Beware the ides of March....the jokes get worse......
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
"How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud Higgins to a deck hand.
"It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"
Racehorse doping is not unknown in Ireland. One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?"
The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sor. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit meself.....see?"
The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar meself." So the trainer gave him a piece.
When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes ye, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"
Muldoon was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' Muldoon asked.
His wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
Muldoon then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..
Three days later Muldoon is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness he asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied,'Your horse phoned.'
O’Reilly left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home to his wife, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a couple of hours of screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?'
O’Reilly couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'
Monday went by, and he didn' t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.