Father Lynch concludes Sunday Mass by telling the congregation, "Next Sunday I am going to speak on the subject of honesty. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."
The following Sunday, the good Father says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.
Father Lynch continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."
Seamus walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have. Seamus replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts."
Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks. All night, each time the bartender asks for his order Seamus says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts."
Finally the bartender asks Seamus what trouble he's talking about.
Seamus says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you."
The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night."
Seamus says "Ohh, now the trouble starts...."
Murphy is tending bar and it is a real slow night. A man walks in a sits down. Murphy asks him if he wants a drink.
He replies, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So Murphy says, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man replies, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
Murphy then asks him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man says, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
To which Murphy replies, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
One St. Patrick's Day an old peat farmer rode into his local village on his prize donkey to celebrate the day. He tied his mule and went into his favorite pub where he spent several hours with several pints and songs and not a few stories. On leaving the pub he was shocked to find that someone had painted his prize mule green. He touched her just to be sure and there was no doubt.
Well, he went back into the pub and began to curse and to try to find out who had painted his prize mule green. Then one of the boys and the end of the bar stood up, a very large fellow indeed.
"I did it!" says he. "Have you got something to say to me?"
Without the slightest pause the old man said, "Yes! The first coat is dry."
Reginald, an English businessman was sadly born without ears. Although successful in business, this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews.
The first interview was with Antonio. Antonio knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Reginald asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," was the reply.
Reginald did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a Frenchman, Rene, and he was even better than the first. Reginald asked Rene the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," Rene said stammering, "you have no ears."
Reginald again got upset and chucked him out in a rage.
Reginald was wary of the last interview for it was with a young Irishman. Sean, who had recently earned his degree from Trinity College in Dublin, was the best of the bunch. He was smart, handsome, and he seemed to have better business sense than the first two put together. Reginald was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, Sean answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" The Englishman was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?" he asked.
Sean began laughing uncontrollably and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears!"