Election Season

Some humor for the election season:

They were friendly enemies. Both were pub keepers. And they never missed a chance to put something over on one another. Came election time and Mike was trying to get Pat to vote for him for alderman. "I wouldn't vote for you if you were St. Peter himself," 

Pat announced. Mike said, "If I were St. Peter you wouldn't be in my ward!"

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The Garda, a disagreeable sort, stops a local farmer on a minor infraction and proceeds to berate the poor man this way and that, dressing him down most unfairly. After the lecture, which the farmer takes well, the constable starts writing the poor man up. While he's writing, he keeps swattin' at flies circling his head.
"The circle flies botherin' ya, are they?" says the farmer.
"Why do ya call 'em circle flies, old man?"
"We call 'em that on the farm 'cause we find 'em flying around and around the harses' behinds." says the farmer.
"Are you callin' me a harse's arse?" snarls the Garda.
"Oh saints, no," protests the farmer. "T'wouldn't think of such a thing." And the Garda goes back to writing.
"...kinda hard to fool the flies, though."

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An Irishman takes his goldfish to the vet and says 'I think my goldfish is epileptic.'

The vet looks and says 'He looks fine to me.'

The Irishman replies 'Hang on, I haven't taken him out of the bowl yet!!'