March 17, 2015

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

Yes, it is here!!  The day we have all been waiting for!!  Well, at least the day that I've been waiting for.....

I do hope you've gotten a couple of laughs during these 17 days.  I am off to celebrate with other like minded Irishmen....and a beautiful redhead.  And beyond the laughter, the songs, and the strong drink, there is a people who truly wish everyone well....(Well practically everyone..... ;) )

May you work like you don't need the money,
Love like you've never been hurt, and
Dance like no one is watching.

Garrison is a doctor but he's a bit henpecked by his wife.  One evening the phone rang. It was a colleague asking him to join some others for a game of poker.  When he put the phone down his wife said, "Is it an emergency?"      
He said, "Yes, there's four doctors there already."


I took my nephew Sean out for his first drink
Off we went to our local pub which was only two blocks from the house. I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Murphy’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. It was the same with the Harp, Bass Ale, and the Smithwick’s.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; Nope! By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so feckin' shite-faced I could hardly push the stroller back home!


Paddy had a few too many at a party and while driving home, he was pulled over by the Garda. Noting Paddys erratic driving, the Garda immediately breathalyzed him. As they were preparing to book him, there was a terrible accident in the opposite side of the road. The Garda were immediately distracted by the other incident and decided to take care of more important matters. Paddy, figuring that the Garda weren't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the front door, and was greeted by two Garda.

"Are you Mr. Patrick Murphy?" they asked? Paddy nodded his head.
"Were you pulled over at Church Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the Paddy nervously nodded his head.
"And what did you do then?" they asked. Paddy replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the Guards enquired. Paddy told them that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the Garda. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the Garda squad car.


A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded Galway waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my penis', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.


An old Irishman was asked,
"At your ripe old age, which would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer's?"
The Irishman replied, "Bejesus, definitely Parkinson’s!.... Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"


A man phoned the taxi company and said, “I need a taxi - I’m late, I need to catch the 10:00 train to the city.”
The operator replied, “We’re a bit busy at the moment, but we’ll send a taxi to you as soon as we can. By the way, don’t worry about being late - the city train’s always late anyway.”
The man then said, “It will be today - I’m the driver!”


Paddy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. When he opens the door, he encounters two Gardai, one of whom asks if he is married and, if so, whether they can see a picture of the wife.
Paddy replies "of course" and runs back to get their wedding picture.
The deputy looks carefully at the picture and then gravely says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
Paddy replies "I know, but she is a foine woman, is an excellent cook, and lets me play golf whenever I want!"


Don’t jump,” said Paddy to the man on the ledge. “Think of your wife and children.”
“I’ve got no wife or children.”
“Then think of your parents.”
“I don’t have any parents.”
“Then think of St. Patrick!!”
“Who’s St. Patrick?”
“Jump, ya bastard!”

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