March 8, 2014

Day 8

"Alcohol doesn’t solve any problem, but then neither does milk"
Irish saying


Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."


"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
- Irish Footballer George Best 


O'Toole volunteered to take care of their 10 children so that Mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. At 10:00 the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. Murphy. She asked if her son was there.

O'Toole said no. Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."


"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."
- Sigmund Freud (speaking about the Irish)


O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.  As he struggles to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please God," he implored, "let it be blood."

March 7, 2014

Day 7

It's Friday!!  And I need a drink.....

Irish whiskey was first developed for its medicinal benefits. It's just lucky for the rest of us that the Irish are such a sickly bunch.

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at.
"Four pints of stout," was the reply.
"Two glasses of whiskey."
"One glass of brandy."
"A fight."


"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"

"I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"


McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.  "Inebriated again!" declared the priest.  "Shame on you!  When are you going to straighten out your life??"
"Father," asked McCuen.  "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it!  Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.  How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't," slurred McCuen.  "The Bishop has it!"


Paddy texts his wife...

"Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.
If I’m not home in 20 minutes, read this message again.”


Paddy Murphy approached Mulligan's Bar when he was suddenly accosted outside by Sister Marie. "Surely a fine man as yerself, Paddy, is not going in to this den of iniquity?!" the good sister asked, more as an order than a question. "Surely you wouldn't waste yer hard-earned paycheck on the devil's brew when you could be buying food and clothing fer yer family!"

"Now hold on there, sister!" sputtered Murphy. "Surely you won't be condemnin' whiskey without ever tasting some yerself, would ya?"

"Very well then" said Sister Marie, "Just to prove my point, I'll try some. Obviously I can't go into the pub, but you go in and bring it out to me. Just have them place it in a cup rather than a glass, so as to not create a scandal out here."

"Okay sister" said Murphy as he happily breezed on in to Mulligan's.

"I'll have a large whiskey" ordered Murphy to the barman, "and place it in a cup, not a glass!"

The barman shook his head and replied "Don't tell me that nun's outside again"

March 6, 2014

Day 6

No frivolities today.....onto the jokes!!

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


Paddy drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"


An elderly couple was driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The policeman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave him her license.
The policeman said, "I see you are from Mayo. I spent some time there once and had the worst date I have ever had."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"


The priest stood at the church door greeting the parishioners after Mass.
"Good mornin', Mr. and Mrs. O'Riley. I married you ten years ago but I never see any of your children in church."
"Deed you did, Father. We've not been blessed. My husband and I have tried but we've not been successful", said Mrs. O'Riley.
"I'm going to Rome for a few years sabbatical. I'll light a candle for you in the great basilica at the Vatican. Perhaps the Holy Mother will look kindly on you and your husband."

Several years later, back at the church door, greeting parishioners, the priest meets Mrs. O'Riley. "Mrs. O'Riley, did you ever have any children?
"Deed I did, Father," she said pointing to a family behind her.
"We've had a set of triplets, a set of twins and two singles since we last saw you.
"Praise be the Holy Mother. She's blessed you. But I don't see Sean. Is he here?"
"No, Father, he's gone to Rome to blow out your candle."

March 5, 2014

Day 5

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of the holy season of Lent.  One of the reasons that I grew up with such an appreciation for St. Patrick's Day was from going to a Catholic School where the good nuns would ease our Lenten fasting from cookies and treats for the feast of St. Patrick.  What better way to even get the Italian kids in the class claiming it was their holiday too as St. Patrick was from Italy (He wasn't, but he wasn't Irish either). So while we don't typically celebrate on the first day of Lent, there is no sin in laughing.

Dugan, in a decidedly tipsy state, boarded a bus and sat down in front of a priest reading the evening paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven," bawled Dugan.  "I ain't -hic- goin' to heaven!"
The priest continued to read his paper.
"I ain't goin' to heaven 'cause there ain't no heaven!!"
"Well, go to hell then," said the priest.  "But be quiet about it!"


The blind farmer was often taken for a walk in the fields by a kind neighbor.  However kindly the neighbor might have been, he was undoubtedly a coward.  When a bull charged towards them one day, he abandoned the blind man.
The bull, puzzled by a lack of fear, nudged the farmer in the back.  He turned very quickly, caught the bull by the horns and threw it to the ground with a bump that left it breathless.
"Aidan," said the neighbor, "I never knew you were so strong."
"Faith, and if I could have got that fella off the handlebars of the bicycle I'd have thrashed him properly."


She followed her husband to the public house.
"How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
"Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."


An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

March 4, 2014

Day 4

Last Fall I had the extreme good fortune to take a trip to Ireland.  I was blessed not only by the good company, but by the unusually warm and dry weather - by Ireland's standards.  The most wonderful part of the trip was experiencing first hand the Irish people.  We met courtesy, sarcasm, and wit at every pub and attraction.  It could be summarized by the use of the term, "Brilliant."  By simple inflection, tone, and context, this word can be used as a wonderful compliment or as the most sarcastic and good-natured jab that can be shared.  I will admit that while my travel companion received mostly the complimentary use of the word, I, on the other hand, experienced in great quantities, that latter.  So when you hear the Irish use the adjective, pay close attention to make sure you have not just experienced a taste of Blarney.......


Curran said to Father O'Leary, a priest with the typical Irish wit, "I wish you were St. Peter." 
"Why?" asked O'Leary. 
"Because," said Curran, "you would have the keys of heaven, and could let me in." 
"It would be better for you," said O'Leary, "that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you out."


"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
Spike Milligan


Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge, 
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."


"My way of joking is to tell the truth. it's the funniest joke in the world."
George Bernard Shaw.

A reporter was interviewing Mrs. Reilly on the occasion of her 104th birthday, "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" 
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


When old Hennessey collapsed on the street, a crowd soon gathered and began making suggestions as to how the old fellow should be revived.
Maggie O'Reilly yelled, "Give the poor man some whiskey!"
No one paid any attention to her, and the crowd continued shouting out suggestions.  Finally, Hennessey opened one eye, pulled himself up on an elbow, and said weakly, 
"Will the lot o' ye hold yer tongues and let Maggie O'Reilly speak!"

March 3, 2014

Day 3

'Tis Monday..... A day that many people, believe it or not, look forward to.  And I believe that they look forward to it this week only because it begins the daily dose of Irish humor within my working World. Unless they are so dedicated that they came to the blog site without prompting, they may not even know that this is the third day or Irish....

A woman from Co. Kerry hired three men to move her furniture. When she saw two of them struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the third fellow was. “Oh, he’s in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling!”


For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"


The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha!  I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish. I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise. After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus.
So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away. They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
"Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden. "Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"


The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
            She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
            She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
            The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
            "I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

March 2, 2014

Day 2

It is a beautiful day here in Central Florida, perfect for watching the annual St. Patrick's Day parade stagger down Park Avenue in Winter Park.  The parade begins at 2:00 and the post-parade celebrating begins at about 2:10.......


Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! 

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!


Murphy had a hardware shop. Paddy went into the shop and asked, “I want to buy a shovel - how much are they?”
Murphy replied, “20.”
Then Paddy said, “20? At O’Reilly’s down the road, they’re only 10.”
So Murphy said, “Well, why didn’t you buy one down there, then?”
Paddy says, “They haven’t got any.”
Murphy replies, “Well, when we haven’t got any, we only charge 10.”
So Paddy says, “Fair enough, I’ll come back next week when you haven’t got any!”


An American walks into O'Connor's Pub overlooking Galway Bay in Galway, Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of locals, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinking fools. I'll give $500 American to anybody here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
A hush falls over the room. Not a soul has the nerve to take the American up on his offer.
Paddy Murphy gets up to leave the bar, but 15 minutes later, he is back tapping the American on the shoulder.
"Is your bet still good, Yank?" asks Paddy.
"It is," roars the American. He then orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar.
Immediately, Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer their approval and the American plops down upon his barstool in amazement. Handing Paddy the $500, the Yank asks, "If you don't mind my asking, where did you go for that 15 minutes?"
To which Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh...I went to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."


See you at the parade!!