A local Irisher was boasting about the grand party he and his pals had the night before.
"Aye," sez he, "Wasn't it a great night the five of us had."
"Who were the five?" asked a listener.
"Well," said the Irisher as he began counting on his fingers. "There was one, that's me. There was Clancy, that's two. There was the Quigley twins, that's three, and there was Sullivan, that's four."
"But you said there were five and you count only four."
"Jist a minute, let me count again,' replied the Irisher as he again began to pick off the number on his fingers. "There was one, that was me. Two, there was Clancy. Three, there was the Quigley twins, and four, there was Sullivan. Shure, I must have taken a wee drop too many, because last night I thought there was five of us at the party. Now I know there's only four."
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded Galway waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. Before the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said,
"What a beautiful cake!"
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."
Paddy Murphy approached Mulligan's Bar when he was suddenly accosted outside by Sister Marie.
"Surely a fine man as yerself, Paddy, is not going in to this den of iniquity?!" the good sister asked, more as an order than a question. "Surely you wouldn't waste yer hard-earned paycheck on the devil's brew when you could be buying food and clothing fer yer family!"
"Now hold on there, sister!" sputtered Murphy. "Surely you won't be condemnin' whiskey without ever tasting some yerself, would ya?"
"Very well then" said Sister Marie, "Just to prove my point, I'll try some. Obviously I can't go into the pub, but you go in and bring it out to me. Just have them place it in a cup rather than a glass, so as to not create a scandal out here."
"Okay sister" said Murphy as he happily breezed on in to Mulligan's.
"I'll have a large whiskey" ordered Murphy to the barman, "and place it in a cup, not a glass!"
The barman shook his head and replied "Don't tell me that nun's outside again"