March 13, 2016

Day 13

I don't know whether I should apologize for missing a day, or if you are all please for the respite.  Either way, I hope these put a smile on your face....

Sean received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and even profane. Sean tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and even reading him Scripture, or anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Sean got really fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot just yelled back. Sean shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, Sean threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and stuck him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he might have really hurt the parrot, Sean quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I'm sorry I was rude....I will be better..."

Sean was stunned at the complete change in the bird's attitude! As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?"

"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."


A man goes into a pub in an isolated part of Ireland. The place is full of regulars, but they make him welcome and he sits down at the bar.

He's been sitting there a little while, and someone says '365', and everybody bursts out laughing. The man is mystified, but says nothing. Anyway, a few minutes later, the same thing happens again: someone says '129', and all the locals start roaring with laughter.

After it's happened a couple more times, the man can't take it any more, and asks the barman what it's all about. 'Oh, it's perfectly simple, really' he said. 'Round here, we don't get to hear any new jokes, and we all know the same ones, so to make life a bit easier, we just numbered them, so that we don't have to keep on telling them over and over again.'

The man can see the point behind this, but it's really quite unnerving to have everybody around him laughing without knowing what's going on. Anyway, in the interests of being polite, he decides to enter into the spirit of things, so he shouts out '621', and the pub descends into uproar as every single person in there starts laughing hysterically and rolling on the floor with tears in their eyes.

Even more mystified, the man turns to the barman again, and says 'Well, what's that joke, then? It seemed to go down pretty well'

The barman wiped the tears from his eyes and says 'Ah, that's because they've not heard that one before.'


An Irish lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Jameson with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

"Well, thank you kindly, sir" says she. As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have a Jameson with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I'll have another Jameson with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Jameson with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Ah, lad, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold the hard stuff. Holding your water, however, is another matter entirely."

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