March 17, 2014

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

The Irish are a people who are best known for their ability to laugh in the face of adversity. Generous to a fault, they are a people who are more willing to spend their last dollar on a drink for a friend than on their own rent. They are a people who value friendship above all else.

So enjoy all that St. Patrick's Day offers. Kiss an Irishman (or woman) and thank them for your friendship. Sing along with those old songs that get better with each pint of Guinness. Enjoy a taste of Irish whiskey in your coffee and entertain your friends with a story that brings a smile to their face. Hopefully one of these can help with that.....

“Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife nor children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”


A young Roscommon boy and his father, Paddy, were visiting Liffey Valley Shopping Centre for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What's that Da?"

Paddy (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. 

The father quickly turned to his young son and excitedly said "Go get your Ma"


Paddy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two Gardai, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether they can see a picture of the wife. Paddy replies "of course" and runs back to get their wedding picture.

The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."

Paddy replies "I know, but she has a great personality, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want!"


A man escaped from a mental institution in Ballinasloe. He ran until he got to Mullingar, at which point he located a public phone and rang the hospital back in Ballinasloe.

“Hello?” says the receptionist.

“Eh, Hello,” says your man, “Can you tell me is there someone in room number 68?”

“One moment,” says the receptionist, setting down the phone. The man waited anxiously until he heard her returning to the phone. “No sir, I’m sorry – there’s nobody in room 68.”

“HOOORAY!!” he shrieked in delight, “I’VE ESCAPED!!!!”


After a heavy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the road, a young mother watched her 2 little boys playing in the puddles thru her kitchen window. The older of the 2, five year old Paddy, grabbed his sibling Joe, by the back of his head and shoved his face into one of the potholes filled with rain water. As the boy recovered & stood laughing & dripping, the mother ran towards them in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to ur little brother?" she said, as she shook Paddy's shoulder in anger.

"Aye we were just playing church mammy," he said."And I was jus baptizin him, In the name of the father, the son, and in the hole he goes."


The ritual of the wake has not changed in a thousand years.....They have the kitchen table, and they cover it with a white sheet and a silk pillow and they lay the remains out on the table and all the neighbors come in and pay their last respects. Such a man Iying there is Seamus O'Shaughnessy, passed on, deceased, gone over, demised, and he's stone dead as well. Just then two of the legs on the table caved in and O'Shaughnessy slid onto the floor. And Muldoon said, "My God, what are we going to do?"

Murphy said, "Well, we'll have to level him up somehow. We'll put his head on a chair, we'll put a chair at his feet, we push a chair in underneath him, lift him up and level him out."

Muldoon said, "A good idea!" 

Murphy said, "Leave it to me." Murphy walked into the parlor and shouted to the people at the wake, "Can we have three chairs for the corpse?" 

And they all went, "Hip hip hooray!"


Upon seeing his son's black eye Murphy asked him, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?" 

His son shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in." 

"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?" 

"Na, na, Father. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."


Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday, and Father O'Malley nearly fell down when he saw the man. Murphy'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya finally decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with ya Father. Awhile back, I misplaced me hat, and I really, really love that hat. I knew that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

Father O said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head from side to side, "No, Father. It was after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

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