An Irish fella left the pub late one night, and since it was late he figured to cut through the cemetery. As he walked through it, he fell into a fresh cut grave. Try as he could, the loose dirt allowed no hold, and he kept slipping back into the hole. Finally, he decided to wait till morning and let the caretakers help him out, so he sat in a corner and went to sleep.
A little later in the night, another Irish bloke made the same shortcut, and he too fell into the grave site. As he scrambled at the sides to no avail, the other drunk woke up.
"Ya kanna get out, I've tried", he said.
He got out...
A preacher concludes his service by saying, "Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the 17th chapter of Mark."
The following Sunday, the preacher says, "Now, all of you who have done as I requested and read the 17th chapter of Mark, please raise your hands."
Nearly every hand in the congregation goes up.
The preacher continues, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no 17th chapter of Mark."
The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death.
"Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."
Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?"
"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."
The innocent old lady had a huge bottle with her as she passed through the Irish Customs.
"What have you there?" asked the Customs man with suspicion.
"'Tis Lourdes water, I'm bringing home with me."
He took the bottle, tried some and spluttered.
"Let me tell you," he said, "that's not Lourdes water. That's first-class French brandy."
"Lord bless us," she said. "It's a miracle!"
May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.