Irish Quote of the day:
"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's rather that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Murphy: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
Two oldsters living on their pension in Donegal would meet every day and walk to every saloon in town.
One day, one of them said, "I read in the papers that if all the saloons in Ireland were set end to end, they'd reach from Belfast to London."
"Oh," says the other, "what a walk."
A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest.
Said the surgeon, "Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation."
"Maybe," said the architect, "but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job."
"Shure now," interrupted the politician, "but somebody created the chaos first."
Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along.
One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
The English stranger was seated next to Murphy on the plane when he thought he would have some fun with the Irish traveler. He turned to Murphy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Murphy, who had just opened a magazine, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What now would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the smirking Englishman. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Murphy. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"My," said the Englishman. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Murphy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"