A US police officer was on exchange in County Tipperary in Ireland with the Garda as part of a new law enforcement program between the two countries. One day the sergeant informed him they’d be stopping cars looking for suspicious characters.
The day was going along with nothing to report until an older man pulled up in a small Ford van. He seemed agitated and the American officer was immediately suspicious.
“Where are you travelling to today?” asked the officer. The older man angrily mumbled something the officer couldn’t understand and tightened his hands on the wheel. The alarm bells went off in the officer’s head and he reached for his baton, backing away from the car and saying,
“Sir, I can’t understand you – could you please step out of the vehicle.” At this the man became quite angry and turned to the officer, yelling at him,
“I SAID I’ve just come from KILLING A MAN and now I’m off to KILL A BOY!! Now feck off and let me on with me business!!”
The officer immediately arrested the older man on suspicion of murder and brought him in for questioning. Instead of the praise he expected, the Irish garda sergeant uncuffed the suspect as soon as he saw him and, after just a few words, let him go with an apology before sternly taking the American officer aside.
“That man is Paddy O’Loughlin,” said the sergeant, “he’s well known to ourselves, runs a local delivery business – he’s harmless.”
“But – what about his confession to murder?!” protested the yankee officer. The sergeant hefted a tired sigh.
“Paddy might not be a very polite man – and he shouldn’t have yelled at you – but you really need to learn the names of the local areas here.” The sergeant then pointed to a map on the wall where the American saw his mistake. The American officer had stopped Paddy directly on his daily route between Kilnaman and Killaboy, County Tipperary.
Paddy Irishman frequented a busy pub near his home. The problem he would have is that every time he got up to go for a cigarette someone would end up drinking his pint before he got back.
One day Paddy resolved to stop this from happening. He came equipped to the pub that night with a pen and a piece of paper. When he decided it was time to get up and go for a cigarette he produced his pen and paper and wrote, “I spat in this.”
Folding the paper so the note was clearly visible, he hung it from the edge of his mostly full pint and went to enjoy his cigarette.
When he returned he was relieved to find his pint untouched, the paper still hanging from the lip of the glass. But when he sat down he saw that someone else had written something on the paper.
Underneath his note it now read: “I spat in it too.”
A man escaped from a mental institution in Ballinasloe. He ran until he got to Mullingar, at which point he located a public phone and rang the hospital back in Ballinasloe.
“Hello?” says the receptionist.
“Eh, Hello,” says your man, “Can you tell me is there someone in room number 68?”
“One moment,” says the receptionist, setting down the phone. The man waited anxiously until he heard her returning to the phone. “No sir, I’m sorry – there’s nobody in room 68.”
“HOOORAY!!” he shrieked in delight, “I’VE ESCAPED!!!!”
Upon seeing his son's black eye Murphy asked him, "how'd ye be comin' by that glorious black eye, me lad?"
His son shook his head and replied, "'Tis the damndest thing. I was over at Molly's house, dancin' with the lovely lass, when her father walked in."
"An' old Master Callahan is thinkin' that dancin' is an evil thing, cured by a black eye, is that it?"
"Na, na, Father. The old man's deaf, an' couldn't hear th' music."