March 8, 2015

Day 8

For your Sunday read..... (And I hope to see you at the Winter Park parade today at 2:00!)

Father Murphy phoned the police station and said to the policeman in charge,
"I would like to report a dead donkey in front of the rectory."
The policeman said, sarcastically, "I thought you priests took care of the dead?"
Father Murphy said, "We do, but first we get in touch with their relatives."


A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits. I'm afraid  they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through  Customs for me...under your robe, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you... I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, the woman let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date...unused." 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"


A woman came to a priest one day and confessed, "Father, I've committed adultery."
The priest is somewhat upset, but he forgives her and tells her not to let it happen again.
Later that week, 6 more people came up to him and confessed the same time. He forgave him all. Within the next month, over 50 people confessed that they committed adultery. The priest was so upset that he announced to the community at mass; "From now on, if anyone of you commit adultery, don't tell me that you did. Instead, tell me something else, like 'I tripped in a pothole.'

So people were always admitting to this priest that they had tripped in a pothole. Eventually, the priest died of old age. A new priest, who knew nothing about the whole pothole thing, replaced the late priest. Whenever people told him that they had tripped in a pothole, he would reply with, "That's quite okay. Just watch your step next time."

One day, the priest decided to take the issue of potholes up with the Town Council.
"Mr. Mayor," he said, "I think we should spend a good deal of money to repair this town's roads; people keep tripping in potholes every day.

"Aye that, heh" laughed the mayor. He got into a historical fit since the priest knew nothing of the true meaning of what his parishioners were confessing.

The priest was not impressed with the reaction of the Mayor and replied, "This is no laughing matter, Mayor. Your wife alone tripped in 6 potholes last week!"


Just to get a feel for the Irish mystique, here are some quotes from some famous Irishmen:

"We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English."
- Winston Churchill

"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift

"I only drink on two occasions - When I am thirsty and when I'm not thirsty."
- Brendan Behan

"This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever."
- Sigmund Freud (speaking about the Irish)

"I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."
- Irish Soccer superstar George Best

"I used to go missing quite alot...Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World."
- George Best

"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
- Brendan Behan

"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
- Quentin Crisp

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher."
- Flannery O’Connor, Irish Writer

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