened on the night of June 1st."
"I went to a dance," related the witness, "and Mary asked me to see her home.  It was a fine evening and after we'd crossed a field we sat on a stile in the moonlight and I put my arm around her.  After that, there was a little mushy, sweety-pie palaver."
"And what, pray, does that mean?" asked the judge.
The reply came quickly: "I know what it means, the jury knows what it means, and if you'd been there with your camera, judge, you'd know what it means."

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."



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