May 14, 2013

Friends

Recently a good friend gave me a pep talk that I didn't think I needed, but it worked, so I guess I did.  So I found some of my favorite "good friend" quotes worth sharing.....


The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.              
               It's impossible to be angry at someone who makes you laugh.

No matter how serious life gets you still need those ones you can be absolutely stupid with.....


A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend pees their pants laughing, trips you again, and calls you an a**hole.





March 18, 2013

March the 17th.....sleep the 18th


I hope you had a fine time celebrating! Time to get the green attire cleaned up and put away for another time.... But remember, you can be as carefree and happy as Paddy every day of the year. Share a smile whenever you can, it doesn't cost a cent....



An old Irishman was asked,
"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"
The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!
Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

As always, it has been a wonderful run up to my favorite holiday.  I am truly grateful of your appreciation (tolerance) of some of my favorite Irish jokes.  I hope that today finds you surrounded by friends, family, and a designated driver! :)

            Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
            So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
            Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
            With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            A man walks out of a house in Belfast.  Another man walks up to him and sticks a gun to his head saying, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
            The first man, not knowing how to reply for fear of being shot if he says the wrong thing, thinks for a minute and finally answers, "As a matter of fact, I'm Jewish."
            At which the gunman chuckles, "Boy, I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            Hennessy wasn't a very good looking fellow to start with.  Now his business had failed, and his wife and family had left him.  Depressed and distracted, he was standing near the edge of the bridge, contemplating suicide.  Suddenly, he sensed that someone was behind him, and turning around he saw an ugly little old lady leprechaun. 
            "Don't jump," she said, “and I'll grant you three wishes."
            "Right," he said. "my first wish is to have $100,000."
            She said, "When you check your account, you will find that you are in credit to that amount."
            He then said, "My second wish is to have my wife and children back."
            She said, "They will be there when you get home."
            He said, "My third wish is to be tall and handsome."
            She said, When you look in the mirror, you will find that your wish has been granted."  Then she added, "I want you to do something in return for me.  I want you to kiss me."
            He looked at her and shuddered at the thought.  But under the circumstances he thought he should do as she wanted.  He took her in his arms and kissed her again and again.
            She said, "What age are you?"
            He replied, "I'm forty."
            She said, "Don't you think that you're a bit too old to be believin’ in leprechauns?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
            "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
            "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest.
            "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
            O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door, so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the homeowner to give him a push. "What!" the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in the drunk's face. 

He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks him who it was. "Just a guy wanting a push," the husband says. 

"Why didn't you help him?" the woman asks. 

"Because it's 3:30 in the morning!" the husband yells. 

The wife, slightly angry now, says, "Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him." 

Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not seeing the man or his car, he yells out, "Where are you? You said you wanted a push!" 

The drunk calls out, "I'm over here!" Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, 

"WHERE?!" 

"OVER HERE, ON YOUR SWING SET!" the drunk yells back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Slainte!!

March 16, 2013

St. Patty's Eve

For all intents and purposes, St. Patty's Day is upon us.  The weather here in Central Florida is perfect for a day of song and drink - of course what weather isn't?


The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
            She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
            She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner."
            The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then Murphy at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. “Yes?" answered the teacher.
            "I was just wondering," Murphy said. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Dr. Haggerty had a way of testing his patients about his diagnoses. When he was once consulted by a man who thought he was going deaf, the good doctor told him,
            "This is a case of excessive nervousness showing it psychosomatic form of deafness.  Now I happen to know that gambling, alcohol and sex stimulate a majority of people.
            "Ah, now, what are you drivin' at, doc?"
            "You'll have to," said Dr. Haggerty, "give up poker, whiskey and sex."
            "Are you crazy, doctor," bellowed the patient. "Just for a little hearing??"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.  After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
            "I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said.  "I'll be back in a few minutes."
            When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
            "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy.  "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
            One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
            "Oh," says the other, "what a walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick Catholic Church.  'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

 This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
 'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.’

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.  The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.’ 


March 15, 2013

Day 15

Good Morning!  It is St. Patrick's Day weekend and there are many an Irish Pub celebrating on both the 16th and the day itself.  Not wanting to discourage such activity, I too will be participating on both days.

I will be at Liam Fitzpatrick's on Saturday for as long as I can stand.....you can't miss me, I'll be the one in green with a beautiful redhead on my arm..... at least that's the plan!

Murphy went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of Jameson. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Casey came home from seeing the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?" 
He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."
She said, "So what, lots of people have to take a pill every day for the rest of their lives." 
He said, "I know, but he only gave me four." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Young Riley had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office in down town Dublin and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, Riley picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife or children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”



March 14, 2013

Day 14


There is an Old Irish couple, Margaret and Patty. Margaret walks into the living room where Patty is and says,
"Patrick, oh I am so proud of you, so proud. Last month, I told you that you were spending too much time at the pub and too much time away from me. Since then you haven't gone to the pub once and stayed home. I want to do something special for ya, I want to make ya a special dinner, special indeed."
Patty replied, "Oh Margaret, you don't have to do that, don't trouble yourself."
"No, it's no trouble" Margaret insisted, "In fact, when we were on holiday last year, you really enjoyed that Escargot. You go to the store and get them snails and I'll make 'em up for ya."
Patty got excited, "Oh, that would be wonderful!! Okay, okay, I'll go right away."
So Patty goes to the store to get the snails, but has to pass the pub on the way.
As he passes, everyone in the pub starts yelling, "Hey Patty!! Where ya been, Boy? Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!
Patty refuses, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get to the store.........No, I've got to go."
They keep it up, "C'mon Patty, just one, let me buy ya one!"
Patty answers, “No, no, no, I've got to go.”
Patty makes it to the store and gets the snails. Well on his way back he has to go past the pub once again, they start in again,
"Hey Patty!! Come on in and let me buy ya a pint!!!
Patty answers, "No, no, no, no. I've got to get home.........No, I've got to go.
They beg, "C'mon boy, just one."
Patty responds, "No, I've got to go. I've got..........Well..........Just one."
It's 11:00 pm when Patty looks down on his watch.
"Oh No!! I've got to go!!"
Patty starts running home, he gets to the gate and flings it open and then trips and the snails go flying everywhere. Margaret hears the ruckus and comes out and yells,
"Patty! It's after 11:00! What took ya so long?!? Where ya been?!?"
Patty looks up at Margaret, looks down and sees the snails spread out everywhere, gets up, waves and exclaims, "Come on Boys, keep it going! WE'RE ALMOST THERE!!!"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud.
And he was Iying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along. He kneeled down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?" And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?" And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?" He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
'Denephew.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached is assistant.

'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'..

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
'So, Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' Says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes!'


March 12, 2013

Lucky 13

            A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
            Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
            "Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
            "Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

            Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
            The man said, "I do Father."
            The priest said,  "Then stand over there against the wall."
            Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
            "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
            "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
            Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
            O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
            The priest said, "I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
            O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. 

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer,
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 



The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving mile.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply.  So, they brought the cow over from Scotland.  It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.  They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned That they had brought the cow over from Scotland.  "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:  "My wife's from Scotland "

Day 12


O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. 

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, 
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?' 

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.  One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.  Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips.  The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.  As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said, "Don't sell that cow."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Father O’Malley was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon young Sean trying to sell a lawnmower.  "Now son, how much ye be wantin’ for the mower?”" asked the good Father.  

Father, I'm just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the priest asked, “Will ye take me bike in trade for it?”
Sean said, “You got a deal, Father!”

Father O’Malley took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. He called the little boy over and said, “I can't get this mower to start.”
The young Irisher said, “That's 'cause ya have to cuss at it to get it started.”

Father O’Malley said, “I'm a man of the Church, and I can't be speakin’ that way. It's been so long that I don't know if I even remember how to cuss.”

Young Sean was happily riding away and looked back at him and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O’Malley went into McCafferty’s Pub and ordered three pints at one time. The bartender asks O’Malley, “Now, tell me O’Malley, why would you be needin’ three pints all at the same time?”
O’Malley explained that each of his brothers just emigrated overseas, one to Australia and the other to America. “As long as each brother lives,” O’Malley says, “I am going to be buyin’ three at a time, one for me and one for each of my brothers.”
So, each time that O’Malley came into McCafferty’s, he would order three pints at the same time.
This went on for years, until one day, O’Malley pulled himself up onto a barstool at McCafferty’s and ordered only two pints.
“Oh, no,” says the bartender. “Which of your brothers passed on? The one in Australia or the one in America?”
“Oh, it’s not that,” says O’Malley. “Both me brothers are just fine. Me doctor’s makin’ me give up the drink.”




March 11, 2013

Day 11

We are entering the home stretch now, so it's time to share some of the classics.....

           

 A judge in Dublin asked: "Were you present at the beginning of the trouble between your friend and his wife?"
Witness: "Sure, wasn't I best man at their wedding?"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food.
"Here," he said to the waitress holding out a piece of meat for inspection, "do you call that pig?"
"Which end of the fork, sir?" the waitress asked sweetly.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of whiskey in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. As he struggled to his feet he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies met on the street on a very stormy day.  The wind was so strong and loud that they had difficulty in hearing each other. 
"It's windy," said one.
"No, it's Thursday," said the next.
"So am I," said the third. "Let's go and have a drink!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.'
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned.'





March 10, 2013

Day 10

One week to go!!


Murphy walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says Murphy.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
Murphy then goes outside and tells Seamus that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
Seamus rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon Seamus goes into the street, sees Paddy, and tells him how to get free drinks.
Paddy hurries into the bar and begins to drink shot after shot of fine Irish Whiskey. Suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," Paddy responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''
''Why? Don't ye believe me?''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.  Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
            "Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
            "Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She followed her husband to the public house.
            "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?"
            "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."


March 9, 2013

Day 9


A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."

The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."

Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.

The preacher continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.  He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.

Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed. "I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"

Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."

March 8, 2013

Day 8


This is the last chance warm up weekend!  Try on your green to make sure it hasn’t shrunk from last year.  And go have a few pints somewhere to reintroduce yourself to your favorite Irish bartended just in case you don’t visit him/her regularly.  You don’t want to look like one of those amateurs on the 17th……. J

An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery..
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave.. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole.. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep..
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site.. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up..
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said..
He got out...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Murphy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whiskey please barman, and a drink for everyone here… and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later Murphy shouts, "Another whiskey for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
Murphy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though Murphy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whiskey for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marveling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs Murphy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"

March 7, 2013

Day 7


Paddy, a pick pocket, was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Murphy you are hereby fined $100." His lawyer was his brother Sean who stood up and said "Thanks, yer honor, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
The taxi passenger tapped O’Malley, the driver, on the shoulder to ask him a question. O’Malley screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then, O’Malley said, "If you would please be so kind as to not ever do that again. You scared the bejeebers out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."  O’Malley replied, "Think nothing of it, it's not really your fault. Today is me first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The most important thing to remember about drunks is that drunks are far more intelligent than non-drunks. They spend a lot of time talking in pubs, unlike workaholics who concentrate on their careers and ambitions, who never develop their higher spiritual values, who never explore the insides of their head like a drunk does."
- Shane MacGowen, lead singer/songwriter for The Pogues.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
            Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

March 6, 2013

Day 6


Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was in a pub on Saturday night.
I had a few.... I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
One of them chirped: "It's WALES you friggin' idiot!"
So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"
Then the lights went out....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ferguson the blacksmith came in with a badly-damaged foot.  The doctor was surprised, for Ferguson was a careful man.
"What happened to you, Paddy?" he asked.
"Well, thirty-three years ago I was a young apprentice with Twomey of Ballinanaspickbuidhe......"
"But about your foot.....?"
"This is about me foot.  Twomey had a daughter and your eyes could gaze on her like the way a bull would eat good grass.  The first night I was there she came in when I was in bed and asked if I was comfortable and if I wanted anything and I said I didn't.  The next night she came in when I was in bed and she wearing her nightdress and she asked me if there was any single thing she could get me or do for me and I told her I was as comfortable as a bug in a rug.  The next night she came in and the girl hadn't a thing on her and she asked me if she could do anything for me and not wanting to keep her standing in the cold and she without a shift I said there was nothing."
"What has that got to do with your foot, Ferguson?" asked the doctor impatiently.
"Sure it was only this morning that I finally thought of what she meant and I was so annoyed with meself that I threw me ten-pound hammer against the wall and it rebounded and broke me ankle."

March 5, 2013

Day 5


Murphy, O'Brien & Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says,
"I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything.'"
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says, "That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Little Ryan had spilled the ink all over the classroom floor.  The teacher came down and stood looking sternly at him.  “Ryan,” she said, “If you spilled something at home, what would your mother do?”  Ryan said, “Well, she wouldn’t just stand there like you, looking at it, she’d clean it up.”

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"A lot of men are going to be miserable when I marry," she said.
"How many," he asked, "are you going to marry?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bartender to Flanagan:  “Your glass is empty sir, would you like another?  Flanagan said, “Now just why would I be wanting two empty glasses?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. Fitzpatrick was boasting to Mrs. O’Reilly about the extent of her wardrobe. “Whenever I’m in the dumps, I get myself a new hat.” Mrs. O’Reilly said, “I was wondering where you got them.”

March 4, 2013

Day 4 - First Monday


A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
            "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
            The cop turns to the second drunk and asks the same question.
            "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O'Toole volunteered to take care of his numerous children so that Mom could have an evening out.  At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to read.  One child kept creeping down the stairs, but O'Toole kept sending him back up. 
            At 10 o'clock the doorbell rang.  It was the next door neighbor, Mrs. O'Brien.  She asked if her son was there and O'Toole said no.  Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted.  "I'm here Mom, but he won't let me go home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy met Casey in the street and Casey admired his new umbrella. 
            Father Murphy said, "Thank you, but I'm not sure I got it honestly.  It started to rain the other day, and I stepped into a doorway to wait until it stopped.  Then I saw a young fellow coming along with a nice large umbrella, and I thought that if he was going as far as my house, I'd ask him to share it with me.  I stepped out from the doorway and said, 'Where are you going with that umbrella?' And he dropped the darned thing and ran."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


March 3, 2013

Day 3 - Parade Day in Orlando

Those of us in the Orlando area are subject to the whims of the government of Winter Park for our annual St. Patrick's Day parade. And if you leave it up to the government, they will find some way to mess it up.  So our biggest parade in celebration of the Irish is on March 3rd, 14 days before the High Holy Day.  Rather than complain, let's use this as a fine reason to begin the celebrating early!


A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks. The confused bartender said no animals were allowed at the bar.

The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn,and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son. "

"Well " said the bartended "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he is missing one leg, what happened? "

"Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
            "Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
            "Who were the five?" asked a listener.
            "Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
            "But you said there were five and you count only four."
            "Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."


March 2, 2013

Day 2 - 2013

Stories of the Irish working class....


O’Brien aspired to be an accountant, so he went down to take the Irish accountancy exam.
The examiner asked him, “If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”
O’Brien replied, “five.”
The examiner answered, “Five? No, now listen to me carefully once again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?”
Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”
The examiner was beginning to get flustered, so he said, “Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer and then I give you another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer do you have?”
“Four,” answered O’Brien.
“Good!” said the examiner. “Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have in all?”
Again O‘Brien replied, “five.”
Exasperated, the examiner pleaded, “How on earth do you figure that two lots of two rabbits equals five?”
Said O‘Brien, “I already have one rabbit at home.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. 

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, 
'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?' 

O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A woman from Co. Kerry hired three men to move her furniture. When she saw two of them struggling to carry a wardrobe upstairs, she asked where the third fellow was. “Oh, he’s in the wardrobe stopping the wire coat-hangers from rattling!”

Slainte!


March 1, 2013

Happy St. Paddy's Month - 2013


So what could be more uplifting and humorous than a few stories about a tradition in Ireland that is an occasion of drinking, story telling, and exaggeration? Let’s begin with stories of Irish Wakes! J

The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years . . . They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects.  Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well.

A few stories and drinks into the wake, two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"
Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."
Muldoon said, "A good idea! "

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy looked at the people at the wake and said, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?"
And they all went, "Hip hip hooray! "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poor Paddy was found dead, lying prostrate in his own back yard. Since the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to just two days, to insure that his mortal remains would not take a bad turn.

Finally his friends laid him in his coffin, nailed it shut & started their way down the hill into the churchyard. Since it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard.

Suddenly a loud knocking came from inside the coffin. Paddy was alive!

They opened it and up sat Paddy, wide eyed and breathing, to be sure! And they all said, “Sure, it's a miracle of God!”

They all rejoiced, went back and had a few more drinks. But later that day, the poor man actually died. Paddy really passed away this time. Stone cold dead, he was.
They bundled him back into his box. As they huffed and puffed down the hill the very next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."

Slainte!

January 25, 2013

50 Days!

There are only 50 Days until St. Patty's!!

Paddy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A US police officer was on exchange in County Tipperary in Ireland with the Garda as part of a new law enforcement program between the two countries. One day the sergeant informed him they’d be stopping cars looking for suspicious characters.

The day was going along with nothing to report until an older man pulled up in a small Ford van. He seemed agitated and the American officer was immediately suspicious.

“Where are you travelling to today?” asked the officer. The older man angrily mumbled something the officer couldn’t understand and tightened his hands on the wheel. The alarm bells went off in the officer’s head and he reached for his baton, backing away from the car and saying,

“Sir, I can’t understand you – could you please step out of the vehicle.” At this the man became quite angry and turned to the officer, yelling at him,

“I SAID I’ve just come from KILLING A MAN and now I’m off to KILL A BOY!! Now feck off and let me on with me business!!”

The officer immediately arrested the older man on suspicion of murder and brought him in for questioning. Instead of the praise he expected, the Irish garda sergeant uncuffed the suspect as soon as he saw him and, after just a few words, let him go with an apology before sternly taking the American officer aside.

“That man is Paddy O’Loughlin,” said the sergeant, “he’s well known to ourselves, runs a local delivery business – he’s harmless.”

“But – what about his confession to murder?!” protested the yankee officer. The sergeant hefted a tired sigh.

“Paddy might not be a very polite man – and he shouldn’t have yelled at you – but you really need to learn the names of the local areas here.” The sergeant then pointed to a map on the wall where the American saw his mistake.  The American officer had stopped Paddy directly on his daily route between Kilnaman and Killaboy, County Tipperary.