The Clancy twins decided to go camping for the weekend although neither had been out of the city in their lives and both were totally ignorant of the ways of the countryside. Seeking information they chatted to a farmer whose field they were about to rent.
'Could you tell us,' asked Mick, 'why that cow over there hasn't got any horns?'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'there are lots of reasons why cows don't have horns. They can be born with a crumpled horn and it has to be cut off for its own safety. It can be a specific type which has been bred to be hornless. But the real reason why that cow hasn't got any horns is because it's a horse!
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Jameson's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
Murphy, O'Brien & Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes.
Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says, “That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Mahoney left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery.
As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, Mahoney woke up.
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", Mahoney said.
He got out...
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