March 3, 2017

Day 3

The Irishman was crossing the street on a dark, cold, windy, miserable night. Oh, it was a horrible night, I tell you. Crossing the street and the rain was pouring and the wind was blowing, it was terrible. And in the darkness a car came along and gave an awful shot and down he went in the mud.
And he was lying there and a big crowd gathered and a policeman came along. He knelt down alongside of him and said, "Can I do anything for you, sir?" And he said, "Yes." He said, "Would you mind calling me a rabbi?" And the policeman said, "You must be delirious, man. You must mean a priest, don't you?" He said, "No, no, call me a rabbi. I wouldn't get the good father out on a night like this."


The farmer’s wife had taken ill and he called the town doctor who showed up rather inebriated.
“Where is the patient?” the doctor roared. “It's Theresa, the wife,” says the farmer, “she's not near well!”
The doctor looked at her and cried: “I'm too late . . . she's dead.”

At which point, the women opened one eye and whispered: “I'm not dead.”

Her husband hastily put his finger to her lips and said: “Hush, Theresa, don't contradict the doctor."


This one has been requested.....

Seamus and Sean are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.
Seamus says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"
Sean says," I don't know.  Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
Seamus says, "Hey, there's a big log. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see." So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole.
They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them. As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.
While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
Seamus says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert kilos an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"
The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible!  I had him chained to a log."


And these are some old classics.......

Mary was taking a nap on Valentine’s Day afternoon. After she woke, she told her husband Paddy, “I just dreamed that you gave me a gorgeous expensive diamond necklace for Valentine’s Day! What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening, Paddy came home with a small package for her. Thrilled, Mary opened it and found a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...."
"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

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